I thought the hardest thing in the world would be telling my husband I didn’t love him and that I wanted a divorce. I chose to do it over the phone at the beginning of my deployment because I figured it would be better to tell him then instead of stringing him along for 6 more months.
I had known for a while that I was going to do it, I just didn’t know when I would. When I finally worked up the courage to tell him, it was terrifying. I had no clue what the future held, but I knew it was the right thing to do for me and my two-year-old son.
I quickly realized that the hardest thing wasn’t breaking the news to my husband, it was to watch my confused son apprehensively handed off through a doorway of an unfamiliar home. It absolutely broke my heart to see what I had done. But I knew deep down, that it was for the best for everyone.
If you are leaning towards divorce, were forced to divorce or mutually agreed, and you’re terrified of the affects it will have on your kids…don’t freak out just yet. You getting divorced could actually be the best thing for your little ones. It may not seem that way now, but just hear me out.
Here are 3 reasons divorce can be as good for your kids as it has been for mine:
He was no longer constantly exposed to resentment and hostility
My now ex-husband and I were as distant as two married people can be. Not only did we completely lack intimacy, every night we sat on opposite ends of the couch, did everything separate, made financial decisions on our own and passed off my son like a hot potato. We were basically roommates that shared a child together.
Sometimes we would argue about normal things that married couples argue about I suppose…however, the majority of our arguments stemmed from a lack of understanding of one another. We weren’t friends, we didn’t talk about things….we were simply roommates.
I couldn’t stand my son witnessing it. We would try not to argue in front of him, but a lot of times our egos got the best of us and we just had to fight to get that last word in. It was like we couldn’t control ourselves. We just fueled each other. My son would start crying, resulting in an even bigger argument. One of us would walk to the other room and not speak for hours.
I didn’t want my son to be around it anymore. He was at an age to where he was starting to understand what was going on and it wasn’t right for him to witness it. He deserved to grow up in a healthier environment. Kids watch everything and learn from their parents. I didn’t want my son to grow up thinking that’s what relationships are supposed to look like and I certainly didn’t want him to think it was okay to talk to his future wife the way we talked to each other.
He learned how to compromise
My ex and I only want what’s best for our son. It took a long time for us to figure out that co-parenting doesn’t have to be a tense, dramatic ordeal. Successful co-parenting involves a lot of matter-of-fact communication and compromise.
Now that my ex and I don’t share assets and no longer have to answer to one another on a daily basis, there’s no real pressure. Our relationship is so much better than it was when we were married. We are actually friends now. There’s no pressure to please the other person or perform a certain way. We still don’t have much in common, but one thing we do have is the love for our son. That’s really all you need for an amicable co-parenting relationship.
As long as your children are number one priority, your love for them will trump the disagreements and force you both to find a common ground. Your children will see that. They will see you work together despite the strong differing stances to find a way to cooperate in order to do what’s best for them.
There’s no better way to display your love for your kids than to put them before your own desires to ensure their happiness. It may hurt you, but the lasting positive impact that decision will have on them will greatly outweigh that pain. It (hopefully) takes a few months for you and your ex to get the hang of it, so be patient.
He has a chance to see what true love looks like
The biggest reason I knew that getting a divorce was best for my son was that I didn’t want him to grow believing that this is what love was like. My parents fought all the time when I was growing up. They didn’t bother to hide it from us kids…or if they tried, they didn’t do a very good job of it. I witnessed them accusing each other of cheating, destroying their personal things, even some physical and verbal abuse. That’s what love looked like to me.
All the guys I used to date either cheated on me, disregarded my needs, used me, and/or verbally abused me…and I thought it was okay. I thought it was something I was lacking or doing wrong to cause them to treat me that way. I knew they loved me, I just needed to find a way to make them show it.
It wasn’t until I met my current boyfriend that I figured out what true love is. He’s shown me that love is built off of a foundation of friendship, understanding, and forgiveness. We rarely argue and if we do, it’s settled through discussion and compromise. He absolutely adores me and tells me how beautiful I am every single day. He gives me the drive and courage to pursue my dreams, and I am so unbelievably happy my son is witnessing it all.
Every day my son observes what a healthy, loving relationship looks like. For the first time in a very long time, he gets to see me happy. And I know one day he will also see his dad happy and in love. I am so grateful for the decision I made to get a divorce. My son will always remember that I didn’t settle for less, I maturely compromised and saved him from witnessing the scary arguments.
Most people think the worst when it comes to divorce, but it doesn’t have to end that way. There’s always the opportunity for things to end positively. My son has two loving parents in two different houses, he couldn’t be happier and neither could I.