Today was a step towards the end. I faced my fears and offered Husband #2 a solution that was not what I wanted, but would make him happier than he is right now: I extended my final gift to him…I will pay for the divorce.
He’s struggling with the task of finding work. I have funds. I did the research and found out that $300 will pay for the cost of filing papers at the courthouse. The state he lives in has online divorce forms. Our split is simple…there is nothing to split. The hardest part of the filing is figuring out which last name I’ll use going forward.
We don’t have children. There is no alimony or child support. I let him walk away with retirement accounts I set up for him and he let me keep the equity in the house. We disagree with the fate of the Health Savings Account. He wants me to take 1/2 of it. I really don’t feel the need. The amount is not something that will make or break either of us.
Reality has reared it’s ugly head and I see months, if not years, of waiting for movement from him and his ability to pay. I’ve been listening to his pretty words telling me how I’m amazing, he loves me, I’m the love of his life, he doesn’t want a divorce…but then he flips right around to continue the company line: I’m not coming back. The telling is in the actions. While he says he loves me there is no effort to improve our relationship with each other, or even an interest in doing so. We email and email and email and nothing changes. Getting divorced from Husband #2 is not something I want to do and yet today’s actions mean divorce papers coming soon, maybe this month.
Husband #2 has told me that he is living a life that is peaceful, quiet, and miserable. He wants us to be the best of friends. I don’t think that’s so much for me and my interests…I feel it’s more for him and his ability to show how good of a guy he is to all his friends and family. Maybe it’s even a deep seated need to show that no matter how much he’s rejected me, I will still love him.
I’m looking with eyes wide open now and I see that trying to maintain a friendship with Husband #2 would be signing up for more of the bad behavior I endured over the last few years — a man who would purposely hold me at arm’s length when it came to intimacy and a deeply committed relationship. We would have a relationship where he would withhold love and affection and I would take the neglect in hopes that my patience would eventually pay off. In the end, I would live a lonely life without a collaborative and participating partner.
Perhaps our official split will bring him some semblance of happiness or remove some the guilt he feels. I don’t know. I only know that he views me as a bottomless pit of neediness and unhappiness. I only know that he points towards the past again and again instead of recognizing that we both have the power to change the future. I can’t and won’t try to convince him that I’m different. His mind is made up. He’s too far away to experience the person I am, who actually finds happiness in the small, sweet, everyday moments of life.
Today I celebrated facing a fear, a fear that is moving towards me faster and faster, and I still live to tell about it. Yes, divorce papers are coming soon….