I knew my ex-husband in high school. We were not high school sweethearts but we met up again in our early twenties and started dating. We lived together for two years before we married and our marriage lasted 17 years. Why this backstory first? Well, a lot of women are like me, or so I imagine and divorcing, dating, and having sex after a long marriage is like waking up naked in your bed in the middle of the road completely confused and unsure.
All through my separation and divorce, I did not have the time or energy to think about myself as a single person who was available. After a while, and when I did not have my children, I felt a little lonely and started checking out online dating websites.
Figuring Out Where I Stood Sexually:
It felt rather safe to scroll through all these profiles of guys and their bad pictures, sparse descriptions and freakishly long descriptions of what they wanted in a partner. I met a few guys and noticed that what I thought was relationship potential often meant to them a chance to get laid. It took me a while to catch on to this. And although I am fine with people consenting to anything and everything, I had to figure out where I stood in this new sexual sea of possibilities.
Sex with my ex was good until the last four years and it became non-existent. I like sex. I liked reading "Fifty Shades of Gray". However, my lack of sexual experience prior to my marriage became a bit of a problem after my divorce. Mainly because I lacked those years in my 20's when you "hooked up", went out, and were carefree with people. Back then I was married and had a child already. Fast forward to my post-divorce life and there was a part of me that was fairly innocent to the ways of some of these guys. I equated sexual desire from a guy to a potential long-term relationship.
Bad way of thinking!
What You Need To Be Aware Of When It Comes To Post Divorce Sex:
That first year of dating I went through some bad sexual experiences. I dated a guy who was a detective, which I found attractive; he was tall and fairly handsome. I should have seen the red flag when he took me out to dinner for the first time and then proceeded to show me pictures of his dad whose nose was practically cut off due to surgery because of cancer. Today, with better self-esteem, I would have left the restaurant right then and there, but back then I wanted to feel attractive and wanted so I endured picture after picture of this gruesome aftermath of a nose surgery.
What you need to be aware of when it comes to post-divorce dating in your 40's is that there is a very short road between meeting and sex for most guys. I didn't realize that back then.
My ex would take me places like the movies or a local park and we would hang out, talk, and I assumed he was interested in more than just getting laid, much like with Mr. Detective.
After dinner and 40 pictures of his dad with his nose cut out of his face, he wanted to go back to my place. I was not sure what I wanted to do so, of course, I did what I always do and let the man make the decision. We went back to my place and kissed awhile. There was a second red flag; he was a bad kisser. Never accept a guy who can not kiss you. Never.
Never Apologize For Your Body:
Here I was in fairly good shape, after three children, but I had my issues. For example, I feel that I have very small breasts and right away I started apologizing for them. Mr. Detective, of course, does not say anything romantic or kind like "your boobs are awesome to me." Instead, he is like, "well they are small but what can you do about it?"
We undress and let me tell you, for a guy over 6 feet tall, he had the smallest penis I had ever seen. Now I have not seen tons of penises but this man's penis was tiny. Sex with Mr. Detective was mediocre. We chatted a few times after that night and again I made that mistake of equating sexting and talking with the development of a relationship. They are not the same!
If after sex, he does not really make any further attempts to see you - do not put yourself down!
Here are 5 tips for navigating your newly single sex life:
1. Know what you want and when you want it!
2. Learn how short the road is between meeting and sex for most guys in the dating scene after your divorce.
3. You drive your car of desire and set your own speed.
4. Do not apologize for your body.
5. If after sex the guy runs for the hills he is an asshole and you don't need him.
You are very vulnerable after suffering through a divorce and emotionally tender as well. Do not let bad sex or one night of sex cause you to think you are bad in bed, undesirable, or ugly. And remember to not second-guess yourself! As you get further away from your divorce, you will grow stronger and healthier like I did and you will realize that you shouldn't second-guess yourself. And maybe eventually a great guy will enter your world who is a great kisser, doesn't have a tiny penis, and stays around after the first night of sex!