Generally, people come into my office when they are feeling angry, sad, distant from, or just plain fed up with their spouse and their marriage. Sometimes people want to learn about divorce and think about whether or not it is the best solution to the problems they have been experiencing. Other times they feel certain, even before they walk in my door, that divorce is the only alternative.
Whatever they are feeling, I am always prepared to talk with them about what divorce entails, how to go about obtaining the best divorce possible for their particular situation, and explore with them what they hope to accomplish and what they expect will change for them both during and after they are divorced. If one or the other spouse is in a hurry, this can make life more confusing and complicate or even breakdown the divorce process.
When undergoing a divorce, it is important to move along at a pace that allows each spouse to gather all of the relevant information, carefully consider all of the variables that will affect each family member (including and most importantly, children), and make mindful decisions. This takes a good deal of effort, consideration, and time, if it is to be done most effectively.
The divorce process can be hurried along, but rushing can affect a couple’s ability to think clearly amidst so much emotion leaving them unable to consider all of their options (even the less obvious ones) and make the best decisions on parenting issues, where to live and what to do with the house, and who gets what.
So, why the big rush?
Here are a few potential reasons why some spouses want to hurry, hurry, hurry through the divorce process:
One or the other spouse may not want to feel the feelings that go along with divorce.
Sadness, regret, guilt and worry can be difficult emotions to deal with. Some divorcing spouses get the idea that moving quickly will mean less time to feel badly. This is in fact a misguided effort to feel better and should be avoided. Rushing through the divorce process can lead to hasty decision making, premature agreements, and a poorly planned future for one or both spouses.
Someone is keeping secrets.
If your spouse is suddenly putting on the jets in the divorce process, it is worth becoming curious and exploring whether or not something important might be revealed if you both were to move slowly. Are there certain topics that are being avoided? It's worth staying curious when it comes to what is and isn't being discussed.
Cutting corners in an attempt to save money.
It’s important to know the reputations of the divorce professionals you have decided to work with and that they can be trusted. If you believe in their skills and their level of professionalism and expertise, then working at the pace you and they have agreed upon is important. If one or both of you suddenly decides to cut out certain parts of the process to save money or time, it should be thoroughly discussed beforehand and agreed upon by all who are involved in the process. If you don’t trust your divorce professional’s opinion regarding the speed of the process, then you may not be working with the right co-mediators, attorneys, or divorce coach, for you.
Divorce is a process that takes time.
No one wants a long, drawn out divorce process. Then again, no one wants to put a lot of time and energy into a divorce agreement and a parenting plan that aren’t useful or helpful to you and your family. The balance between taking the right amount of time to do the best possible work you can do is most important. Perhaps there really is some wisdom in the expression, “Good things come to those who wait”…the same holds true for the divorce process.
Taking the time you need to think the issues through carefully and to make good, mindful decisions can help you and your family transition better through and beyond divorce.