If you look at the photo you will see happy bridesmaids in a long stretched limo on a happy glorious day in May. But if you look again and closely, you will see tiny me in the back of the limo, almost like a background, you see me looking into the horizon.
I can vividly recall my feelings and thoughts at that very moment. The sound of my bridesmaids chatter I had blocked out with a little buzz going from the champagne we drank in that morning while getting ready. At that very moment I was asking myself why don't you just speak up and say "I don't want this wedding, nor do I want to marry this man!"
I was trying to find a way out of that limo and get out of dodge. But at this point, I convinced myself that I was committed and invested. So off to the altar I went. That entire day is only a blur, but yet all the makings of a bad wedding day were manifesting right in front me. So I will begin by telling you the details that a bride should never have to experience or think of on their wedding day.
Let's start with the battle I had with myself, where my inner self was protesting, kicking and screaming with the words yelling at me, "run, run the opposite direction and never look back," and with the one who reasoned and talked itself into the marriage and was already oppressed by the master manipulator, in this case we will kindly refer to as the "NARC" (short for Narcissist).
I honestly didn't stand a chance at this point. That my only reprieve was for a Swat team to enter the church, guns blazing (with red lazer dots on the end) and carry me out of there. Except it would be really nice too if it we're Channing Tatum doing all the rescuing too). Anyway, back to my thoughts...in chronological order that is.
1. I wanted to jump out of the limo on the way to the church.
2. I felt numb and zombie like which might have been from the champagne or just pure denial. Or lack of sleep from the night before, thinking, "what the hell am I getting myself into?"
3. It was sort of like an out of body experience where as I was watching my own wedding from an outside perspective.
4. All I wanted was to get the day over with or get to the the bar, or whichever one came first.
5. I could give a crap about the photoshoot and that the most important and memorable photo op was that with my children. To this day I carry that photo with me, as that was the only great thing that came out of that day.
Now, let's throw in the red flags that I definitey ignored that could've prevented me from marrying a Narcissist! And saved me from 10 years and still going of inapprehensible emotional and mental manipulation.
1. He didn't include my children in the ceromony, this was partly my fault, but looking back he should've insisted to make my children a part of it all, after all, he wasn't marrying just good me, but also my beautiful 2 children.
2. The wedding planning consisted of him making all the final decisions, to a point where I didn't care what the plans were anymore, I just merely told him sarcastically, "just tell me when and where to show up." Maybe just send me the invitation, that he picked out too!
3. He gave me a spreadsheet and a budget, but for what? He made all the decisions anyway?
4. The one and only thing that I did ask for, were seat covers, because the dark blue chairs inside the white tent were clearly going against my color scheme of "burnt orange." That motion was clearly: Overruled. (To this day I am still bitter about that, and if you ask me, is one of the reasons I am divorcing "NARC")
5. His "big' speech during the reception, where he talked about and thanked every single one of his family and friends, and not a word about me was a clear message, he loved himself more, his family and friends second, and that I was just the trophy wife. Win/win for him.
6. Lastly, it's when he invites all his friends to our honemoon suite to drink and party and I was in the bathroom puking my guts out, (obviousy because I was drowning myself in my sorrows), but that was how that day ended. It was the start of an unhappy marriage. Just sayin.
So that was the day I officially signed my life over to the Narc and lost myself, identity and my voice.
"Hindsight is 20/20," as my dad always told me gorwing up. So, ladies, if your gut tells you to run, run. Don't ever look back. Trust that inner voice. Always.