So, I know in my last post I did a whole bunch of bitchin and moanin about missing my kids and hating to share them.
AND I DO.
But, I do have to admit that this past weekend alone with my new husband hasn't been unfortunate.
Do not pity me.
For instance this might have happened:
I awakened at 9:15 a.m. pressed tightly against my new husband and we made love. Slowly and thoroughly because no kids were going to burst in or were downstairs waiting for breakfast. Then, new husband went downstairs to turn the coffee pot on and let the dog out. Nekkid. Then he came back up to bed for some snuggle time in our post coital position. Then, I went downstairs, made some bagels, put it on a tray with our coffee, nekkid. Back upstairs we had breakfast in bed and watched a really good movie (do watch Olive Kitteredge) on HBO. All still nekkid. When the movie was over, we went back into our post coital position, but that caused stirrings and we ended up rolling around the bed again. At 1 p.m. He went and mowed while I cleaned the pool (not nekkid). Then we decided to play Lawn Boy and Pool Girl in the pool.
But I don't have any money, whatever shall I pay you with??
I warned you not to pity me.
I think I have figured this relationship stuff out.
See, Al is a Giver (G) and I am a Giver (G)
G + G = HCWSP (Happy Couple With Sore Parts)
He does things for me and I do things for him. Not because he does things for me but just because I am a G and like to do things for other people.
In my marriage with Stanley, it was a G + T (Taker) until I realized I was exhausted trying to please a beer monkey who didn't care if I was happy or not.
G + T X Time = ERP (Exhausted Resentful Person)
I STILL am the G in my relationship with Stanley. I do things to make his life easier. For instance, before kid exchange on Friday, Merlot told me her ears hurt. She had a cold but I thought it was just a cold and then bam, ear pain. I jumped up and took her to the ped so that Stanley didn't have to. I also went and got her prescription. Al was rolling his eyes at me.
Which was Exhibit A
Al was totally the G in his previous marriage. He is still very resentful of her taking advantage of his good nature. He says that (he is dictating to me here), "I was under the impression that if she was happy, I would be happy. After about 15 years of waiting to get happy, I realize that she is happy, and I am the bottom of the totem pole. She doesn't even consider what I want. I'm hiding out trying to watch 15 minutes of football on Sundays in a house that I pay for on a TV that I pay for. Hell, she didn't even remember my goddamn birthday!" (There was much more, my question inspired a rant).
After comparing notes, we realized that both of our exes were very happily married.
For example, when I told Stanley, as an ERP , that I needed us, as a couple to make some changes, he was shocked.
He said to me repeatedly, "I just want it to go back like it was before."
Before = prior to me saying I needed more from him.
A T can make you crazy, which is why God made
My theory is that once roles are established in a relationship they are very hard to change.
It is very hard for a T to learn how to be a G and vice versa, no matter how much they love you and want to change. Personality traits are nearly impossible to change and habits are nearly as hard to break. Just ask the size of my ass.
That is not to say that a G + T can't have a long term marriage, but my opinion is that one spouse is happier than the other. Also, T + T may have long term, satisfactory marriages, but my guess is they are probably relationships full of competition and power struggles. I am sure that works for many couples, maybe it spices things up and keeps boredom at bay. I'm sure that works for many, many people.
G + G is good though. Highly recommended.