During my two years of post-separation dating, I have yet to come across a middle-aged man who doesn’t love the Star Wars trilogy of his childhood. Hand a guy a TV remote and it’s all but guaranteed he will immediately stop channel surfing to watch one of these iconic classics. But as much as men cherish these beloved films, most single men still haven’t found their own inner Jedi and remain, let’s just say, a less evolved Padawan.
Speaking to Luke Skywalker, Yoda, the wise and highly respected member of the Jedi High Council and Grand Master of the Jedi Order reflects, “A Jedi must have the deepest commitment, the most serious mind. This one a long time have I watched. All his life has he looked away… to the future, to the horizon. Never his mind on where he was. Hmm? What he was doing. Hmph. Adventure. Heh. Excitement. Heh. A Jedi craves not these things.”
Well versed in Star Wars vernacular and the words of Yoda’s infinite wisdom, many middle-aged men knowingly hold themselves out as Jedi, only to later disappoint those unsuspecting Princess Leia types who are looking for an earnest guy. To spot these posers, it is essential to remain vigilant, reading between his lines to understand the type of guy he really is. The truth is there. Women only need to recognize it.
1. “Mudhole? Slimy? My home this is!” He’s proud. But just because he’s flying solo doesn’t mean he shouldn’t clean his home. Leaving out food and throwing dirty laundry on the floor are disgusting habits on any planet.
2. “Size matters not.” He believes in fairy tales. A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away…
3. “Ahh! Yoda’s little friend you seek!” He’s a big promoter. Even of small events.
4. “Urm. Put a shield on my saber I must.” He’s a fan of hyperbole.
5. “Feel the force!” He’s easily excited. Caveat: If he must announce it…
6. “Do or do not. There is no try.” He’s persistent. Translation: Your place or mine?
7. “You will find only what you bring in.” He’s practical. Whatever a woman leaves behind on his ship will be thrown away or destroyed. For him, the best evidence is no evidence.
8. “Looking? Found someone you have, eh?” He’s a pickup artist. Cruising with this cheesy line, he deserves to be sent straight back to the Star Destroyer at full light speed ahead.
9. “Foreplay, cuddling−a Jedi craves not these things.” He’s disciplined. Though a Jedi may not crave these things, it’s a pretty safe bet Princess Leia does. Let him know it’s okay to fall off the wagon, even once in a while.
10. “Already know you that which you need.” He’s clairvoyant. But beware: He may be talking about your own battery-powered light saber back at home.
11. “Good relations with the Wookies, I have.” He’s a womanizer. Translation: Those women are old friends. Translation of translation: I did all of them.
12. “Control, control, you must learn control!” He’s a pacifist. Translation: Crazy bitch!
13. “Ow, ow, OW! On my ear you are!” He’s passionate. He heard women like the 69 position. On some planet, that is.
14. “Who’s your Jedi master? WHO’S your Jedi Master?” He’s delusional. If he’s yelling this during sex, chances are it’s not him.
15. “Early must I rise. Leave now you must!” He’s health-conscious. Translation: Hey baby, I have an early kickboxing class at the gym, and I don’t want to miss my chance to meet someone way hotter than you.
16. “Happens to every guy sometimes this does.” He’s a realist. Viagra was, after all, invented for a reason.
17. “Difficult to see. Always in motion is the future.” He’s non-committal. What he’s really telling you? It’s time to move on.