sexy [ˈsɛksɪ] adj 1. provoking or intending to provoke sexual interest 2. feeling sexual interest; aroused 3. interesting, exciting, or trendy
I have years of experience seeing women come into my pole dancing class with no clue as to how beautiful and sexy they really are. It is sad for me that these women don’t claim what is rightfully theirs. We are created to be sexy and somehow, life gets in the way and we either forgot it or we never found it. But, it is there!
In our 20s, it’s easy to feel sexy. You are fresh-faced, hopeful, easily excited and ready for anything. Your body is strong, shapely and designed to get attention. But as life moves forward, maybe you’ve suffered a few hard knocks, had your heart broken (possibly many times) gotten married, had children, gotten divorced, suffered the death of loved ones and frankly, just gotten older and you no longer feel sexy or desirable. There is a realization that something is missing in your life but you’re not sure what it is or how to reclaim it or even if you should.
Does this mean you no longer have “it”? Is “it” gone forever? Not necessarily, after years of teaching women of all ages, sizes, and shapes, I can assure you, you haven’t lost it! Maybe it’s buried deep down or has never been really excavated, but it is there, I promise. So how to do get it back?
I have found 10 surprising and simple things to do to get it back. I said “surprising” because it’s not what you think. I’m not asking you to shorten your skirts, wear heels or show cleavage. And “simple” because the concepts make sense but they are not “easy”, two very different things. Being sexy is overwhelmingly powerful and standing in your power is not an easy thing to do. Simple, yes, but easy, no! So open up your mind and getting rid of old stereo-types you may have about sexy. It’s worth a try, I promise!
1. Redefine “sexy:" Not just Victoria Secret sexy or Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition sexy. Nowhere in the definition above does it say, “beautiful, shapely, big breasts, perfect skin, glossy hair, and flawless”. While models or celebrities may be a collective version of sexy, it is not the only one. Look at women you know that you find sexy. More likely than not, they are regular looking women with a great attitude, comfort in their bodies and a flirtatious nature.
2. Start from where you are: Don’t think because you never felt you were sexy before that you can’t be sexy from this point forward. Just the desire to be sexy is a great starting point to finding your version of sexy.
3. Change your attitude about sexy: We are designed to be attractive to the opposite sex. The hourglass shaped body on a woman implies fertility and good mothering. This doesn’t mean 36-24-36. It means there is a ratio that is considered attractive and most women have this ratio. Take good care of yourself, your body, mind, & soul and the sexy will follow.
4. Don’t limit yourself: Stop saying you can’t! I know for sure you can. Your self-talk is so important. How can you thrive if you are constantly telling yourself that you cannot do what you want to do? I often tell my students they are not allowed to say “can’t” in my class. Why? Because they can. I know they can even if they don’t but their words prevent them from digging in their heels (stilletos in this case) and giving it their all.
5. Don’t let others define you: Or, put you in a “box”. You are not just a mother, daughter, or sibling. Nor are you just a class clown, cute as a button, or a serious businesswoman. You have many facets and acknowledging other facets of your personality not only makes you more interesting, it makes you sexy.
6. Don’t compare yourself to others: No one is a better you than you! Embrace your special gifts and talents and appreciate other women’s gifts and talents. Comparing is futile and destructive. Destructive because it undermines your self-love. Focus on what you do well, laugh at what you don’t and love yourself for all your little idiosyncrasies.
7. Ask for what you want: What you really want, not what you think you should want, ex. kids, career, husband, boyfriend, soft serve yogurt vs. premium ice cream. Knowing what you want increases your self confidence and relieves you of over-pleasing and being wishy-washy, neither is sexy.
8. Dress to feel fabulous for yourself: Forget about short skirts or cleavage if you are uncomfortable. Being uncomfortable prevents you from being your best self. Wear what makes you feel amazing, like a cashmere sweater or silk blouse. The better you feel, the more likely you are to push the envelope and play with clothing. If you feel great exposing more skin and showing off your body, then go right ahead. Forget about what other people think and claim your space in this world.
9. Focus on what you love about your body: Stop beating yourself up for extra weight, stretch marks and cellulite. We all have it or will be getting it shortly. Get over it and love your body for what it can do for you. Focus on its mobility, health and the mere fact that you can take another breathe. Life it too short to hate the vehicle you are traveling in. Or if you can't accept it, then change it! But doing nothing and hating your body is just a waste of time.
10. Find the fun: Emotions are contagious. Don’t believe me, be in a room with sad, depressed and unhappy people for even an hour and notice how you feel. Conversely, focus on the joys in life and what you love about yourself and others and you become a people magnet. People want to be around you. Flirt, laugh and enjoy every experience. It’s very sexy!
None of the about involves what a man finds sexy. Because sexy isn’t about what they think, it’s about how you feel. Feel sexy, happy and confident and you will attract more than your fair share of attention and if not, who cares? You’re having a blast!