Friday was a tough day. It started ok, but quickly went to crying my eyes out for a couple hours followed by lots of couch time, endless tv watching, no shower, and I didn’t even brush my teeth. Everyone close to me knows I rarely sit, never watch tv, and if I don’t brush my teeth SOMETHING is terribly wrong.
Long story short, I suspect Grant oh so willingly took daddy’s side on something that will cost me a great amount of money right now. I am at rock bottom financially and Grant knows this. He has been told by daddy more than once” If you want__ (insert expensive schooling or anything outrageous here)__ I will make sure your mom pays.” Grant knows I couldn’t even afford a gallon of milk during my parenting nights last week.
I think my reaction was due to a LOT of stressors building up and the straw finally broke the camel’s back and I crumbled. I let myself have these days every once in a while. I know I will come out of it and be myself again, but at that moment, I need to decompress. This vegetative state sometimes leads to a re-evaluation, or sometimes a revelation. This time it was a decision. This decision brought me peace so Saturday I started to feel a little better, and today I feel me-ish again.
I am handling the financial situation as best I can, but I am still stressed beyond capacity. I have to have faith everything will work out and God will not give me more than I can handle. I am at the edge though. When I am coming out of a face-in-the-dirt-day, I force myself to count my blessings. I need to say them out loud this time, because I have not been this low in a few months, so please bear with me.
1) My family, and close girlfriends
Without these guys I would be homeless and probably worse.
2) Divorced Moms.com
FINALLY there is a place with moms I can relate to, learn from, and cry with, no longer feeling so alone in my struggles.
3) The farm
This is my peaceful place. I go to the farm as often as I can, 450 miles away. The farm helps me “find me” again when life is losing its light. “…..because no one will EVER understand your love for that ‘horse smell’ or the peace it brings your soul” is one of my favorite quotes. And every word of it is true. I NEED that horse as much as I need to breathe. Bonus: I get lots of “sexy time” with my boyfriend which also helps me de-stress.
4) Chocolate and ice cream.
Together or separate. Doesn’t matter. I would still trick or treat if it was socially acceptable.
5) My furry children
Aka, my zoo. As much of a pain in the ass as they all are, they rescued me as much as much as I rescued them.
He was originally included in my family and friends blessing but he needs to be in a category all his own. He is the first man who has ever really loved me. He has never possessed me or controlled me calling it love. He respects me. He has shown me that true, real love is patient and kind and he is my best friend. Even in the middle of incredible drama, he has never once hinted that he has had enough. He could have easily bolted by now, but told me early on he is in this for the long haul and has proven it over and over again. The horse at the farm is my daughter’s birthday present last year. Did I mention he is almost 10 years younger than me, smart, witty, and has that rugged, sexy country boy appeal? I think I will hang on to him. 😉 😉