The Secret never said it that way, but they got it wrong. No where in the concept do they talk about the importance of deciding what boundaries are, staying within them and then learning how to say ‘no,’ avoid or outright reject what you are ultimately wanting to avoid. Just sayin’.
My third time ’round romance-wise, he had a Myspace and from there I learned that he loved his black cherry Mercedes, cruising to exotic islands and donating time and money to charities. No where in there did he write that for 18 years he witnessed his dad beat the shit out of his mother. Nor did he mention that he took a 2×4 to the back of her head in a fit of drunken rage – or that he had OD’d on LSD at a public venue. Nowhere in that Myspace profile did it say or indicate that he would do similar things, but in a much more violent and insidious way that would drive me to justify the batshit insane idea of staying with him for so long, ruining my life, health and credit score. These are all things I would find out much later. When there was absolutely nothing that could be done.
There’s no way to tell how much of an “adverse childhood” one has had. There’s no way to tell that even if they had a relatively happy childhood, they aren’t going to flip one day and start abusing their family members. There’s just no way to see into the future that way.
What you can tell is probability and how probable anything can be, given the right circumstances and the right elements.
Think of all the social pressure being put on our men these days to fulfill the contract of “husband.” Head of household, winner of all bread, dominator of everything, master of his domain. That’s just stupid. We aren’t meant to be head of anything. We’re meant to explore, cuddle, eat, be well and care about each other.
That being said, the five things to look for might go something like this, if I had do-overs:
1. Loves his momma. Has a healthy, loving reverence for her. She, in turn, does not manipulate him or guilt him into doing things her way. He is self-sufficient and knows what fair and equal means. She trusts his judgment and welcomes his female explorations.
2. Is cognizant of the fact that women, more than men, are being mistreated and held to a higher standard than most male counterparts and is empathetic somehow. He doesn’t have to be a feminist, but it wouldn’t hurt. Men who have no experience with domestic violence will think it is part of the fairy tale of what keeps our history and society going – or some convoluted watered down justification that it is happening. It is infuriating. Men who have experienced it know it is one of our scourges and are either terrified of it happening to them or will engage in it because they are still the victim.
3. Has a healthy appetite for nice things and a healthy, abundant lifestyle that in his view is meant for sharing. Men who are stingy and want to sock money away have probably been living their lives in a glass-half-full and there-is-never-enough state of mind. That means their day-to-day actions will allow for routine low level suffering because “there just isn’t enough” to change the situation. Don’t be cheap and don’t hook up with anyone who is cheap. He should care about his health and the health about the people he cares about.
4. Understands some of the problems in the world and has some ideas for solutions. This is a tall order. I would rather work on the warp drives and antigrav ships so we can break atmo and skip right into FTL and outta here. The problem is now that we have the excellent feature of documenting everything possible that is happening on our planet, thank you Internet, we are now painfully aware of what needs to change – while we build the space programs.
5. Has motivation to be and do good, make changes and get off his ass. Bonus points for wanderlust.He’s motivated outside himself and it shows. He genuinely cares about other people but doesn’t need their approval. Professional sports, cheap goods, lots of booze and negative people are low on the list. A non-excessive fitness routine, thirst for knowledge, short cuts, adventures, travel, kids, family, pets are King.
- Five Men Every Divorced Mom Needs
- Dating After Divorce: Swimming In A Shallow Pool!
- Love The Next Time Around: Five Questions To Help Find “The One”
- Excessive Possessiveness: Don’t Take it Into Your Post-Divorce Dating Life