I wasn’t happy…that was not a surprise to me or probably anyone else. The exception of course being my husband at the time who was “fine”. Isn’t fine a female term that causes men to fear that however they respond it will be wrong?
The dilemma? To stay in my marriage for the sake of my children and because I made a commitment OR to stand up and say, "this isn't working and will never work."
I know I am not alone…trust me. I see people every day in my office struggling with the same thing.
- Can I do this alone?
- How do I not tuck my kids in every night and kiss them every morning?
- Will there be enough money?
- Will my ex be ok?
- Is this just how married life is?
- Am I going to screw up my kid’s life?
You do not wake up one morning and decide that you're going to get a divorce out of the blue. Most people struggle with this decision for years. Some couples talk about it, some hide it and some go to counselling to try to work through it.
Truth be told – I put more thought into getting divorced than I did into getting married. Scary thought! I thought through the children’s issues, the financial issues, the timing and everything in between. What I hadn’t factored in was the anger, frustration and pure hatred that I received from my ex. You really can’t plan for that or the destruction it can bring.
Perhaps more honesty, planning and discussion beforehand would have saved the 4 of us (yes our kids included) from the hell we went through.
So, do you stay in a marriage that does not make you happy, does not model a loving relationship to your kids and does not allow you to grow and be you; OR Do you focus on the commitment that you made and try to make it work? That is the million dollar question!!!
Everyone has their own beliefs, opinions and feelings on this topic. I am not promoting one answer over the other, I am simply sharing my choice. It took a great deal of courage to divorce and it’s important for me to get out this simple message…Divorce is not always a failure, sometimes it is a great success.
Failure is a lack of success but most relationships are not failures and do not lack success. Did you build a home together? Did you have children? Did you have vacations where you created amazing memories? If you said yes to even one of those things that is success!
If you were successful in the past, why can’t you be successful again in the future? Whether on your own or in a relationship that is more suited to what you want and need now.
You learn a lot about yourself and what you want out of life going through a divorce. I thought long and hard about my divorce dilemma and a few key beliefs led me to my decision:
- I believed that even if I was on my own for the rest of my life I would be happier.
- I believed that my children needed to know what a happy, healthy and loving relationship looked like.
- I believed that both my husband and I deserved the opportunity to find someone that we could truly love.
- And yes, I believed that I was doing all of this not just for my own benefit but for the benefit of our family.
The definition of dilemma is a situation in which a difficult choice has to be made between two or more alternatives, especially equally undesirable ones.
Whatever your approach to solving your divorce dilemma I can offer you this one piece of advice, make sure that you have no regrets.