If your spouse says they have fallen out of love with you, you likely feel devastated and hurt. The person who promised to love you always suddenly says they don’t feel the same way about you.
It’s common to want to blame yourself, but there are many reasons your spouse might feel this way, and none of them are your fault.
Keep reading to learn more.
Your Spouse Changed
People are constantly growing and changing, and your spouse may have decided that they have changed in a way that they no longer want the marriage or that it doesn’t fit what they see as their needs.
This sometimes happens as a response to difficult changes like losing a parent, developing a chronic health condition, losing a job, and more. People reprioritize or refocus their lives after these types of events. But often, there is just no reason to point to.
It can help to understand the reason for the change, but your spouse may not be able to express it or even understand it. It’s important to remember that you did nothing wrong that led to this change.
Your Spouse Developed a Different Interests
Your spouse also has developed interests, beliefs, or friendships that don’t include you or which you don’t want to be included in.
If they are part of a different church, have become obsessed with golf, or have a new group of younger friends who socialize in ways you aren’t used to, it can lead some people to decide they no longer want to continue a marriage that is not in sync with those new interests.
You may feel as though you should have tried harder to be involved with these new interests, but you should not have to change who you are or do things that you don’t enjoy or are not comfortable with.
Discover how to navigate the emotional journey of divorce recovery. When Divorce Still Hurts, Even Years Later
Unresolved Conflict
Every marriage has some conflict. Sometimes, a conflict arises that is so deep and divisive that there is no way to solve it or compromise. You and your spouse have one (or several) disagreements and just have not been able to find a solution that works for both of you. It’s not anyone’s fault.
Many couples find that therapy or couples counseling can help, but in the end, it may not be able to resolve the underlying differences.
Your Spouse’s Mental Health
If your spouse is experiencing depression, anxiety, or other mental health issues, this may lead them to feel they are no longer in love. The mental health condition could be affecting how your spouse feels about themselves or about you.
Infidelity
Infidelity by either one of you could lead to your spouse feeling as if they have fallen out of love with you. If you or your spouse has fallen in love with someone else, that can result in your spouse feeling as if they no longer love you.
Even if the affair is over now, it can change the bedrock of the relationship and disrupt the trust and love that is needed for a marriage to function.
Infidelity isn’t always physical. Sometimes, developing an emotionally intimate relationship with someone else can be perceived as cheating,
Facing the aftermath of infidelity? Learn when it's time to heal or walk away. Infidelity And Divorce: When to Walk Away After Infidelity
Circumstances Pushed You Apart
There are situations when circumstances beyond either of your control change your marriage and your relationship.
If one of you is traveling a lot for work, your elderly mother has had to move in with you, your spouse has taken a job on the night shift, or your child has special needs, these situations could change how you interact with each other, impact your stress levels, and lead to a feeling of being disconnected from each other.
In this kind of situation, your spouse might believe they have fallen out of love with you because your relationship has had to adjust to deal with these outside factors.
Substance Abuse
If your spouse has a substance abuse problem, the substance is controlling their thoughts and behaviors. They are not able to fully love anyone while in the grip of addiction. If you have a substance abuse problem, it could lead your spouse to believe they can no longer love you while you are impaired.
Getting help can help you both get through this and improve your lives and marriage.
Different Goals or Dreams
One or both of you might have started to develop dreams or goals that don’t quite match what you believed when you married. It’s not unusual for people to decide they want a different career, want or don’t want children, want to live somewhere else or want a different lifestyle.
If you or your spouse have developed new goals or desires, it may impact how you connect to each other and how you see your marriage in the future.
Sexual Incompatibility
If you and your spouse have different sexual needs or desires or these feelings have changed over time, it can lead to a disconnect in your physical intimacy. When sex is not satisfying or doesn’t happen at all, it can profoundly affect your feelings about each other.
Not having sexual needs met could make your spouse feel they have fallen out of love with you since sex is very tied up with love.
Struggling in a sexless marriage? Learn when it's time to stay or walk away. Sexless Marriage & Divorce: When to Walk Away
Financial Problems
Money problems are insidious and can lead to many other problems and discomforts in your marriage. Dealing with financial instability or issues when you are on the same page about how to cope with them is hard enough, but if you and your spouse disagree, it becomes even more challenging.
Overdue bills, an inability to afford to buy a home, bankruptcy, huge medical bills, shopping addictions, and more can impact a relationship and make it very hard to maintain a healthy marriage.
Communication Issues
Communication is essential for a healthy marriage. If your communication breaks down, it could make your spouse feel they no longer love you.
There are various ways this can manifest, such as one partner shutting down and not communicating, lying, not being able to understand each other, having every conversation turn into an argument, and not putting a lot of effort into making time to really talk.
When communication breaks down, it damages the bond that holds the marriage together and makes it very hard to repair it since you can’t actually talk about the situation.
Lack of Respect or Appreciation
If you or your spouse no longer respect or value each other, it can lead to an absence of positive connections. Negative energy and an ability to feel and say good things about each other can eat away at the bond between you, leading your spouse to feel they aren’t in love anymore.
This could happen because of an event (like an affair or a huge fight), or it could slowly develop over time.
Unrealistic Expectations
When spouses have unrealistic expectations for each other or for their marriage, they often find that when those expectations are not met, they start to wonder if the person or the marriage is right for them.
If your spouse has unrealistic expectations, you can never meet them, no matter how hard you try. Disappointment is guaranteed and may convince your spouse they no longer love you.
Lack of Trust
If you or your spouse feel trust is lacking in your marriage, it can impact how your spouse feels about you. When trust is in question, it is hard to feel committed and attracted to your partner.
Rebuilding trust is challenging and can take a lot of time, and sometimes, it’s simply not possible to feel it again.
Is trust the cornerstone of your marriage? Learn if a marriage can survive without it and how to rebuild the foundation of trust. Can a Marriage Survive Without Trust
What to Do If Your Spouse Has Fallen Out of Love
If your spouse has told you they no longer love you or you suspect that is the case, it doesn’t necessarily mean your marriage is over. There are things you can do to try to rekindle that love, including:
- Encourage your spouse to seek individual therapy for their own issues
- See a therapist yourself for support
- Go to couples counseling together
- Seek substance abuse treatment if needed
- See a sex therapist
- Sit down and talk through your feelings
- Set aside time to spend alone together
- Identify what is driving you apart and find ways to work on that issue
- Deal with external problems that are negatively affecting your marriage
- Recommit to improving your marriage and giving it a second chance
- Learn new ways to communicate
Finding out that your spouse believes they no longer love you can be painful and hurtful. Understanding why this may have happened can help you find ways to repair the marriage.
Sources
- How to Find the Right Couples Therapist - The New York Times
- What to Do When Your Partner Doesn't Respect You - VeryWellMind
- 10 Reasons Why Communication in Marriage Is Important - Marriage.com
- SAMHSA’s National Helpline | SAMHSA
- Depression: What It Is, Symptoms, Causes, Treatment, and More - Healthline
