I am torn. The following is a letter I would like to share with Grant and Kristy. I’m just not sure when. Part of me would like to share with them soon, the other part of me thinks I should wait until they are older. I would really like some opinions on this.
Dear Grant and Kristy,
I want you to know how very much I love you. Sometimes I think you get it but sometimes I see the tiny children that you still are and wonder how much you will ever truly know. A mother’s love runs so very deep, deeper than anything in our world. I feel it is the next step down from God’s love.
I know these past 5 years have been so very hard on you. You have felt pulled apart so many times and in so many directions and I am so sorry. You have been used as pawns to hurt me, but I feel the past two years have been our time of greatest healing so far. For the past two years, I chose my own path, got poisonous people out of our lives, and stopped listening to everyone else’s opinion on how I should parent you. I am so excited with the progress we have made but know how very far we have to go.
Grant, I remember when you were so little. We were inseparable. Mommy and lil G-man. I remember spending hours together reading, playing and reconfiguring your train tracks for you to play out your incredible imagined stories with your trains. I remember how very close we used to be. I used to get slightly annoyed when you constantly played with my hair, twisting knots in it with your tiny fingers, in your sweet show of affection. What I wouldn’t give to have another knot in my hair right now. I miss YOU so very much. I miss “us” and how close we were. I know your humongous heart is still in there. I can see it in your eyes when we finally get to spend a few days and some good quality time together. Then our time is over all too quickly, you leave and you come back with walls up and your cold expressions again. I am so glad you are starting to question the horrible things dad says about me. All I can say is thank you. I know you are a long way from telling him your true feelings and believing all I want is nothing but the best for you, but we will get there. As long as you tell me the truth instead of what you think I want to hear, we will get to OK.
Kristy, you are so strong. So much stronger than YOU even realize. You have a heart overflowing with compassion for other people down to your very soul and that is a very big gift to fit in such a tiny body. I know you will be OK. Just please, for me baby, don’t ever let anyone in your life treat you bad. Don’t tolerate it. Not for one second. Think of our precious furballs. Our big dog is of excellent breeding and came from a loving home. Our little dog was horribly abused and possibly caged her entire life. Gather all the broken pets you can baby, but when it comes to choosing a partner, choose one like our big dog. Your life has been hard enough already.
The past 5 years have been so hard, you both have no idea. Now that you both are getting older you will need to be making decisions soon. You will need to decide if you are going to keep helping dad do things that hurt us and our time together. You will need to decide if the lies he wants you to tell me and the constant “don’t tell Bella” (he only calls me by my first name to them) are worth the broken trust I will have in you. You need to decide how long you will allow the broken promises to go on. It is not fair that in some aspects, you have to grow up faster emotionally than many of your friends. I am so sorry you do.
You need to find your voices and feel free enough, and strong enough to share your true feelings with everyone in your lives. When you are hurting or sad or happy or excited, I want to know. I want to be a part of your lives as much as I can. I want to see you as much as I can, to make you chocolate chip pancakes in the morning and play board games and giggle and laugh at our crazy pets. I will always be here for you, no matter what happens or what life decisions you might make. I am never further than a phone call, and whenever you need me, I will be there. Like the song says…”my whole world begins and ends with you.”