I read a comment today on a Facebook post about dating. “I feel lost and unsure of who I am when I’m alone, I can’t wait to find a man to love me and be with me.”
Say what? This person is dating in the hopes of finding someone to love her so she doesn’t have to be alone. Wrong reason to date!
Dating and new love is for the healthy. If you aren’t healthy that new love will only end in heartache and you’ll be right back where you started from. So, before you start dating again after divorce, make sure you’re doing it for the right reason.
Below are 4 Reasons No One Should Have for Dating After Divorce
1. You need to be rescued:
You’re no Julia Roberts and, believe me, Richard Gere isn’t going to come swoop you away in a Limo. As exciting as the thought of someone rescuing you from the stress of single parenting, earning your own keep and the daily drudgery of being alone, being “rescued” is full of potholes, bumps, and disappointments.
Love isn’t supposed to solve a problem! Love has a better chance of survival in an equal relationship. If you’re rescued, you enter into an unequal relationship. You are dependent on, not equal to your new partner and, seriously, how much chance does such a relationship have? Think about it!
2. You are soooo tired of dating:
Yes, dating after divorce can be daunting, and at times haunting. That is no reason to latch onto the first positive prospect that comes along. He looks good on paper, you feel comfortable in his company and, the sex is great. But, do you love him, is there a foundation you can build on? If not, carry on with dating and give true love a chance to come along.
3. You don’t want to be alone:
Your main motivation for dating is to find someone to take away the loneliness or, keep you from having to face your fear of being alone and work through the issue. Mother Teresa was once asked by an interviewer what she thought was the greatest problem on earth. Her response, “loneliness.” It was her belief that more people are in dark despair because they are removed from human contact and companionship.
When you fail to solve your needs in a healthy way and you deprive yourself, you may try to get those needs met in ways that aren’t in your best interest long-term. That’s what loneliness can do. It can drive you to marry before you’re ready. The key to avoiding this? Admit that you have needs and find ways to fill them without desperate measures such as dating in the hopes of meeting someone to take away your loneliness.
4. You need someone to help pay the bills:
Money insecurity drives a lot of people to do a lot of things they shouldn’t. Remarriage happens to be one of them. I had a new neighbor who was newly divorced. Within a couple of weeks of moving into her home, she told me she “needed someone to help pay the bills, around here.” Within three months of saying that, she had married again. I often wondered how the man she married would feel if he knew her main motivation for marrying him was her insecurity about not having enough money. Seriously, is it fair to do that to someone?
Is it wrong to remarry with the hope of improving your financial situation? No. The problem occurs when money motivates you to remarry, and you overlook other factors critical to a successful marriage. Even if the marriage lasts, you can be awfully unhappy if you remarry just for money. Sooner or later you are going to have to look at your husband and decide if you like him in the cold light of day when he is not writing checks. Suddenly an exit from the prison of your indebtedness to your new “bill paying” husband might sound tempting.
And, he will eventually become aware of the fact that he is more of a wallet than a husband. When that happens he will be the one looking for an exit.
Do yourself a favor, before dating with an eye on marriage, get whole again. Make sure you’re fully recovered from your divorce, that you are mentally sound and your faith in yourself to manage on your own has been restored. Only then will you be ready for a new relationship that won’t’ possibly end in another divorce.