During our pre-sushi discussion, The Roofer and I talked about dating in our 40’s. He’s looked around more than I have and declared most women to be “crazy bitches”. Well, I can see his point but I also think that the presentation offered by most men tends to attract a certain kind of, um, how shall I say this politely – trashy type.
Case in point, I created an online dating profile. Nothing fancy, in fact, it’s nothing at all except a temporary photo, so-so nickname, and a generic blurb that says, “profile to follow.” I’ve literally done nothing to attract any man to my profile. NOTHING.
But if one more guy tells me I’m a MILF, I think I’ll go all postal in the nearest clock tower.
Really? This is what you say to a woman to get her to meet you? “Hey! You are such a MILF and I look forward to giving you 5-hour orgasms!” I am not making this stuff up.
OK, let’s break this down for a moment to see why this might not be the best approach for me, or any other normal woman, to want to meet you, let alone start up a relationship with you.
1. You called me a MILF. I don’t know which circles you travel in, but obviously you’re surrounded by teenage boys who think telling someone that they want to F them is classy. Let me put it to you like this, MILF is to quality women what Sugar Daddy is to quality men. How about I respond back to you and say, “I saw your bank statement and I just want to ravage that thing until it is bone dry and all used up.” Roooowwwwwl…. Bring it, Big Boy. I just see one giant dollar sign when I’m with you. How’s that? Wanna date me now?
2. A five-hour orgasm. Hmmm, I hate to tell you this but after 40 minutes on my back, I’m looking up and daydreaming, “Blue. I think I’ll paint the ceiling blue.” Sexual prowess may be in your bag of tricks but getting my pants off will require a different tactic. Tell me about how you want to help me weed my garden, or renovate my bathroom, or just show up with a tool belt on and work with me to fix up an old farmhouse. Those are the things that get me hot and bothered… the man who improves my life and listens to my dreams. I’m not asking you to do it all, I’m asking you to give me a strong, helping hand. Then I’ll make it worth your while.
3. The photos. I don’t even know where to begin… OK, FOCUS. Make sure your profile photos are in focus. And well lit. And don’t include your ex-wife or ex-girlfriend. Lose the baseball hats, bandanas, sunglasses and whatever else you’re hiding your baldness behind. We know what’s going on with a guy wearing a cowboy hat and sunglasses – you secretly love Richard Petty. And another thing: enough with the selfies. For some reason, every guy tends to take a photo holding his cell phone down around his waist. Do you know what that gives us? A clear shot right up your nose. And you look menacing. So instead of clicking to learn more about you, we end up clutching our purses a bit tighter. Find a friend, any friend with a decent, non-cell camera, and get a couple of nice photos taken. If you don’t have friends, hire a pro. Because if you don’t care enough to present your best self, we don’t care enough to learn more about you. And keep your shirt on. Please keep your shirt on. Showing us the guns just tells us that you’re a player and not someone to take seriously.
By all means, be honest. If you’re looking for a hookup, just say so, but make sure you’re getting in touch with someone like-minded. Don’t go pinging me! Because my bio says I’m looking for a serious, long-term partner and I don’t have time to waste on sack jumpers. Profile names like “GoinAllNite,” and “Johnny69” are not scoring you any points with the normal crowd.
That’s why the crazies are coming out of the woodwork. It’s your approach. And frankly, the rest of us have been through the wringer with cheating, self-centered jerks. We’re not looking for a lateral move, we’re looking to advance. So show your quality and ditch the crazy-magnet behavior!
Unless you’re into that. Then God help you when you get stabbed with your own filet knife. You deserve it.