Here it is, another solo Valentine’s Day, my third without Husband #2.
The first Valentine’s was celebrated in silence. He refused to converse with me, on those rare occassions when he had to interact, his voice was cold and contemptuous. The second Valentine’s Day ushered in a declaration of love – how he wanted to kiss the “Oooooooo” right out of me – but still sent from afar – love in card form. Now number three finds us back at silence, with no reason to talk to each other. What is there to say other than we have different goals regarding a committed relationship.
Will Valentine’s next year find me alone again?
Somehow, some way, progress will occur and an interest in dating sometime in the future eventually emerges. That Deja no longer has visions of yawning into a margarita glass as some nice man spills details about his hobbies, children, and current career. But will I be ready for romance?
On to the next question to see if dating is right: What’s the motivation for getting back on the horse?
Cathy Meyer published a great article titled Is Fear Prompting Your Search For Another Relationship? Being the self-improved researcher that I am, curiosity controlled the click. Would any of my issues make the list?
- The fear of loneliness
- The fear of potential social ramifications
- The fear that that we’re getting old / fat / ugly
- The fear of an uncertain financial future
- The fear of our kids not having a strong mother/father figure in their lives
- The fear of having no purpose
- The fear of facing an unknown future on our own
I’ve been pretty open about my loneliness. To phrase it another way, I’m real about my big fears. I’ve talked about how I enjoy sharing experiences and how they are richer (for me) when I have a loved one around to be in the moment. I really miss that aspect of being in a relationship.
What may not come through in my blog is my self-sufficiency. I don’t need or want to be saved by some Prince Charming on his stallion.
I have people in my life because I want them, not because I need them. While I may be lonely and miss the companionship of a loving partner, I’m not one to run to a relationship just to quell the feelings of alone-ness. I haven’t jumped into bed with the Roofer or even considered dating anyone for a while. I’m OK with being alone, I just prefer intimate company. It’s my preference, kind of like a craving for lobster.
(Mmmmmmm, lobster……. Brings to mind a story about Maine and little restaurants on piers…. Another shared experience)
For those of you following along, it is now the 2 month anniversary of the phone call that ended it all. Of course, I’m deep in the “emotionally unavailable” column and should be avoided at all costs. I need to wear a warning sign – I shouldn’t even think of putting myself out there any time soon. I’m not divorced. I’m separated. I haven’t spent adequate time getting over my last relationship. I’m a walking, talking super ball who will bounce her way into a rebound relationship if I’m not careful.
Even my fear of dying alone can’t overcome my conscious choice to not get into a new relationship before I’m ready. It seems as if a single’s death is not as powerful a fear as originally thought.
For now, I don’t have a motivation to start dating. My efforts this year are to focus on FULFILLMENT and that means a “deep emotional house cleaning” to get rid of the old baggage before innocently smiling at someone new.
Like Rapunzel, I will remain locked away in the tower for the next 10 months and just let my hair grow a little longer.