The 5 Worst Reasons to Marry (and how to avoid them)

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By Sandy Weiner, Contributor - January 15, 2014

Fotolia_33282282_XS.jpgMany couples marry for all the wrong reasons. Maybe you’re one of them. I certainly was. If you’re divorced now, you’ve experienced the consequences. If you know anyone who’s making any of these five mistakes, please forward this article immediately. Let’s stop people from marrying for the wrong reasons and help them choose better partners.

The 5 Worst Reasons to Marry (and how to avoid them and find true love)

1. You were lonely:

So many people get married because they’re tired of being alone. Anyone who’s ever been in a bad relationship knows there’s nothing lonelier. Don’t marry to fill the void. Find true love: Go out and fill your life first. Get a hobby, give to charity, do something great with your life. Then go out and find a mate


2. You didn’t think you’d ever find the guy you were looking for:

Yep, I did that. I call this the scarcity approach to marriage. You believe you’ll never find a guy who is your true match. You are convinced that this guy doesn’t exist. Everyone tells you that you’re too picky. So you settle for someone you don't love. You hope it will work out. It probably won’t. Find true love: Look for someone who’s truly compatible. You should have mutual attraction, shared values, and a shared worldview. And know your relationship standards before you date another person. You really don’t have to settle.


3. You wanted to have kids:

Yep, I did this, too. I was 28-years-old and thought my biological clock was running out of time. I knew that it may not be simple to get pregnant, and the longer I waited, the more difficult it might be. So, I chose a guy I thought would be a great dad. My head said, ‘Yes, he’s the one’, but my heart said, ‘Maybe not’. Find true love: Make sure your head and heart are in agreement before saying, ‘I do’. Listen to your gut. Don’t be pressured by the feeling of scarcity. Better to choose the right mate who will be a supportive parent than someone you don’t love simply because he’s good with kids.


4. You wanted to be rescued:

Some people get married because they want to escape a dysfunctional home life. This is common with people in their twenties who still live at home. Whether you’re in your twenties or fifties and struggling to pay the rent, don’t marry a guy for his money. Your ticket to a blissful life of financial security should not be marriage. Find true love: Get out and work. Do whatever it takes to earn enough to be independent. Nobody can rescue you. When I was twenty, I moved to an apartment and worked five jobs to pay the rent while going to college at night. When you meet someone special, you’ll fall in love for the right reasons. You’ll be clear-headed, not dependent and needy.


5. You wanted someone to complete you:

No one can complete you. Damn you, Jerry McGuire, for making us think that this was the fairy tale we should strive for. Almost as bad as ‘love means never having to say you're sorry’. But I digress… Find true love: You need to complete yourself. Do the inner work so you can stand proudly and say, ‘I love me’ before ever expecting anyone to say, ‘I love you.’ You need to believe you’re the whole package; sexy, smart, self-aware, able to express your feelings and needs without nagging, calm in a crisis, and living a vibrant full life. That will make you magnetic to a high quality man.

So, don’t get married for the wrong reasons. Marry for the right reasons. I love the way Bob Marley describes an ideal relationship. To me, this is the gold standard you should strive for. 

“He’s not perfect. You aren’t either, and the two of you will never be perfect. But if he can make you laugh at least once, causes you to think twice, and if he admits to being human and making mistakes, hold onto him and give him the most you can. He isn’t going to quote poetry, he’s not thinking about you every moment, but he will give you a part of him that he knows you could break. Don’t hurt him, don’t change him, and don’t expect for more than he can give. Don’t analyze. Smile when he makes you happy, yell when he makes you mad, and miss him when he’s not there. Love hard when there is love to be had. Because perfect guys don’t exist, but there’s always one guy that is perfect for you.”

– Bob Marley

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For a copy of my FREE report, “The Top Three Mistakes Midlife Daters Make (and how to turn them around to find love now)” please click here

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