Yes, size does matter. I'm talking about the size of your problems... although it applies to a few other things too but that's a story for another time...
As I've said before I have been divorced for 15 years, so I'm in a really different place than a lot of woman who use this site. So I frequently look at other blogs, articles, forums, and posts to see what recent divorcees are finding most difficult and see if there is anything I can shed light on.
Now I understand how stressful going through a breakup is, believe me. Lots of hurt and anger and sadness. So much so that sometimes the spouses/parents lose sight of the big picture and what really matters... the kids and their sanity.
What I've been seeing is an awful lot of women getting distracted by little stuff. I understand it may not be little to them, but in the overall picture, it really is small potatoes. And I do understand that people need to vent as well. But I just feel like I need to give some of you ladies a verbal slap up side the head to stop getting consumed by little shit that doesn't matter.
For instance, I have seen women post long long extra long posts about issues with their ex that involve all sorts of minutiae from the "tone" of a text to not sharing school papers to worrying about his new girlfriend. Yes, yes I've been there, believe me. My ex-husband's girlfriend moved in with him shortly after his divorce and I didn't like the kids seeing them sleep in the same bed because they were all very young and were just getting over the confusion and hurt of the divorce. I didn't think it was right. In fact I vehemently objected. I consulted my lawyer and my therapist. So convinced I was right! And the most righteous. Well, guess what, right and righteous are subjective and don't count for squat.
My therapist and my lawyer both told me there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it because quite honestly it's his house and his time with them, he can do whatever the hell he wants. As long as he's not endangering them. And even what you may think is "endangering" a child might just be a simple difference of parenting choices.
When faced with something that angers or upsets you about your ex or soon-to-be-ex, ask yourself a few questions...
1. Is it hurting your child? I mean really really hurting your child? A lot of times it's hurting you more than the child, if that's the case, you've got to let it go. It's about the kids, move on from your relationship.
2. Can I do anything about it? Like, really do anything about it? You can't force someone to change their behavior. You can matter-of-factly mention your feelings on something they are doing but overall you have to ask yourself...
3. Is it worth it? If you think you know how they will respond and find it may be more trouble than it's worth... it most likely will be.
I was actually very glad that someone took me by the shoulders and shook me and told me to stop worrying about things I couldn't control and that were relatively small in the grand scheme of things. It actually helped me turn a corner in letting go of some stuff and starting to feel a lot better. Women, and well people in general, tend to focus on being right or getting revenge or getting even or gaining control that they lose sight of the big picture and what really matters. Take a deep breath and ask yourself the above questions next time you get a bee in your bonnet about something the ex has done. You'll thank me for it.