Starting Over By Saying Good-Bye and Pieces of Today

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October 04, 2016

Flowers From Ex-husband

C. ran up the stairs with two large plastic wrapped objects pushed behind his back.  A grin spread across his little face.

"I have a surprise for you Mommy!" he cried.

I watched as Ex-Husband appeared at the door with an equally large grin.  Flowers. Two bouquets were thrust upon me by my adorable four year old.  Ex-Husband bought them with the kids when they were out.

"Thank you buddy," I called and grinned at him but was confused by Ex-Husband.

He always was nice, but niceties could not reverse the pain in my heart.  I knew we would never be the same and we could never be as we once were.  Why was he even bothering with flowers?  The papers were sent.  We were done.  It was just a matter of time, a waiting game really.

I have no hatred toward Ex-Husband now.  I just don't want to be with him anymore.  But flowers make it hard because I remember what used to be in my heart.  I am tired of the whole divorce thing and can't hate anymore.  I'm hated out and exhausted.

I hugged my little buddy and placed the flowers in a glass and set the up on the table that used to wobble, but Ex-Husband fixed.

The table stands a little taller now, but it still wobbles some and now it is decorated with the flowers from Ex-Husband and kids.  Why is he still trying?  We are done.

..........................................

Pieces of Today

All I can do is my best. One foot in front of the other.

I am pulled into pieces.  Trying to survive.

I am stretched thin and overwhelmed but trying to make the most of my time.

Just one more load of laundry, another dinner to prepare, one more lesson to teach, little people by my side aware.

I try and try and try, and see if I can make time for me on the side.

I laugh and cry and smile and scream and pray for more patience day by day.

At times I think I will lose all of my hair from pulling it out strand by strand, but then a kiss or laugh calls out.  I know I am enough.

I might not be the perfect teacher who nails every lesson.

I might not be the perfect mom with patience in abundance,

I may not be the perfect friend, with tons of time to spare.

But I know that I am me, and I am okay.

That will have to be enough for today.

..................................................

Starting Over By Saying Good-Bye

I opened the truck door of the F-150 in the empty parking lot at ten in the morning on Sunday.  I smelled his smell. Ex-Husband's scent permeated the truck and drifted my way. It was a mixture of car cleaner, dust, cologne, and sweat.  It was a blow to the stomach.  I ached for him for an instant; a moment before I remembered the pain and the hurt that I endured for so long.

I turned my back to the truck and faced my toddlers; eager and smiling they greeted their dad in the dance that is called mine and then yours. The boys are no longer "ours."

C. was hoisted out of his seat and he eagerly put on the soccer uniform to match his Daddy. E. squealed in delight and clapped his little hands as he held onto Ex-Husband's shoulders.

I sighed, wished that things were different, and wiped a tear from my face.  I know I don't want to be with Ex-Husband anymore, but the pain is still there. I want him to hold me in his arms and make me laugh, but I want to kill him at the same time.

But I also want him to go away, leave me forever, and just stay.    I guess I know that this is best for everyone, but I wish it were easier.

I rolled down my window and waved good bye again as my boys drove off in the truck to the soccer game with their dad, who is not my Husband anymore.

Sigh. Divorce.  

 

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