Sex & the Divorced Woman: My Response to Being "Slut Shamed"
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By Real Mom, Featured DM Blogger - May 24, 2014

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I wrote an article about sex after divorce that was recently hosted on The Huffington Post divorce vertical. And HOLY WOW the comments section went crazy!

People commenting judged my character and thought they knew exactly what happened in my marriage, how I should've fixed it (because obviously I am a terrible person), and that I am this whorish monster for enjoying sex after my divorce. 

So, before I get judged again, here's a little fact for those who made assumptions about what went on in my marriage: I didn't leave my marriage so that I could go out and have sex(yes, someone actually said that).

As a matter of fact, I didn't leave my marriage at all. He walked out on our family and I was devastated...but just because he quit our marriage after 12 years, didn't mean that I had to stop living. It's called rebuilding your life after divorce. It was my choice to either wallow in the pain and depression of my divorce, which I did for months and wasn't sure I'd survive, or learn how to live again. I chose to live.  

So why are people so quick to cast blame AND shame onto me based on an article I wrote about having sex after my divorce? Is it because I didn't talk nicely about my ex or the fact that I had the audacity to talk openly about casual sex without being ashamed of it?  

A man gets lucky after a divorce and he's considereda stud or said to be getting on with his life. A woman does it or even talks about it and BAM, she's a whore who hated being married, just needed an excuse to go have sex with other people, had horrible communication skills, etc, etc, etc. Well, I'm beyond tired of these moronic stereotypes about by MY choices as a strong, independent, fabulously single woman. I'm single, in my 30's, and I also happen to be a very sexual person with a high libido and not shamed by other's judgements.

Why does talking about sex make other people so uncomfortable?

Is it because I can openly talk about my sexual experiences without feeling ashamed or embarrassed and some people have never been unable to?

Is it because I can talk about how I can pleasure myself using different sex toys each time, depending on what I'm in the mood for?

Did that make you blush?

Did that make YOU feel embarrassed reading my words just then?

We are not living in the dark ages, and talking about sex and sexuality isn't going to land you in the guillotine. Why should I be ashamed of my sexuality or hide it from the world? Is it not a part of being incredibly human? Sex is fun...whether you are flying solo or with a partner or having casual sex. It relieves stress and anxiety and it happens to be great exercise!

So what if I'm single and taking advantage of my own sexuality?

Am I supposed to wait until I remarry to have sex again? Am I a tramp because I enjoy sex?

Do I go pick out random men on the street corner to take home and have sex with? No, no, and no. I knew my sexual partner(s) prior to sleeping with them. I have even known one of them (there have been 3) for 25 years.

I was afraid to talk about sex openly because I was afraid of how people would judge me and now that fear has been justified. 

Due to the article mentioned before, I was called a slut because I like sex. I was told that I should've tried harder in my marriage, I was a horrible mother, that I must've been the worst wife ever, that I was a coward, he should have left me sooner, and that people like me will never be happy.

NO!! Not only am I happy and excited about life, I'm thrilled to have the opportunity to live it with a brighter and more positive perspective! 

So people can talk about me and judge me however they choose. That's their choice. I know I made the right choice when I decided to live MY life instead of drowning in the sorrow of the end of my marriage. I'm not going to spend my energy focusing on what went wrong in the marriage, instead I'm going to focus on the lessons learned and take them with me as I move forward.

And in doing this, and sharing my life with others, I'm trying to let divorced women everywhere know that it's OK to have sex after a divorce and that even if your heart is shattered into a million pieces, I promise that there is light at the end of the divorce tunnel! Been there! Bought the t-shirt! And I survived!

Sex is an important part of life whether you are married, single, or in a relationship. I shouldn't have to get married or be in a committed relationship in order to have sex with someone as long as we are both on the same page. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against people who choose to wait, so wouldn't it be fair to have the same consideration for me in return? It might be a different story if I was hooking on the corner, but I am nothing more than a divorced woman who ***gasp*** LIKES HAVING SEX! 

Cowardly? No way in hell, because being myself is the bravest thing I've ever done. 

 

 

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