New chapters always come with change. It may be good that will come from bad, or bad that comes from the best of intentions, but either way there is change. This is not the change I wanted but had to keep in the back of my mind, just in case. I have been pretty much absent from writing for the past year and a half as I embarked on my journey to carry out my daughter’s wishes to change custody and live with me. Ted has stalked me since I left him in 2008 and I often worry he has found out about my blog. I didn’t want anything to get in the way and wanted to do everything “right”, as I have often in the past done everything “wrong”.
Ted, of course, threatened Kristy on the phone the night he received the change of custody papers in July 2015 that he would find out everything she told me. She broke down that night due to the pressure. I should have seen that night as an indication of what was to come, but as they say, hind sight is always 20/20.
The next year and a half consisted of much stalling on Ted’s part, and high attorney fees. I kept asking Kristy if she was sure she wanted this, always with a resounding “yes” from her. A few months ago we had mediation that resulted in finally getting Kristy into counseling. I had been requesting counseling for so long, I was ecstatic just at the idea, and told Kristy to go at her own pace and talk as she was comfortable. When the first appointment came and the counselor spoke with each parent individually, I listened to my support group’s suggestions and used all of the right wording. I didn’t make any accusations, bash or try to sway her “my” way.
On Monday this week, while at work in the middle of my rounds, I received an email from my attorney in the form of a forwarded letter from Ted’s attorney. Kristy’s counselor had called Ted’s attorney to tell him Kristy had made her choice, and was requesting to make no change in custody… at a session Ted had taken her to, that I knew nothing about. I immediately hyperventilated and broke down. My manager let me sit in his office and cry it out while he completed my rounds.
So now I sit here again, feeling betrayed, played, broken and at rock bottom, the very place Ted loves for me to be. My head is swimming and I can’t concentrate. My thoughts jump from one place to the next. Yesterday I went over to my grandma’s house to spend some time with her. I just needed a hug from my Momo. I shared some thoughts with her and she whole-heartedly agreed that I need a change.
I have been muddling through the past 8 years fighting so hard to stay in my children’s lives, to fight everything negative Ted is trying to fill their heads about me. I have been fighting back every time he keeps them over my parenting time, and living through nasty email after nasty email accusing me of everything under the sun. I have been taken to court for false accusations too many times to count. I have put a smile on my face far too often when all I want to do is cry. I am just exhausted.
I can’t do it anymore.
I have talked it over with my boyfriend and I will become the mom I never ever wanted to be. I will be moving 437 miles away from the very beings that mean the most to me in the entire world. They are my world. I am going to do the very thing I thought would kill me, but now know is the only way to save me. I need peace from the daily chaos. I will see them at some holidays and during the summer. I know seeing them will become a battle too, as Cluster B’s don’t ever stop, but I think the distance will help the three of us. I guess only time will tell.