When looking at our current situation it is ironic. Husband #2 is living a life with situations he fought against while we were together.
Case #1: My retirement dream is to live in an old farmhouse with some land, preferably close to a small town, and restore it to its former glory. Husband #2 fought that idea. He didn’t want to move from our current place. He definitely didn’t want to work on another building. Even my looking at potential properties on Realtor.com would frustrate him. My daydreaming hit his stick in the mud attitude and dissension ensued.
Today’s reality: Husband #2 moved to a small town of 9500 people. He lives in an old farmhouse on an acreage. It is ironic. He’s talking to the owner about possibly updating the electric service in the house. He’s talking about painting the interior.
Case #2: One of our major sources of conflict was my involvement in his business and the business’ impact on our home life. Husband #2 felt that I was too much of a factor of influence in his dream. He wanted to run it his way without any comments from me. My complaint was that his business dominated every aspect of our lives, including our physical home. During one of our therapy sessions, I offered up a Hail Mary compromise, one that was so drastic that I thought he would snap it up in a second.
My compromise was to have me step completely out of the planning and leadership of the business. Husband #2 would be the leader. I would be a drone worker bee doing whatever work Husband #2 assigned to me…without question…unless it was an item that my previous expertise would consider “dangerous to the survival of the company”. Basically, it would have to be equal to fire pouring out of a computer before I would offer any opinions.
In return, Husband #2 would turn over the running of the house to me. That included decorating and project planning. I would be the lead. As above, Husband #2 would step in when his expertise was needed…pointing out things like load bearing walls, electrical requirements, construction instruction.
In my mind this was the perfect compromise. So it was a complete surprise to me when Husband #2 turned my offer down. He didn’t want to let me be the lead on the house and he didn’t want to be the lead on the business.
Today’s reality: I run the house. He left it in my hands 100%. I make all the decisions for it. He runs the business completely and is in the process of re-establishing himself as a business owner in his new locale. It is ironic that his actions have us living what I offered up during therapy.
I find this frustrating. It is almost like my dreams and suggestions were rejected and resisted simply because they were my ideas. The really funny thing is that Husband #2 acknowledges these ironies.