To My Ex: Guess What, I Wasn’t The Crazy One!
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By Jolie Warren, L.M.F.T. , Guest Author - August 28, 2017

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The same man who lovingly held me during our vacation and told me he couldn’t imagine his life without me now wanted everyone to believe I was a screaming, crazy shrew who had driven him away.

 

Have you been there? The dutiful husband who one day decides he wants a divorce. Out of the blue, he wants out and, after years of a loving marriage, you are the root of all evil in his life.

In my work as a marital therapist, I’d heard the stories for years from women. They’d all been caught completely and totally by surprise when their husbands shared his unhappiness and desire for a divorce. Life had changed on a dime for these women who thought their marriages were loving and happy.

I heard it all…

“He says he hasn’t loved me for years.”

He has turned into someone I don’t even know.”

He refuses to look or speak to me.”

He moved out over night with no explanation.”

He told me I was crazy!”

I heard stories of men who no longer saw their children. Men who spread lies about their wives and tried to drag her name through the mud. Outrageous stories!

And, I admit, I was skeptical. These women were so overwrought with emotions I was certain they were seeing the situation through tainted lenses. No one, I thought does divorce that way. No one suddenly becomes evil after years of a loving relationship. No one wakes up one day and throws away a wife and family.

I thought these women, destroyed and emotionally devastated were over-reacting until, that is, it happened to me.

I was an educated professional, had worked in the field of marriage and family therapy for years but doubted other women’s stories until I myself was put in the same position. I can tell you, I no longer doubt stories I hear from clients!

My ex and I had taken the family on vacation to Bermuda. We spent 10 days having an absolutely lovely time. We spent our days with the children sight-seeing and playing on the beach. Our evenings were spent having romantic dinners and some of the best sex of our marriage.

One evening we had a long conversation while lying in each other’s arms about our future. We talked about our five-year and ten-year plan. The traveling we would do when the children were grown and gone. He told me he couldn’t imagine his life without me in it.

Three days after we returned from our vacation I picked up the kids at their after-school program on my way home from work. We walked into our home and he was gone. He and everything he considered his was gone. His closet was empty, his office was empty, there was no proof he had ever lived in the home.

He left no note with an explanation. I was in a panic, the children were crying and, for all I knew, he and his belongings had been swallowed up by the earth. It was 3 weeks later that I received an email from him.

In the interim, he had talked to my mother, my sister and our children’s teachers and school counselor. He told people that I was an irrational person. A control freak who went “crazy” if I didn’t get my way. He told them he had left in order to “save his sanity.” He basically said the same to me in his email.

The same man who lovingly held me during our vacation and told me he couldn’t imagine his life without me now wanted everyone to believe I was a screaming, crazy shrew who had driven him away.

For a moment or two, I bought into what he said.

That’s what we women do, look inward and take responsibility first. It takes us time to put on the brakes and say, “wait a minute, I’m not the one who snuck away in the middle of the day with no notice. I’m not the one who hasn’t spoken to his children in weeks. I’m not the damn crazy one in this scenario.”

It took me months to be able to send him an email, one outlining in numerical order reasons I wasn’t the crazy one, he was.

Below is what I said to the man who thought he could get away with gaslighting me.

1. Only a crazy man with no balls would move out of the marital home in the middle of the day with no notice to his wife and children. I know now that you’ve spent years avoiding conflict and in doing so damaged yourself and any chance our marriage had of succeeding. That crazy is for you to live with not me!

2. Only a crazy man would believe that it is acceptable behavior to involve people at his children’s school in the problems in his marriage. You are FUCKING insane for humiliating your own children in such a manner. YOU used your children to cover your ass with no regard for what it would mean for them. You bastard!

3. Only a crazy man would file for a divorce, in that divorce filing ask that your wife and children be removed from the marital home. And, that no child support be paid. You literally wanted us out on the street with nowhere to live. That isn’t only crazy, it’s evil as hell.

4. Only a crazy man would file for divorce on the grounds of domestic abuse and give as an example of such abuse, “She called me a moron one time.” Are you serious? I’m sure your attorney thought you were a moron! And, just so you know, you have turned out to be one crazy, fucking moron.

5. Only a crazy man would start a blog, name it “Crazy Ex Wife” and post blog after blog filled with lies to justify you abandoning your family. And then share your posts on your Facebook account. What in the hell is wrong with you?!? You’re a 42-year-old man with a Master’s degree in engineering. You’re not a 15-year-old girl out for revenge. Or, maybe the crazy has caused you to emotionally regress and the lack of testosterone due to your midlife crisis caused estrogen to surge through your body. Whatever prompted that idiocy, turned you into a FOOL.

6. Only a crazy man who yelled at his children that their mother is a cunt and a whore. You hadn’t seen your children in 3 months and took that opportunity to spew your venom at me, in front of them. And now you blame me because they are angry with you. Like I said…only a crazy man.

7. Only a crazy man would call me 18 months later begging to come home again. To allow that to happen would be full proof that I was, indeed, also crazy. Never in a million years! I now know who you are and why would any sane woman put herself in the position of being belittled, dismissed and hurt by you again?

During my work as a therapist, I’ve learned that if a spouse experiences a midlife crisis they will do startling and, at times hurtful things to a spouse. Most men don’t, however, go off the wall crazy like mine did. When and if they do, there is no recovery for the marriage.

It can be hard to process who someone you love turns into someone you no longer know. But process it you must do and, in my expert opinion, have enough regard for yourself, your children and your value to never put trust in that husband and father again

One more thing, don't write and send an email like the one above until you are 100% sure you're finished with him and the marriage. 

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