I was talking with a deeply spiritual friend last week. She was telling me about a tea leaf reading she had a long time ago. ( I honestly didn’t even know that was a real thing outside of Harry Potter.) She told me her tea leaves kept going back to the significance of eagles. She didn’t believe it at first because eagles are rarely seen in our area, but an eagle soon after perched itself on her property. She feels the eagle was there to signify change in her life. She told me she meditates, and her meditation helps her to slow down and listen.
My head has been spinning in so many different directions for the past five years. I have darker times than others, and times I just can’t seem to get off my knees. I keep waiting for the next wave of bad.
Six months ago I sank into darkness yet again. On the outside, I smiled and laughed, tried to see the silver lining and acted like I was fine, but actually, I stopped trying to see light. I had a series of bad things happen, and started to live in the negative. I kept sinking lower. Therapy is not an option when I can’t even put food on my own table. I needed to change my outlook but was clueless how.
So, I started googling and reading everything I could think of to try and help myself. I read an article in a magazine in late spring by a woman named Glennon Doyle Melton. She had been through hell and wasn’t ashamed to tell her story. I thought…well I can certainly relate to her!! I started visiting Momastery regularly. The message I kept seeing over and over…be still and listen.
When I had the guts to post a message on Momastery, the one response I remember most was to put down my sword and quit fighting so much. I was offended then, because I couldn’t just stop fighting my ex narcissist and lose what little parenting time I had left with Grant and Kristy. I knew that response was something I needed to hear, but was not ready to hear it. I couldn’t take my armor off. I am terrified of taking it off, but I am beginning to see that I need to.
I kept researching. I contacted a site that was just getting off the ground called Divorced Moms.com. I asked if they would be interested in the perspective of a non-custodial mom. I wondered if I could help other moms like me by sharing my story. A miracle happened, and I am so very blessed to have the honor of knowing two angels on Earth, Cathy and Laura.
I kept researching, within Divorced moms.com and outside. I read so many posts by other bloggers and moms who had been through hell. I kept seeing it…be still. Slow down. Listen. Then the word narcissist kept popping up, so I started researching narcissism. Holy cow. My life was being described, sometimes word for word.
I found a fabulous site called noncustodialmoms.com. I met so many fabulous moms, most of us having one big thing in common, narcissistic exes. Like I have said before, in sharing stories with these brave, courageous women, sometimes only the names would change inside our stories.
I recently found Melanie Tonia Evans and the Narcissist Abuse Recovery Program. I can’t afford the program right now, but have signed up for every newsletter and free ebook I can, and read as often as possible. Melanie’s concept is far from anything I have ever read or heard of, yet it makes sense and I feel like I have the chance to really feel like myself again. I also kinda figure, what the hell? I have tried so many other things, and I just feel like I keep getting beat down further. I feel like I may someday get to the point of no longer feeling so beat down and damaged.
I need to change my outlook on my life and change my constant fears for my children going through emotional abuse from their father and fears of Grant becoming just like Ted. I KNOW the sweet thoughtful little boy I raised is still in there, somewhere. I see it in his eyes and I believe in him.
Patience is very difficult for me but I am learning. It is difficult for my family and friends and not everyone understands that sometimes I just HAVE to be still and listen and not always act. Acting out of desperation and without thinking a problem through has proven to be harmful more than once.
God, I am trying as hard as I can to sit down and listen, please be patient with me as I try to learn and grow and wait for your whispers and signs of what to do next. I know I need to let go of my fears. I will remain on this path, but I am human and may stumble. Please be there to show me the way, so hopefully you won’t need to throw any more bricks to get my attention.
I feel like I have been in an emotional war for too long. It is up to me to fix me. I control the power of how others make me feel, and I am tired of allowing others to make me feel bad.