I am a lesbian who has been married twice to the same woman. Once the marriage was voided and the second time it was not. So now I am the respondent in a divorce proceeding. The first two times I got married it was for love, but I did not have a clue about how to have a good marriage.
Almost all the relationships, mostly heteorsexual I witnessed growing up ended in divorce. The vast majority of them did not seem like great ideas to begin with. Unfortunately a lot of folks, like my parents got married because of a pregnancy.
So I had no idea what comprised a good marriage. Now, over 50, with two marriages and one divorce under my belt and lots of individual therapy and couples counseling I know what I want in my next marriage my third and my last.
1. I want a partner in the truest sense of the word. An equal, a soul mate, someone who is my lover, best friend, and “partner in crime”.
2. I want someone who truly sees and understands me for the introvert that I am and how I move through life. I am 57 years-old and have a very social job and can work a crowd like nobodies business, but I am truly an introvert. I am reserved and prefer solitary or small group activities. I love having dinner with 2 people but not a big group. I like seeing movies alone. I don’t want to be joined at the hip with anyone.
3. I want some who knows themself and is complete and not looking for a partner to complete them. There are certainly benefits in being in a coupled relationship but I don’t believe in the theory that “two halves make a whole” when it comes to people. We will be a couple, two people, not one.
4. I want someone who has a life with joi de vivre and who can initiate and plan activities. This is key, I am not looking to provide entertainment for anyone, my partner can and will initiate activities that we both agree on and share equally in the financial costs.
5. I want someone who is fiscally responsible, who saves money and mostly does things frugally. We all make decisions on what we can do based on energy and our income, I want someone who lives within their means and not from paycheck to paycheck.
6. I want someone who is open and honest and communicates. This is key and something that takes practice. Communication is about talking and listening and truly understanding. This is not the time for right and wrong.
7. I want someone who has a spiritual practice and embodies the six steps of happiness from Harvey Fierstein and Cindi Lauper’s Kinky Boots: (1. Pursue the truth; (2. Learn something new; (3. Accept yourself and you’ll accept others’ (4. Let love shine. (5. Let pride be your guide. (6. You’ll change the world when you change your mind.
8. I want someone who loves themselves and takes care of themselves. I mean this spiritually, emotionally, and physically. As they say you cannot keep doing the same thing over and over and expect different results. So if your life is not working the way you want it to, change what you are doing.
9. I want someone who reads. Not trying to be a snob and one doesn’t have to belong to a book club, but you do have to read something, a newspaper, a blog, non-fiction, labels, something with regularity.
10. I want someone who engages in self-examination and changes accordingly. Someone who can admit when they are wrong and be accepting when I admit the same. Changing not because of what I or anyone else says, but because they want to change to better themselves.
What do you think? This applies regardless of gender or sexual orientation.
Peace, love, compassion, and blessings.