8 Tips For Dealing With Negative Emotions After Divorce

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By Jamie Harris, Guest Author - November 29, 2014

Fotolia_72992484_XS.jpgThe breakup of a marriage can be a heartbreaking life process. It doesn't matter what the reason for the separation, the feelings you have will likely be the same. Regret, angst, anger and confusion are all common during the breakup of a marriage. It might feel like everything in your world has changed and there’s no way of getting back to normal life. But that's not so!

The important concept to understand is that this, like all other stages in life, is a phase and will be healed with time. There is always light after the tunnel and it may be stormy for you now, but it can't always rain right? The sun will come out eventually!

It's never easy when a significant relationship ends. This article will outline several tips on how you can overcome those feelings and go through this phase and into a life of fulfilment and happiness while becoming a stronger, healthier person.

1. Re-Frame Your Post-Marriage Phase of Life:

One of the leading challenges for many people to overcome after the breakup of a marriage is the feeling of regret. It’s important that you don’t focus on the events leading up-to the ending of the marriage. Broken marriages hurt so much because along with the loss of the relationship, there is th loss of broken dreams, commitments and future plans. Re-frame your future plans and goals. You can help accomplish this objective by changing the way you speak about the marriage. Instead of using phrases such as “I've lost” or “I wish I didn't,” consider the post marriage phase as a new beginning; full of possibilities and endless potential. Get out of denial. The sooner you realize it's over, the faster you'll heal.

2. Understand That Life is Moving Forward:

No matter what has happened in your life to this point, it continues to move forward. Often, those who are sad or lonely after a marriage ends will find themselves spending more time alone in their home. You might not feel like you want to go out with friends and family. This is a common feeling and is one that many experience during this difficult time.

While you might not want to go out and seek joy at this moment, you should still reach out to friends and family for support. A simple email, phone call or text message can help you become more attuned to your new environment. Moving forward will be a step-by-step process that only you can begin. And by making that first step in this process, you will have begun an exciting and interesting journey toward personal fulfilment and happiness.

3. Stop Fighting With Your Ex:

If you keep fighting with your ex even after divorce, what you're doing is keeping an unhappy marriage alive. Don't forget that you are divorced. You are no longer married to that individual which means that you should no longer be fighting with them. The reason you got the divorce was to stop the quarrelling and other problems, so continuing to argue after divorce doesn't make sense. If you're still fighting, it means you're technically still married! If the situation gets out of control, try maintaining minimum contact and only get in touch when it is necessary. Remain as calm as possible, be the bigger person here.

Unless, of course, your ex has a personality disorder and you have no other choice but to use the court system to hold him accountable. 

4. Give Yourself a Break! Take Care of Yourself, Physically and Mentally:

If you’re a parent, the most important task you can take on for your children, if any, is to take care of yourself. Set a good example for them and help them cope with the situation too as they are going through it just as much as you are. Your children, once they’re grown, will fully support and understand your choices. Also make sure their child support is fairly calculated.

This will help take off a lot of financial burden. In my case, my ex moved to another country so make sure you know the rules of calculating child support if your ex lives in another country. You might re-energize your lifestyle by taking a new class or beginning a new exercise regimen. The most important element of this process is that it gives you a sense of personal satisfaction.

Take care of your physical appearance as well. A broken marriage might leave your confidence shattered. Go out and shop for some new clothes or go get a new haircut. When you look good you'll feel good! Divert your attention elsewhere by perhaps joining a gym or a class of some sort such as the baking classes you always wanted to join but didn't have time for! Another great way to spend your time is to volunteer at places such as your local homeless shelter.

Do something good for society and you'll feel good too! Take time out for relaxing activities such as reading a book or listening to music. All this will help calm and de-stress you and divert your mind, making the healing process faster.

5. Collect and Focus Your Resources Toward Growth:

The more you work on your personal success during this difficult initial post-marriage phase, the easier the process will become in the long-term. You can begin this process by remembering a few recent compliments you have been given by friends. You might also remember times you found personal pride in your actions. These are the traits you can use to move forward in your personal journey. Start to believe in yourself and remember that others have been in your position before and come through the process with great personal success.

6. Communicate Your Feelings Throughout:

You might not be at that stage in which you’re comfortable speaking with others about your feelings. But it’s important to find other forms of communication to help express your way of thinking. Often times, simply writing down some thoughts and feelings in a personal diary can help alleviate some of the mental impact of the break-up. Don't fight or control your feelings. It is natural to feel sad at such a time. Let your feelings out by communicating with a friend or keep a journal if you want some things to be kept private.

7. Compensate The Loss Of Companionship:

After a divorce, you will feel lonely due to your partner being missing. Compensate for that by spending time with family, relatives and good friends. Call them over for tea or go visit them. You can also plan a trip out and go for a mini vacation. Whatever makes you feel better and reduces your stress and sadness!

8. The Road Forward Begins with You:

You’re now in complete control of your own future. It’s important to focus on how you react to your post-marriage life and how you can make this life better for yourself and your children. You’ll find many opportunities available to you. Keep reminding yourself that you still most definitely have a future and that it is not over.

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