"A great fire burns within me, but no one stops to warm themselves at it, and passersby only see a wisp of smoke."
- Vincent Van Gogh
It has been storming all evening here. Down pour outside my window, the winds howling, a chill in the air and loneliness creeping inside to keep me company. Never a welcomed guest, but his arrival is always timely and knocks on my door every January, as a reminder that everything is different now.
Despite, my positive mindset, I cannot avoid the loneliness and sadness, this time of year. Over the last five years, I have just learned to recognize the emotion and allow it to pass over me. Eventually, disappearing back into my past.
Rarely, do I ever write about the actual details of my divorce, for a variety of personal reasons: respecting my marriage, never wanting to speak poorly about the father of my son, avoiding conflict with my ex husband over the past, not revealing negative details to protect the woman he remarried and keeping my focus on the future and not the past.
If I am being completely, honest with you, what held me back most, from discussing the infidelities and pain, was I wanted to protect my ex husband’s new wife, from knowing what ultimately ended our marriage.
Despite the anger, betrayal, loss and pain, I am still protective of him. Why is that? All I could come up with is that, I truly have forgiven him. Genuinely caring for his happiness and understanding we all deserve second chances in life.
Years later, I realize we were both to blame, for the crumbling of our marriage. Hindsight has taught me that marriages don’t end over night, it a series of transgressions between two people. We make mistakes, both big and little. We are only human. We move on with our lives.
Anyhow, I was most concerned with Jack’s new step mom, coming across my writings, discovering the truth. It has been the big pink elephant in the room. Little did I know, she knew already why I left and brought it up to me. Mind you, I didn't share anything, because that is between me and him. Besides, I didnt have to say a word, because it's not my place and she did'nt have to ask.
Apparently, he was honest and told her why I left him, which came to me as a complete surprise, as I was prepared to go to the grave with this secret.
She didn’t blame me for leaving. She commended my bravery and strength. In that moment, I realized I loved my son’s new step- mother, because she is the epitome of love and understanding. Every day, I am thankful to God, he brought her into my ex husband’s life and into my son’s life.
Finally, I was free to finally to be open, about the most hidden part of my pain, in order to allow my heart to heal.
You see, January is when it all happened. When I connected the dots, having the wind knocked out of me, when I realized I was not the only one and my life would never be the same again.
Every time this year, I feel sadness and loneliness. It doesn’t last long, but it is real and I need to acknowledge what I am feeling. Wondering, why is that, five years later, my ex has found love, but it elludes me?
Never finding reason why the person who was unfaithful, found the love of a good woman, yet I don’t know if I will ever find this in a man.
I feel such great relief that I can FINALLY be honest and say it out loud. He has even shared this with me too. Convinced I would remarry again and shocked it was he who found a wife.
While I couldn’t be more thrilled, for him, a part of me just doesn’t understand how the universe works or why loneliness was part of God’s plans for me.
Vincent Van Gogh said it so eloquently, “A great fire burns within me, but no one stops to warm themselves at it…” I am not trying to hold a pity party, but I really do wonder why, no one has wanted to draw near the fire that burns so brightly within.
I would be lying to you, if I never admitted to what I really experienced, during my divorce process. Pain that felt insurmountable, sinking in an abyss of grief, understanding why it feels as if your heart is literally being ripped from your chest, unable to speak because you are dumbfounded by the nightmare of your life and numbing yourself from world.
Imagine for a moment, experiencing all of this, during a deployment, as you are trying to raise a small baby alone. Never will I regret my decision, but I never want to relive that experience. Perhaps, this is why I have commitment issues and fear the possibilities of remarriage. You may heal, but divorce carries scars, I just hide them well.
So you see, I know a little of what you may be going through, if you are reading this as a divorced mom or just another person who had a shitty life experience. Underneath all my life adventures, tales of international travel, Sex in the City dating experiences, self discovery and positive posts, is a woman who was very much like you. I have just had five years under my belt, to figure how to navigate the world, learning what is best for me.
I felt compelled, to share this vulnerable part of me, tonight with you. Know that you are not alone. We all get sad. We all get lonely.
Learn to be kind and patient with yourself, as you embark on new chapters in your life. Accept you will have good days and you will have bad days.
In moments of loneliness, try to feed the fire within you with the blessings in your life. When the time is right, your flame will burn brightly, with the right person who will want to take warmth in your heart.
Five Years Ago ... Climbing Difficult Mountains
Today, With Determination, We Made It To The Top...
What was the hardest part about your divorce?
What do you do when you feel lonely?