4 Reasons For Not Confronting Your Husband's Affair Partner

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By Cathy Meyer, Founding Editor - March 02, 2017 - Updated March 30, 2017

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You don’t want your husband's affair partner to have any awareness of who you are and what’s important to you. The more the affair partner knows about you, especially if you show weakness in front of them, the more they have to use against you.

 

In my work as a Divorce Coach, I could share stories, miserable stories of the horrors that come about when a woman contacts and becomes engaged in conflict with her husband’s affair partner. Since those are professionally confidential I’ll share what happened in my Aunt’s situation.

Her husband worked with the woman he was having his affair with. My Aunt knew her well and how to contact her, her husband AND her children. My Aunt and Uncle had been married for over 30-years so, to say she went temporarily insane is an understatement.

Anyway, she contacted his affair partner, makes many threats about what she will do if the affair partner doesn’t stay away from her husband. She foolishly thought that women who sleep with married men are intimidated by the wife.

Despite the threats, the affair continued and my Aunt felt it was time to take action to remedy the problem. And, the action she took was criminal!

She followed her husband and the other woman on their work break one night, her and a girlfriend. She had with her a bottle of Tabasco Sauce and a plan to BURN the woman who was sleeping with her husband.

She succeeded in her plan by sneaking up on the couple who were having sex in his truck, in the middle of a wooded area. She yanked the naked other women out of the truck, she and her girlfriend held the woman down and emptied the bottle of Tabasco Sauce into her Hoo Haa! Quite a thrill I’m sure but, the action came with negative consequences for my Aunt.

She was arrested, charged with assault and spent the night in jail. The other woman was cared for by my Uncle in the comfort of her hospital bed and, as you can guess, their marriage wasn’t repaired.

No one won! And, no one lived happily ever after, either.

If your husband is having an affair, it isn’t revenge you need or want. Remember, you’ll only do more damage to an already chaotic situation by contacting, in anyway his affair partner. So, forget the partner and deal with the person attached to you that is making choices that negatively impact you. 

Here are 4 Reasons It’s Never a Good Idea to Confront Your Husband's Affair Partner

1. The affair partner doesn’t care about you, your feelings or the damage being done.

If the other woman cared about you and your feelings, they wouldn’t be sleeping with your husband. Whether your husband is sleeping with your best friend or a perfect stranger, if that person CARED about you, you wouldn’t be having the problems you’re having now. 

This can be a difficult concept for some to comprehend. If you are a person who naturally cares about the feelings of others, strangers, anyone, you’ll find it hard to wrap your head around the fact that some people only care about themselves and getting what they want. 

People who sleep with a married man are generally self-centered and don’t put a lot of time into worrying about the pain they are causing others. You’re going to fight a losing battle if you think the affair partner is going to be the least bit concerned with how you feel about them or the situation. You’re already dealing with enough pain, why take on more by contacting the affair partner who will only add to your distress by showing you little regard?

2. In your weakened emotional state, you could make the situation worse.

Loose lips sink ships and, if you are trying to save your marriage, the less the affair partner knows about you, your marriage and your plans, the better. Whether or not your marriage survives is between you and your husband. Believe, me, the affair partner is going to do nothing that will positively impact your desire to restore your marriage. 

If you contact the other woman and let it slip that you are planning to divorce your husband, you’ve given both your husband and the affair partner a heads up and the opportunity to go on the defensive legally. If you plan to divorce, that should be between you and your husband. That isn’t a situation you want to triangulate by giving the affair partner too much information. 

If emotions are driving your actions, you could also say or do something that lands you in trouble legally, like my Aunt. If anger gets the best of you, threats may be thrown around and you don’t want to give the affair partner enough ammunition to obtain a restraining order against you.

Let’s face it, the opportunity to get yourself in a lot of hot water is there and, it certainly won’t enamor your husband to you. Saving a marriage or navigating a divorce is so much easier with a spouse who isn’t angry as hell with you.

3. Regardless of what you image, communicating with or meeting with the affair partner isn’t going to go the way you think it will. 

You will be putting yourself in a situation you can’t control. You have control over your actions and feelings, you have no control over the affair partner’s actions and feelings. And, I can guarantee you, the affair partner is not going to feel or react the way you believe they should. You will only be setting yourself up for more disappointment and pain. 

4. You will be giving up the power you have in your relationship with your cheating husband.

You are a wife. You’ve a long history with your husband. The affair partner is just someone your husband is sleeping with. Your husband comes home to you every night, parents with you every day and has a connection and attachment to you and the family that the affair partner doesn’t.

The affair partner gets your leftovers, your sloppy seconds. They wait around until your husband can find time to get away from you and the family. You have a far greater hold on your husband than the affair partner does. 

It matters how you are viewed by the affair partner. If you have contact with them that leads to crying, pleading, begging or threats you will begin to be viewed as an irrational and weak person. NEVER put yourself in the position of being viewed as having less power in the eyes of the affair partner. 

You don’t want your husband's affair partner to have any awareness of who you are and what’s important to you. The more the affair partner knows about you, especially if you show weakness in front of them, the more they have to use against you.

If the affair partner wants a future with your husband, they are your enemy and an enemy to your marriage and family. Don’t give them enough information to manipulate you or your husband into giving them what they want. Think of it this way, if this was war and you were an Army General, would you be sharing communication with the enemy and giving way your strategy? No, you wouldn’t so, don’t do that with the affair partner. 

At the end of the day, contacting the affair partner is your decision. If you do, make sure you can remain calm, keep a tight hold on your pain and anger and exit any communication the moment you feel yourself losing control. 

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