When he chose to leave I had no other option than to live with the choice he had made. Although I'm doing my best to move on, I'll always have questions about why he did what he did and how he can live with himself after causing so much pain.
How can someone just walk away? How can you be a family one day and not the next? How selfish do you have to be to just walk away?
You made choices. You made the choice to hurt me. You made the choice to hurt the kids. You made the choice to leave us for a girl you met on Instagram. You made the choice to walk out. No one made you do it. You did it because your freedom was more important to you than your family. I didn’t choose any of this, yet I am forced to deal with it.
It isn’t like you just walked away from me. You walked away from your children too. You walked away from everything.
Your choice left me with questions.
How does someone just do that?
How do you give up on everything you worked towards in life?
How can you NOT be there for your kids?
How can you be okay with walking away and seeing your son sad?
How can you walk away and give up time with your kids for a whole new life?
How do you live with yourself knowing that your children lay in bed, crying because they want Daddy to come home?
How can you be okay with the pain and the hurt you have caused them?
None of this is okay. NONE OF IT!
It hurts me to see them hurt. You don’t see your son crying at night. You don’t see the pain in his eyes. You don’t hear the anger in his voice. You don’t get the pain- I do. The worst part is that I cannot take it away. I didn't choose this for him. No matter what I do to make up for it; I cannot take that pain away from him. How do you think it is all okay?
Once again, I’m cleaning up after you.
I have always taken care of your problems. Fuck you for thinking I should clean up this mess and make it all okay for you. You have lied to me this entire time. You have lied to the kids. Everything is a lie. How can you be so deceiving? How can you act like this is no big deal when you have lied about everything?
I built a life with you. I created a family with you. I was planning a future with you. You apparently never wanted this life. You said so when you told me “People can have a family, then decide they don’t want them anymore and leave.” No, they usually don’t. That was your choice. You answered that question when I asked you why you did this and you responded with “Shit happens.” Shit like this doesn’t “just happen.” Again, it is because of another choice you made.
You made the wrong choice, I will always make the right choice.
I don’t do anything without the kids. I take them everywhere with me. Not only because I must, but because I want to. It is my choice. We are often late or need to stop somewhere because we forgot something, but we get it all done. You told me that you don’t think I can live without you. Well, guess what? I am doing it all without you. I am doing it all on my own. I can do it all on my own.
I would not trade the stress and chaos of raising my children for anything. I have the kids and that is enough. I love them more than anything. I would struggle just to give them the best; the best of me, the best of my time. I struggle Every.Single.Day.
But I always make sure I kiss their boo-boos, sing them songs, laugh with them, tickle them, play on the floor with them, hold them when they are scared, and make five trips a night to the bathroom every night. Those are my choices in the situation that I am forced to deal with.
I make them feel like they are the greatest thing in my life because they are. They are worth the struggle. They are my choice. I am worth the struggle. This family is worth the struggle. This family is my choice.