Let go, my ego.
Our egos are the only thing that get in the way of our separation happiness. Today, once again over coffee we talked. We checked in and without planning I blurted out that I am seeing someone. Someone I have been seeing for a while, but withheld from my ex.
So what did the best ex in the world say?
"I'm happy, truly."
Instead of feeling instant relief I scanned his every wrinkle, dimple and line to see imminent implosion.
Except it was all smiles. Sincere smiles.
Now, see, the problem with this new person is it's someone I've had feelings for in the past. It's someone who maybe didn't make the marriage last so long because feelings for another is a huge sign that the shit is really bad at home. But he wasn't the reason it ended.
But my ex sat there in his permissible moment to lose it and took it in stride. He acted, not reacted. He loved me, in that moment to be witness to my happiness and support it.
And all I could do was die a little inside because my ego wanted jealousy, it waited for a sign that said "I want you back."
We both know those words are only for my ego. My infuriated ego who felt rejected and hurt. But the me, the woman I am becoming doesn't want my marriage back. It wants to move forward. It just has a now and again tempter tantrum to deal with known as my hurt self. The one who has a hard time with marriages ending and growing up ignored by her father. It's the little person who needs a man to stand up and grab on tight.
My ex knows all of this. He knows me better than anyone. And he sat there and said he was proud of me for moving on and not holding on to hurt and fighting for something I don't really want. He knows.
We spent the rest of the day checking in and reassuring each other that we are doing the right thing. Staying together as a unit, for the kids. And of course the obvious answer is that my new person knows. He is fine with my situation. I have two wonderful men that would move mountains to be with me. I am lucky.
My situation is rare. I know this. And in the small circle I discuss things with I expect support. But there is resistance. There is projection of other people's issues with their own relationships that get thrown at me. I can handle it.
Because this is my separation not theirs.