After five years of dating, after my.divorce, I entered the world of dating. In fact, I have gone on almost 50 first dates. Each and every experience has given me insight into the male psyche. I’ve encountered everything from batshit crazy to sweet heart men.
I am sharing a few funny real life experiences and a first date reminders for both men and women. One day my first dates will be over and a new chapter in my life will unfold. Buckle up and have fun as I take you back through my 50 first dates.
1. Wear something comfortable, so you spend most of your time focusing on our your date and less time fidgeting with your dress.
2. Don’t go on a date with a man who says he is “technically married.” Either he is separated or his wife doesn’t know he has an OKCupid dating profile.
3. Always meet in public! You don’t want a missing persons report on you after a first date hike! Smart girls are safe girls!
4. Don’t get in a stranger’s car. Sweet Jesus, didn’t you see Silence of the Lambs? Unless you want to be rubbing lotion on yourself in a well at the bottom of a stranger’s basement, drive yourself on your first date.
5. Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend, Google is a single girl’s best friend. The internet holds all our secrets, including if he is married, has an account on a Swingers website or arrest mugshots. I have found all three!
6. It is bad manners to talk about your vasectomy over appetizers.
7. If he says, “All my babies’ mamas” politely excuse yourself and Run, Forrest!
8. Blowie is a blow job AND asking for one before the check hits the table will blow your chances at said blowie.
9. Never accept a second date from a man who kisses like a monitor lizard or a Pit Bull mauling your face. Blech.
10. If I have to shave my legs, a fella should shave his face. First impressions count!
11. Don’t ask to sleep over at a complete strangers house because you are homeless and have to sleep in your car.
12. Don’t tell your date you hate dating and don’t go on dates. She will then realize she isn’t on a date after all.
13. Save the eX files for another time. Super awkward when your date shares how his ex wife cheated on him and now you’re here on a date.
14. He who asks for the date should offer to pay for the date.
15. Ladies should offer to help pay. Don’t expect men to always foot the bill.
16. If he is too good to be true…he probably is too good to be true. Follow your gut instincts.
18. It’s just dinner, you’re not picking out China patterns. Relax.
19. Be yourself! Pretend you are just out with a new friend. It takes the pressure off of first dates.
20. Listen intently and ask thoughtful questions.
21. Pretend you just didn’t catch him checking out your boobs AGAIN.
22. Your date should be a Cell Phone Free Zone. Don’t be a rude a**hole by updating your Facebook status or texting friends.
23. Be a gentlemen! Open doors, pull out chairs and treat her like a lady.
24. Please don’t ask if you will be having sex that night.
25. Hold back with the TMI, I really don’t need to hear about your masturbation rituals or when your ex girlfriend tried to stab you.
26. Don’t say, “I’ve never dated an ASIAN before.”
27. Even worse, refrain from telling me about all the other races you haven’t had sex with yet.
28. Know you aren’t the first to be “hot for teacher.”
29. Please don’t follow this with a request to be put in detention because you’ve been bad.
30. Movie dates are boring, I’ll learn more about Brad Pitt than my actual date.
31. Activity dates actually bond people closer together.
32. If your date is mirroring your moves, it is a sign they are attracted to you.
33. Playful touch is flirting, groping will leave you with a black eye and a knee in the nuts.
34. Texting is lame. Man up.
35. Women fall in love between their ears, pick up the phone and ask her out over the phone.
36. Be spontaneous! Crash a karaoke bar and sing really bad power ballad! Think White Snake.
37. Go for the kiss if you really like them! C’mon and kiss deeee guurl. Sha la la la don’t be scared.
38. Leave them wanting more… no night caps! Save sexy time for later.
39. Don’t get upset if there is no second date. Chalk it up to practice for your next awesome date.
40. Keep your eyes open for red flags. Many of my dates have waved their red flags such as hoarding, cheating, mental illness, etc.
41. Beware of texters turned sexters before even the first date. He isn’t relationship material, he just wants you for his own jerking off material. You are grown, move on lady friend.
42. Make sure to say thank you to your date. You are not the Queen of England. Show some appreciation and gratitude!
43. Don’t go exclusive after one date, have you lost your damn mind?!?! Take your time.
43. Date 3 to find the ONE! Don’t get all hung up on one uncertainiy. Take your time to explore your options.
44. Find a commonality with each other and spend time talking about. Maybe you share a same hobby.
45. Be interesting! Don’t be a milk dud. Share what you are passionate about!
46. Show genuine interest in your date. Ask them questions about their lives. Guess what? People LOVE talking about themselves.
47. Flirt, laugh and smile! You’re on a date, not getting a root canal. Have fun.
48. If you like her, let your date know you had a good time. Maybe be bold enough to ask her out again.
49. Do be authentically you. If they don’t like you for you, then that person ain’t right for you.
50. Don’t give up on meeting a great person! Even if it takes over 50 first dates!