My first day back to work after the cruise I received an instant message from my friend and mentor:
This is the month of reckoning. How did it go?
I had a great time! As expected… but I decided it was time to cut ties. He and I are on different pages when it comes to what we want out of a “relationship”
So he thinks of you as a BFF with benefits then?
OMG! It hit me like a ton of bricks. Yes! That’s what I am, a BFF with benefits!
Urban Dictionary helps me to make sense of it all:
- BFF: Best friends forever (or maybe the more disrespectful alternate definition)
- Friends with benefits: Two friends who have a sexual relationship without being emotionally involved. Typically two good friends who have casual sex without a monogamous relationship or any kind of commitment
Somehow I got tucked into this convenient compartment. Somehow I ended up being something I vowed I would never be, a reliable booty call.
Why would I want sex without love and commitment?
So maybe that last question is a little harsh. I’m sure Husband #2 loves me in his own way, on his own terms, but the commitment part is dead on. While he says I’m the “love of his life” and the only one for him, his actions don’t back up his words. I’m still the “girlfriend in a jar”.
He’s Ok with engaging in a relationship with me as long as I have my own life, one that is separate from him, one that doesn’t count on him, rely on him or expect anything from him. In other words, he’ll be there for me as long as it’s on his schedule. Don’t call out of the blue, don’t ask for him to attend any sort of family function or other occasion, and don’t plan for a future that might involve him living under the same roof, and definitely don’t count on him to be a soothing shoulder to cry on.
In other words, I can count on him as long as I don’t actually count on him. He’ll be there to help me as long as he doesn’t actually have to be there to help me. And I’m supposed to have a normal relationship with his family members as long as he doesn’t have to invite me to any family functions.
It all sounds so healthy and nurturing, doesn’t it.
The term “emotionally unavailable” usually refers to those who create barriers between themselves and others in an effort to avoid emotional intimacy. Relationships with emotionally unavailable people are often depressing and distressing, as their partners end up feeling neglected, unloved and unwanted. Emotionally unavailable people will actually seek out relationships with others, but the problems begin when they are unable to commit fully to their relationships. Because emotionally unavailable people often behave as if they want to be in a relationship, it’s important to be able to recognize the signs that a person is emotionally unavailable. ~ eHow
I don’t think Husband #2 is evil, I think he’s just closed off, by choice, and may not even know how to take down the barriers. Or even want to take them down at this point in his life.
Let’s face it, it’s much easier to keep people out than to let them into our inner circle. Love and hurt go hand in hand. You can’t love without experiencing hurt, even from people who are staying with you and don’t intend to cause you harm.
Making the decision to love completely is a hard one that not every person can handle. Making the decision to stop providing “benefits” without commitment is much easier.