Work. Mow. Eat. Sleep.
I’m in my summer rut. At least it feels that way this week. Work is busy and I’ve put in extra hours every month this year. Good for the paycheck. Bad for my free time. The grass is constantly growing. My riding tractor is out of commission. One flat tire and a much needed oil change have kept it parked in the garage since last fall. I should probably schedule a repairman to come out. Somehow I just think of these things as I’m falling asleep. In the meantime, I use the walking mower to cover the 1.5 acres that is the lawn. All that pushing helps me to keep my girlish figure. There’s a sense of accomplishment today. Every inch of the yard is mowed. It only took me 4.5 hours. So I had nachos tonight for dinner. Yum. I dig Mexican. It’s a rare treat. I know how cheese and tortillas love to hang out with my hips. Not good for the breakup diet.
So there’s my rut.
Speaking of ruts, Husband #2 and I have a rut as well. It’s our argument rut. We have some standard disagreements we rehash. It goes something like this:
H#2: You’re so black and white. There are no shades of gray with you.
Me: I’ve got black and white and shades of gray in me. Maybe you just choose to see me as black and white.
Me: I don’t feel certain about your love. I don’t know where I stand with you.
H#2: You’re so needy. We’ll talk about this later.
It gets me wondering, how can I voice my needs without sounding needy? Do I really come across as needy or is it just Husband #2’s perception of me? I should look up the definition of “projection”. I’m sure that will cross my mind tonight while I’m drifting off to sleep.
Is it wrong to wish for a feeling of certainty in a relationship? Maybe. Maybe not. Is it needy to ask for what I want? Maybe. Maybe not. It’s not like I expect him to rub my feet or drop everything for me. He tells me he loves me but somehow I usually end up feeling like I’m 4th or 5th on the list, somewhere behind work, clients, friends, and whatever else grabs his attention. The one time he said something that made me feel like a priority, I burst into tears and completely shocked him with my reaction.
Husband #2 said it was like his emotional crack. He’s an admitted people-pleaser. Funny, I never felt people-pleased. I wonder why.
Maybe the world would be a better place with a little more certainty and openness and truthfulness. Trust is built through consistency… Would I view Husband #2 as insecure or needy if he told me what he needed from me?
- “You mean the world to me.”
- “My life is better with you in it.”
- “I want to share myself with you.”
So easy to say, so why the resistance? These are the sincere words that I long to hear.
I’m looking at the calendar and the year is just about half over. Another year without Husband #2.
I am prepared to leave or be left any day. Actually, the leaving part has already taken place. Now it’s just the finalizing part that remains. The thought of divorce makes me sad but I’m ready for it. Sadness just indicates loss. I’ve felt my feelings of failure. My trust is gone. My husband is a stranger to me, not because I have no interest in knowing him, but because he has hidden himself from me for so long. I own my feelings and I’m traveling through them.
It’s a good thing the shovel is right next to the mower. At least I know I can dig myself out.