Just when you think you and your ex have settled into a post-divorce rhythm – you’re not buddies, but you have a livable system in place that works, for the most part –along comes a new woman to rock the boat! In the magical land of Hollywood, exes and their new spouses brunch, vacation, and celebrate holidays together!
Back here on planet earth, probably the last thing you can imagine is being girlfriends with the new wife because perhaps the best you can do is survive a two-minute conversation! Are you unevolved or still hanging on to old feelings if you can’t accept your ex’s new partner? No, there’s nothing wrong with you…in fact, it might be okay to hate your ex’s new wife!
Here are 8 reasons you may be justified in hating his new woman:
1. That’s my territory! Even if you no longer have a drop of love within your being for your ex, it’s natural to feel a tinge of territorialism when a new woman inserts herself into what used to be your life. You may have a new and better life after your relationship with him; but, the mere fact that someone else is benefitting from all of the hard work you invested to help make him the man he is today, is a bitter pill to swallow. Depending on your circumstances, she may be moving into your old home and becoming a part of many of your old traditions and rituals, such as drinking out of a familiar set of coffee mugs, hanging out with his friends and family that you no longer get to see, or sleeping in what used to be your bed. The circumstances of your divorce will make this more or less challenging to accept. Let’s just file this one under awkward.
2. She doesn’t respect the boundaries. She’s his new wife and now an integral part of his life. Understandably, what goes on in his life becomes a part of hers; but, there are appropriate boundaries that she needs to stay within. He probably consults her opinion about matters involving you and the kids, but the relationship is still between the two of you. If she acts like every conversation between you and your ex is her business and continually inserts herself into every last decision about your kids and everything else, you have some valid reasons to consider putting up a dart board with her picture on it!
3. She stirs the pot. Obviously, you and your ex don’t have the best relationship skills or you might still be together. You probably don’t need any help to not get along because your natural tendency for conflict and whatever baggage each of you still holds onto is plenty of fuel for the fire. If she’s fanning the flames with nasty looks and comments or putting him up to ways to make your life miserable, then she should have to lick that spoon.
4. She’s a trash talker. The divorce was between you and your ex and no one else. People in our lives who care about us can’t help but feel protective over us when they know another has hurt us or causes us problems. Who of us can sit by and watch a loved one being mistreated or made uncomfortable in any way?
That being said, your issues with your ex are not her battle. She only knows one side of the story, and one quick way to end up on your list of least favorite people is to join in on rude comments, spreading rumors, speculation about your life, lies, or name calling. By making herself a soldier in your battles, she guarantees contentious feelings between the two of you, which will flow over to every other shared aspect of your lives.
5. She alienates the kids from you. Parental alienation in all of its various forms is pure evil, and it’s a form of child abuse. Your ex’s new wife is in a position to have enormous influence over your children because just about every moment the kids spend with their dad will also be shared with her. She can choose to use these powers for good by becoming a loving presence in their lives who supports a positive relationship with both parents, or she can take a turn to the dark side by acting in ways that will harm your relationship with them.
Parental alienation may consist of anything from making kids feel guilty for wanting to be with you, making hurtful statements to them about you in an attempt to turn them against you, or supporting any efforts to keep them away from you. A step-parent can be a valuable part of the parenting team. In fact, a good step parent may bring you comfort when you know that another caring adult is looking out for your children and their best interest. However, when a step parent decides to act against biological parents (and, in turn, against the kids), the affects can be incredibly harmful and deserving of your hatred!
6. She’s a bad influence. While you may not be on the same page with your ex about everything (duh, you’re divorced!), most likely you share some core common beliefs and values that you want to instill in your children. Each parent and home may operate a little different from one another, but hopefully, you can at least count on the environment in his home being in line with the lifestyle you want for your kids. The new woman in your ex’s life will surely earn your ire if she models unwanted behaviors in front of your kids or exposes them to things you don’t approve of.
You have a right to be upset if she is responsible for your kids being exposed to profanity, drugs, alcohol, or smoking, inappropriate media, and so on. Bad influences could also come in the form of bad attitudes, poor diet, sudden disregard for rules and authority, or even discouraging them away from religious or other family practices.
7. She makes you jealous. Not every divorce was wanted by both parties. She may have been the other woman or a replacement for you when he decided to end the marriage against your wishes. No one can blame you for having hard feelings about seeing another woman receive his time and affection if you still have feelings for him.
This is a difficult situation to be in, and you will definitely benefit from some TLC from friends and family and even a good counselor to help you come to term with these feelings. Try to take solace in the fact that you deserve to be loved and cherished and someone more deserving of your devotion is waiting to become part of your life when you’re ready!
8. She’s just a bitch! Maybe she’s not your favorite person because she’s your ex’s new love, or your ill feelings are because the divorce has brought out the nasty side of all involved. Some people are just born bitches and are impossible to tolerate. In this case, hopefully, your interactions with her will be minimal so that her cloud doesn’t cast much of a shadow over your life!