Even though we no longer live in a puritan society in which divorce is a big taboo, it still hurts and impacts our lives negatively. Going through a divorce is a painful process for most women. It’s filled with emotional tension, embarrassing explanations, anger, and regret. Most women feel like they are on the verge of losing it. That’s why they use defense mechanisms, in order to cope with divorce.
There are certain behavioral patterns recognizable in many women going through a divorce. In order to overcome the drama and the worries, they subconsciously lie to themselves. These lies are not a solution to their problem, but rather a distraction. That’s why lying as a coping mechanism should be avoided. Or, at the very least recognized and dealt with.
Here are 4 lies women tell themselves to help them cope with divorce.
1. “I’ll finally have the time to do all the things I wanted before.”
The first thing most women say in order to comfort themselves is that they are finally free to do whatever they want. It’s like your ex-husband was standing in the way of you going to the gym or taking a pottery class. You’ve always been free to do all the things you wanted before. Marriage didn’t hold you back and now that you’re divorced, hopefully, you’ll take advantage and actually do those things.
In reality, you’re just looking for something to keep your mind off of your negative emotions. And that’s perfectly normal!
It’s even desirable to keep yourself busy and not sit in a dark room crying over your life (even though you’re allowed from time to time). Therefore, embrace the new situation and use your free time to:
- exercise (great stress relief, by the way!)
- cook healthy meals for your kids
- learn a new language
- start a new hobby
New experiences will help you put the old ones behind, even if it’s just for a couple of hours. Don’t hesitate in finding something to keep you busy. Just go for it.
2. “I don’t need a man.”
Obviously, you are strong and prepared to deal with all the struggles coming your way. You’re going through a really hard time, and essentially – you have to do it yourself. No one else can actually understand what you’re going through.
However, saying that you don’t need a man in your life is unnecessary. We know you’re probably feeling miles away from finding a new partner, but there’s no need to rule this option out. No one likes being alone. We all need someone. And, hopefully, one day you’ll be open to welcoming a new man into your life.
The real reason you’re saying this is the fear of going through the whole process of meeting someone new. You’re afraid you might fail again.
Well, the truth is- you might! And it won’t be the end of the world if you do. On the other hand, you might experience happiness like never before.
Here’s what you should do:
- Don’t think about new partners until you feel like it.
- If you happen to like someone new, don’t be afraid.
- Keep your options open- life is unpredictable.
The bottom line is: there are good and bad things coming your way. You can’t live in constant fear of the bad ones.
3. “I don’t care about my ex and what he’s doing.”
Let’s be real: he’s your ex, you have to be thinking about him and what he’s doing.
You’re probably going to think about him from time to time, for the rest of your life. And this is another completely normal thing- you once shared your life with him!
There’s no need to worry unless you spend hours and days doing nothing but thinking about your ex. If this is the case, seek help from your friends, family or a professional.
It’s not alarming, you just need to learn how to let go of your past. Once you manage to do it, you’ll be liberated and relieved.
4. “The kids won’t feel a thing.”
No matter how young, children understand a lot of things. It’s impossible for you to keep them being impacted in some way by your divorce. Moreover, you shouldn’t do it!
If you completely exclude your children from your divorce, you’re sweeping the problem under the carpet. They’ll sense something’s wrong and they might blame themselves for the whole thing.
In order to help your children cope with the divorce, you need to talk to them openly. Here’s what you should let your children know:
- You love them.
- You’re there for them.
- They’re safe.
- It’s not their fault.
- Everything will be fine.
Let your children express their emotions, even if it’s sadness and grief. This will help them get over the divorce easier.
We know it’s hard. We know it hurts. You’re feeling lost and possibly like you’ve failed yourself and your children. Your feelings are mixed and there’s more good and bad moments to come.
Just remember: your life is not over. You’ve just had a setback but you’re going to push through. It’s not a fortunate event, but you’re there and you can deal with it. We know you can overcome this and we know there are so many wonderful moments yet to come.