Thank goodness for light bulb moments. They are so awesome, especially when they are not particularly painful.
And just like that I think I have moved to the next step in the divorce recovery process. I have tiptoed into Acceptance. Once again, I reserve the right to regress at any moment.
I have realized the divorce recovery process is fluid and flexible and not the same for everyone. There have been days I felt all steps in a 24-hour period. I feel I have been stuck on anger with a touch of depression for the longest.
But…. this past Sunday I gained some understanding that I am so thankful to receive.
I have been searching for a church to attend in my city. I am not a religious person, but I have my faith (also, PK here – Pastor’s Kid) and I feel it is important to teach Kiddo about spirituality.
I did some research on local churches and finally found a few that I have been meaning to check out lately. I, of course, inform Pap, because all religious/spiritual matters must be discussed and approved by both parents. I inform Pap that I will be attending a service and surprisingly he chooses to attend with Kiddo and I.
The old Wifey would have read too much into him agreeing to join us and think, “Maybe this is his way of saying he still wants his family”. The current Wifey just accepted it as it was and looked for no hidden meaning. It is what it is.
I felt the sermon was very timely for me. The Pastor explained that 2013 had been pretty much a sh*tty (paraphrasing…LOL) year for him and he looked forward to 2014. I wanted to yell “Amen, brother – I feel ya pain”. The theme was Christmas related and titled Miracles in Strange Places.
To personalize his sermon, I would rename it Revelations at Strange Times. I had the biggest revelation regarding my divorce and Pap a few hours later getting ready to visit an ill friend in the hospital.
This friend is really close, one of those “I’m going through a divorce – venting” friend. She called and said she is in the hospital. Now, this is a couple that I consider part of the family. We had our wedding and baby showers at her house. And just a few weeks ago, we all went over there for Kiddo’s birthday get together. That’s how close we are.
I asked Pap if he wanted to go. We did just attend church together and all. But nope, not reading it to it all all (side-eye).
Unbelievable to me, he said “no”. This was one of the last weekends he would be able to hang with his friend (not the Skank) to watch the game. Plus he needed to do some shopping for his office Christmas party.
With his answer, I realized he is an asshole to everyone, not just me. He has been an asswipe in good guy clothing. It was literally a light bulb moment. This is his true nature – selfishness. He hides it well with his passive aggressive crap.
It was a big step and learning moment for me because I did not get upset and get an attitude with him. I just said okay and the Kiddo and I left. He wanted me to text him an update on her status. Ha – that did not happen.
My reaction is huge!! I did not sulk, cry or send crazy texts to him. Maybe, just maybe I need to give myself more credit cause it seems I am further along in this divorce recovery than I originally thought (thank you – therapist).
I was ashamed of him. Pap is friends with her husband and not one of those, the women are hanging out thus I am forced to chat with you friends. They are the go fishing and making wine together type of friends. For Pap to not even consider that his friend may need a little “manly” support was a shocker to me. Maybe guys don’t think/act like that.
I don’t know. I do know his decision to watch football at a bar over visiting some dear friends in a time of need was a revelation to me. I do not know this man. Further more, I am not sure I want to know this man.
The rose colored glasses have been drastically removed and I see him for his true character. I should have recognized when he began and continued affair with the Skank, but I was in denial. Complete and utter denial, because starting an affair on your pregnant wife is the epitome of selfishness. Duh!
Yet, I played the martyr for so long.
Woe is me that you did this to me.
Woe is me that my family is over because of your choices.
Woe is me for the humiliation, pain, hurt and anger you have caused.
That crap ended the moment he said no and went to the bar to watch a stupid ass football game.
I felt ashamed for him, but at the same time a weight was lifted off of my shoulders. Our divorce is not the negative demise of my family as I saw it in my mind. I was getting saved from years of passive aggressive behavior from a truly selfish man. He was releasing me and for this I should be thankful.
We had our final mediation appointment today. I felt so much lighter walking into that office building today. During our session, I actually smiled a few times. As a final act of acceptance and bringing a touch of the old me back, I stated I wanted the credit card rewards points. Small issue, huge meaning.
I was no longer just giving in to whatever Pap wanted. I wanted ownership of the credit card, paid off – of course, and I wanted to keep the rewards points. I felt I had to bend more during this mediation; this was my little act of defiance.
Mediation is now complete. Signatures are the last remaining items needed to complete my divorce. And with a swipe of a pen by a Judge, my marriage will be over.
There are no tears today.
Thanks to him for finally removing the veil. I am at peace today. Yes, there is a tinge of sadness. I am sad for my son. I wanted a different outcome for Kiddo, but even in this sadness, there is an air of gratitude because I will have another opportunity (hopefully) to show him a truly loving relationship. It is sad because it will not be with his father. But I am sure now, that I will get over it.
The ????? (legally still Wifey for now)