I have worked with dozens of men and women navigating their divorce.For those that choose to work through the difficulties they face and keep their focus on themselves, there is enormous personal growth and transformation.
Everyone going through divorce deals with upset and it manifests itself in different ways for each of us. You may be dealing with fear or intimidation, betrayal or insecurity, shame or disbelief, anxiety or confusion…the list is endless. What do you do when the fabric of your life feels like it is being torn to shreds and stability and certainty are nowhere to be found?
Embrace your greatest tribulation to create an amazing life transformation.
Upon what do you choose to focus?
- When everything is changing it makes sense that we look back at what was and ask why or how?
- When everything is changing it makes sense that we look forward at what might be and wonder ‘what if’.
- When everything is changing it makes sense that we don’t want to be where we are and look to escape the present.
There is value in looking back at what happened. It is an important part of the healing process. The challenge is to look at our part, not theirs. Asking why he or she did something or changed or hurt you is natural. However, sometimes there is no clear or easy answer or any answer at all. I have had clients who got so caught in wanting to understand and know why that they stayed stuck for weeks and even months wrestling with ‘why’.
Here are some of the questions I ask them…
- Imagine that you knew why and what would change?
- How would that answer affect your life going forward?
- How is CHOOSING not to move forward without the ‘why’ answered serving you?
- What would it be like to let ‘why’ go and begin to move on?
On the other hand, asking questions about your behavior is where the jewels are found.
- When did I first notice a crack in the foundation of my marriage?
- How did I choose to deal with my concerns, unhappiness, fears?
- What have I been avoiding?
- What might I have done differently?
I have found that it always takes two people to break a marriage. Even if betrayal is the thing that seems to have ‘broken’ your marriage, digging below the surface reveals cracks that may have turned into craters destroying the foundation of the marriage long before the betrayal began. You know clearly what your spouse’s part in the break up is…what is yours?
Yes, there is value in looking back. But ‘living’ in the past, will not serve you in your healing process or in moving forward. Whether you are ruminating about what was ‘done to you’ or focussing on only the good things about the past and wanting to go back to those times, you are avoiding the present moment.
There is also value in considering what’s next. Our minds naturally try to ‘figure things out’ when there is an unknown and divorce certainly leaves us with a lot of unknowns about our future. To consider all the aspects of your life that may change is a responsible reasonable activity. However, if you find yourself worrying about the possible worst case scenarios – all the negative ‘what ifs’ that you can imagine…driving yourself into total anxiety, you have gone down a dark alley that dead-ends in desperation.
Make your thoughts about the future productive. List the questions that you have and then go about finding out the answers.
‘How much money do I need to live on?’
- Create a budget
- Assess your current spending and see where you can cut back
Where am I going to live?
- Call a real estate agent,
- Gather information about renting or buying
- Go look at places to begin getting excited about the possibilities
How can I make sure I remain a vital part of my children’s lives?
- Ask your attorney about joint/shared custody
- Look carefully at your time availability and see what would serve you and your children best
- Don’t be vengeful or use the children as pawns…ALWAYS do what is best for them and you can’t go wrong
Whatever your issues are, list the questions you have and go about answering them. This way your time spent thinking about the future is productive, healthy and focused on what you do have control over and not feeding into your greatest fears.
The greatest value is in Living In The Present. I know that it may be the last place you want to be right now. Trust that there are reasons you are going through this difficult time and gifts that are available to you which will only be found if you are present to receive them.
I have worked with dozens of men and women navigating their divorce.For those that choose to work through the difficulties they face and keep their focus on themselves, there is enormous personal growth and transformation. Their lives going forward will never be the same, but rather so much better as they begin to let their fears melt away and step into their true selves. It changes who they are and what they desire in the most beautiful way. BUT it takes courage, patience, humility, and faith.
Are you wondering, "why is this happening to me?" If you are:
Looking in the rearview mirror or at the future through the lens of fear consider what might happen if you stop resisting what is and begin to allow yourself to participate in the unfolding of your present moments.
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