On one of the last days before Husband #2 left, he blurted out that he thought I needed to live alone for a while. I’m not so sure that statement was about me, I’ve lived by myself for about 7 years all totaled, and I’m comfortable being on my own. Husband #2 continued to voice his thoughts saying that I was afraid of losing him for mostly financial reasons.It took a lot of guts for me to answer him. Here’s what I said:
It’s true that your leaving puts me in a bind financially but that’s not what I’m scared of. I’ve been divorced before. I’ve been unemployed before. I’ve tried to sell a house in a down market before. I’ve been poor before. Your leaving puts me in all of those situations again and I will survive, like I did before. Those things bother me but they don’t scare me.
What scares me is never being able to hold your hand again. Never getting to kiss you again. Never feeling your body on top of mine ever again. Never hearing you say, “Hello, Beautiful” again. Those are the things that I’m afraid of and they are real and happening now. I do miss him terribly. I think it’s good to confess out loud how much I miss him, even if I’m only admitting it to myself. Do I think he’ll ever come back home? No. My God, that man is stubborn! I’m bringing up what I miss about him because it helps me to grieve the pending death of our marriage.
It’s the way he walks. He had this somewhat skinny, bow-legged lilting step that made his gait very recognizable to me. I could pick him out of the crowd at Home Depot when he was many aisles away. I’d go to the garden section, he’d head over to lumber, and we’d meet somewhere in the middle after visiting our respective spots. He’d saunter through people like I imagined a cowboy of old would, walking down a dusty trail with his hands in his jacket pockets. I loved watching him walk towards me.
Now when I go to the home improvement store, it tugs at my heart that he’s not here. I never told him about this. Yet, in one of his last declarations, he vowed to never go into a home improvement store with another woman ever. I know that’s completely crazy and a promise he can never keep. But it breaks my heart thinking that someone else will someday see that same walk the way I did.