A few months ago I decided that was it. I was just sick and tired of the drama, and the worrying, the anxiety, the negativity and the darkness. I decided I was going to step back into the light whether I danced or crawled. I prayed a lot for help. I researched everything I could. I even jumped into the world of Facebook since everything seems linked to it.
What I have found in that time is that there are a ton of support groups online, especially on Facebook, but very few aimed at actually healing. I have joined about every support group I can find on narcissism, but I am finding no help or hope from this. It seems like the same vicious circle of talking about what their ex narcs did and what the broken system did and it feels like a pit of darkness, anxiety and drama to me.
Dwelling on the darkness and drama only brings on more of it. I am done with feeling that way and wallowing in it. I am closing that door and although it may be pushed open from time to time, it is up to me to close it again. I am taking control of my feelings and how others make me feel, period.
Melanie Tonia Evans’ site has offered me the most in my healing journey. While I cannot afford the NARP program, I read her blog and have downloaded all of the free ebooks I can. Melanie’s approach to healing has brought more light back into my life in the short couple of months I have been following her, than anything else in the 6 years since I reached my breaking point and left Ted.
Yesterday, I reached another milestone.
Last weekend for Mother’s Day, the kids and I went to the farm. I REALLY needed to get away, even if it was only for the weekend. Grant was far from happy, but this is normal. Ted wants the kids to hate the farm and anything associated with it, so Grant complies. He had a fit telling me he had made plans with his best friend down the street to have a sleep over. Grant’s attitude followed mid way through Saturday, improving only after we went “Treasure hunting” at thrift shops and I bought him a book, a shirt, and a game. I spent a total of $3. He went out of his way to thank me for buying him these items, and his attitude improved the rest of the weekend.
Last night, while Grant was down the street with his friend, I was helping Kristy with her homework. She made me pinky promise I wouldn’t tell Grant something she wanted me to know. I promised. She then said “I heard Grant telling dad about last weekend. He told dad he lied and told you he planned on having a sleep over just so you would make it up to him somehow, since he HAD to go to the farm.”
At first, I was pissed and felt used. I thought in the past month I had seen a little change in Grant of being more neutral and not so against EVERYTHING about me. I have been killing myself to positive vibe the hell out of that kid. I thought he was starting to see. He had even made joking comments that “In this home, no pessimism is allowed, mom!” which made me stop mid complaint about something and giggle.
This isn’t the first time Grant has slammed me or used me in some way then bragged to daddy about his accomplishment. I have since decided, it’s far from the last.
I texted the friend’s mom, who is a good friend of mine and knows the day to day shit I deal with from Ted. She asked her son, and he confirmed he and Grant DID have plans for a sleep over. To me though, it just doesn’t matter anymore. Grant will keep trying everything he can to win the love of his narcissist father through truths or lies.
Is he one step closer to turning into Ted? I am done worrying and thinking about it. It brings darkness and anger and lost hope. I will always hope Grant chooses love and respect and to not allow his inner self to be destroyed by a terrible father, but I cannot prevent it. I will keep living positively, and being the example of unconditional love, but I am just totally completely done worrying about it. I am letting go, and what will be will be.