Sexless Marriage? 5 Secrets To Increasing Marital Intimacy
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By Jolie Warren, L.M.F.T. , Guest Author - May 05, 2017

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Intimacy and sex flow and ebb in all marriages. If you’re living in a sexless marriage, the intimacy has ebbed and gotten stuck. The tide went out and stayed out! The trick to repairing a lack of sex in a marriage is to first identify what is causing the problem.

So, before I get into tips on increasing intimacy and sex, I have to suggest a heart to heart talk take place between both spouses in an attempt to uncover why there has been a loss of interest in sex in the marriage.

If there is a medical issue causing the ebb of sex, medical intervention will be needed to help solve the problem. So, be open and honest with each other. If a husband is having erectile dysfunction issues, encourage him to see a Urologist. If a wife is experiencing a decline in desire due to menopause, encourage and support her need to see a Gynecologist.

If, however, life, stress and other reasons have caused the lack of intimacy the tips below, if followed will be helpful in rebuilding a better level of sex and intimacy in your marriage.

5 Secrets for Rebuilding Marital Intimacy and Fixing a Sexless Marriage

1. Spend more quality time together.

Chasing babies, keeping up with kid’s schedules, work, and life, in general, can play a role in couples taking each other and their relationship for granted. If you want to salvage the most pleasurable aspect of the marriage, you’ve got to make time for each other.

Work together at scheduling at least 20 minutes daily to have uninterrupted time together. And, at least an hour a week. During those times, don’t talk about the kids, your work or whatever is stressing you out. Make those times about the two of you. Make each other laugh, each of you share what you find special about the other. Talk about the aspects of your relationship that you are thankful for.

Spending time with each other focusing on positive aspects of your life together promotes closeness, closeness promotes intimacy and sex.

2. Complement each other daily.

It’s human nature to focus more on the negative aspects of our life and our spouse. We tend to point what a spouse didn’t do instead of complementing them for what they do, do. We expect them to do good things so, when they do we view it as no big deal. We get irritated when they upset us and don’t hesitate to let them know.

Try reversing what you focus on the most. If he washes to dishes but doesn’t wipe down the countertops, compliment him for doing the dishes and let the countertop ride. If she folds and puts away your shirts but not quite the way you prefer, compliment her for making the effort and let ride the fact that she didn’t get it just right.

Compliments from others builds self-esteem. A spouse is going to be far more attractive to a partner who builds them up and helps make them feel good about themselves than a partner who is always belittling them and their efforts.

3. Be a hands-on spouse.

Touch is stronger than verbal or emotional contact. When couples have difficulties that lead to an avoidance of sex, there is often also an avoidance of touching each other for fear it might lead to sex. If you don't have a good amount of non-sexual touching with your partner, then every physical contact is expected to be sexual. This creates an atmosphere of tension, coldness, and isolation.

Just by touching each other on the arm or the hand when you are sitting side by side, you can create an atmosphere of comfort and relaxation. It has been found that there are special nerve endings called C-tactile fibers that produce a feeling of calmness and well-being when stroked slowly and gently.

A wonderful benefit of touching is that it releases a small amount of oxytocin, the neurotransmitter that helps us bond and feel confident and connected. Both men and women benefit from its release.

Oxytocin also produces stronger orgasms in women, which is why stimulating a woman's breasts during foreplay and touching her all over leads to a more dramatic sexual experience for her. Cuddling and staring into each other eyes are other ways of increasing the flow of oxytocin, and increasing the bonding between you both.

Start out slowly if touch has been missing from your marriage. Hold hands while watching television or while in the car. Offer a back rub or foot massage or, gently glide a hand across your spouse’s back when passing each other in the hallway. The more touch, the more connected you’ll feel. The more connected you feel, the more desirable you become to each other.

4. Learn the art of sending love notes.

We live in a day of 140 characters or less. Sending love notes are easier than they’ve ever been. Taking time out of your day to text or tweet to your spouse, sweet nothings reaffirms their value to you and, as I said before, a spouse who feels valued in more open to intimacy and sex.

5. Plan regular date nights.

I know this sounds cliché but, research has proven that couples who go the distance and report having happy marriages make time for date nights. So, as inconsequential as some may consider them, regular date nights can be the stepping stone to getting back to where you want to be in your intimate and sexual marital relationship.

According to The Date Night Opportunity, “Couple time seems to foster more stable marriages. In the Survey of Marital Generosity, spouses who experience high levels of couple time are significantly less likely to report that they are prone to divorce. For example, wives who reported having couple time less than once a week were nearly four times more likely to report above-average levels of divorce proneness, compared to wives who enjoyed couple time at least once a week with their husband. Husbands who reported spending less than once a week in couple time were 2.5 times more likely to be divorce prone, compared to husbands who had couple time with their wife at least once a week.”

Not only will scheduling weekly date night/couple time promote closeness and intimacy and help repair your sexless marriage, it also lessens the possibility of divorce.

In closing:

Reclaiming intimacy and repairing a lack of it in your marriage isn’t about jumping back into the sack and forcing the issue. Sex is unfulfilling without a desire for sex. That desire is built upon feelings of closeness, respect, value and trust in a spouse. You won’t be successful at repairing a sexless marriage if you aren’t willing to start slowly and work at rebuilding the connection between spouses.  

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