If there is one thing a narcissist hates, is for their ex to be empowered. They hate it to their very core. They live for upheaval, unhappiness in YOUR life, and to make you feel beat down and without hope. If your ex took your children to punish you, like mine, these are feelings you know all too well.
The more I research narcissists and how to co-parent with one, the more I am learning he is not capable of change. The narcissist truly believes it is the rest of the world with allllllll the problems, not themselves. They are not capable of taking responsibility for any of their actions. It’s not that they won’t, they can’t.
I am the one who has to change. I have changed a lot, and healed a lot over the past few years. I learned I cannot allow myself to be sucked into his need to create havoc and turmoil. I have learned I am healthier by not reacting, and I am learning to focus on my needs first. I cannot take care of anyone if I am not healthy. I am determined to grow and keep growing, learning and healing.
I have been very down and negative lately. There is just too much happening and coming at me and I cannot carry the weight on my shoulders. I have been praying for a break, to pause for just a moment to be still and listen for what I should do next.
Some people don’t understand this. It’s something I had to learn by doing it wrong many, many times. God will not hesitate to smack me with a brick if I do not slow down and try to be still and listen to his whispers.
I am trying hard. The negativity and anxiety that comes from living this life the past 5 years has been strangling me. The only thing that has kept me going lately are the amount of hours I have been blessed with working at my two jobs over the past few weeks. My hours are not guaranteed at either job, so I work around my parenting time and accept whatever hours come my way. The bills need to be paid, so I keep getting out of bed.
I stumbled across a blogger, author and speaker today while internet surfing. Melanie Tonia Evans is not a therapist, but developed a program to help people break free from narcissistic abuse and truly heal, not just treat symptoms, as many therapists are only trained to do when helping clients heal. Everything I have read so far has intrigued me to keep on reading. Her program is called Quanta Freedom Healing and I fully intend on researching it further. I will keep you updated….
Anyway, I want to get to the reason for my post today.
Today I had an empowering day.
I even called my mom on my way home and had a good laugh with her. My mom and grandma are my biggest cheerleaders.
Grant and Kristy’s school was closed for the millionth time this year and it was my day off. Ted had to work. Since Ted has remarried, Betty gets to care for my children on these days when I did in the past. I have moved past the anger associated with this. It is what it is.
Kristy and I were texting back and forth at different times throughout the day today. Late afternoon, she texted and said “Dad just called, he is on his way home because Grant has an orthodontist appointment in 45 minutes.” ……yet another appointment I was not informed of.
She asked if I would attend the appointment, thinking it would be “funny” to show up to an appointment I SHOULD have been informed of weeks ago. Plus, she also needed something for school and did not trust her dad would pick it up later.
I slapped on a hat, brushed my teeth and slathered on some moisturizer, packed her things and headed out the door.
In the past, I would not have attended an appointment like this without extreme anxiety along for the ride. I would shake, sweat, and feel nervous every time I had to be around their narcissistic father. He lived for these reactions in me.
As I grow, research and continue to heal, my fear has started to fade. I am stronger, stand taller, and will not give him the satisfaction of seeing me cower.
Ted hates this. Narcissists, to me, are like animated super villains. They suck the good out of everyone they can and inject their victims with fear, regret, and hopelessness. They dominate, project,and blame until their victims are lying in a crumpled heap on the floor. Their super powers grow each time a victim falls or even waivers from their behavior or actions.
…Today it wasn’t going to happen….
I put on my biggest smile, and walked into that orthodontist office with my head held high. I would pay money I don’t even have right now for a picture of Ted’s face when I walked through that door.
I smiled my biggest smile at Grant and Kristy, and marched across the room right to them. Not even a butterfly flittered in my stomach. Ted instantly looked down and I pretended he wasn’t even there.
(*side note*….Okokok, professionals, I am a work in progress, here. No, I can’t greet him with sincerity yet, so I choose nothing over being fake.….)
I set the bag on the floor and greeted Grant. Kristy and I then began to talk about the contents of the bag.
The doctor came out and greeted Grant and took him back to the exam area. Ted quickly followed. It was just Kristy and I in the waiting room. She was stifling a laugh as best she could. I told her I really wanted to go back with Grant, but didn’t want to leave her alone in the waiting room. She insisted she was fine with her ipad mini, and that I should go. So I went.
The doctor was a little confused to see me, but I didn’t falter one step. I, again, plastered on a big warm smile and said out loud “I am so happy to finally be able to attend an appointment today!”
Ted asked a few questions, and I spoke to the assistant many times. Ted asked how long the appointment would be, (it was about 10 minutes into a half hour appointment) then without a word, got up and walked past me so close I had to move, and went out in the waiting area.
I continued to talk to the assistants and Grant, teasing him a little at one point. When the appointment was over, I walked with him to the waiting area to where Ted and Kristy were sitting.
Ted quickly announced “alright guys, let’s go.” Twice. As if they didn’t hear him the first time. Kristy was trailing behind, like she always does, and reached out to me as she passed, giving me the same face she did earlier. I almost laughed myself.
When they were gone, the receptionist was finally free, and I asked if an appointment was made for the next visit. The receptionist quickly printed an appointment reminder card with a big smile on her face. She stated she was at the beginning of a divorce and understood my feelings when I told her how I found out about the appointment today. I quickly told her about divorcedmoms.com, thanked her and laughed when I got out to the car.
It was very clear I was the empowered one today. I am certain Ted will invent a way to punish me for it, but he can’t do much more that he already hasn’t done. It felt like a small victory in my healing. I was different today, and Ted didn’t like it one little bit.