Let me give you a dating scenario:
You meet a “great guy”. He is good looking, charming, funny, and has your full attention from the start. Dinner is amazing, conversation is flowing, and so is the wine. He seems so into you, so eager to learn about you, and you can’t help but be smitten. Conversation leads to a goodnight kiss, which then leads to a make-out session, which in turn leads to awesome sex.
You feel great about the date and can’t wait to see him again! After all, he is what you’ve been looking for!! Or so you think.
Fast forward to the next few dates, or perhaps the lack thereof. He keeps making excuses about why he can’t meet you and cancels plans last minute. You’ve barely heard from the man. He’s been “so busy” with work. Calls cease and he texts only when prompted. What gives?!
You’ve just been ghosted, my friend.
This is one of many scenarios. Not all dates end up this way, of course. But if you have been in this situation, you’re not the only one. And if you’ve been in this situation MORE than once, you’re not alone there either. Why do we keep attracting these asshats and how do we break the cycle?
After my divorce, I was not an experienced dater. I actually loathed the thought of it: meeting a complete stranger for dinner, awkward conversation, and laughter, do I pay or does he, do we kiss on the first date, etc.
I was not ready but dove into the dating world head first. With that said, I went on many dates. Although the men I dated were different, I noticed most of them were the same in many ways.
For example, the majority of the men I would date were unavailable – I mean this in the sense that they were not looking for a committed relationship. Most had either recently gone through a divorce or prior relationship and were out looking only to sow their oats. So, I’d end up disappointed and hurt. I also noticed a trend in the “type” of man I would attract. Most had narcissistic behavior tendencies; they enjoyed talking mostly about themselves and liked to exaggerate the truth a tad – otherwise known as a liar.
I have listed below 5 reasons why I feel that we keep attracting and dating bottom feeders.
1. Low self-esteem. This is by far the number one reason why we keep letting these douchebags into our lives. We’ve been hurt, knocked down, and we feel like we do not deserve any better. Wrong! We all deserve to be treated with respect. It takes time to pick up the pieces, but we must learn to love ourselves before we can expect anyone of quality to love us back.
2. We’re afraid to be alone. Loneliness sucks. I know. Right after my divorce, I dreaded the times when my children went to their dad’s house. I hated the silence and I did not know what to do with all of the time to myself. I longed to be in a relationship again and wanted a warm body next to me at night. An instant relationship is not the answer. It always ends up in disappointment and heartache.
3. We settle. So, because we are down on ourselves and afraid of being alone, we tend to settle on the first man who will give us one ounce of attention. Just because that man gives you attention does not mean he is a good man!
4. We choose to ignore the signs that we don’t want to see. After we settle, we see the obvious signs and although our gut is screaming at us to run in the opposite direction, we keep on keepin’ on because a relationship is within our comfort zone.
So, your guy told a lie? Oh, it’s just because he is nervous. Still living at home with his parents? Oh, he has just been down on his luck lately. Oh, he didn’t call today? He’s just been soooo busy at work. He is extra flirty with that waitress? Nah, he’s just a super nice guy. NO! Stop making excuses and take off those rose-colored glasses!
5. We don’t speak up. All of those red flags and signs are screaming at us and we still choose to ignore them because of numbers 1-4. We walk on eggshells because we do not want our relationship to end and we do not think we deserve better than what is at hand. So, we choose not to say anything about the things that are of concern. Communication is key to a successful and healthy relationship. If you do not speak up about the behavior, then that behavior is deemed acceptable and it will keep occurring, over and over again.
Dating is a way to learn about what we want to have when it comes to a partner. Do not settle on the first attractive woman/man who looks your way. Instead, take the time as a single divorced woman/man to learn about yourself and what makes you happy. Don’t rush the process. Once you reflect and heal, you will know what you want out of a relationship and will no longer tolerate unacceptable behaviors.
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