I can say with 100% certainty that I’m not ready for divorce. Then again, I am the dumpee and not the dumper. I believe that there is some good left to salvage in our marriage and that things could be much, much better in the future. Maybe I’ll even go so far as to say they could be great.
Going from out-the-door-separated to great is a huge leap and would require lots of hard work.This is where the stumbling block comes in.
In Husband #2’s eyes, he’s already tried. I view our current situation as being like two adjoining hotel rooms. I’m in one room, he’s in the other. There’s a wall between us with one doorway that has two locked doors. In order to get into the other room, we both have to unlock our respective doors. I’ve unlocked mine. His remains locked and closed. He won’t let me in no matter how much I unlock my side.
The real kicker here is that he still tells me he loves me. And he misses me. And this is where he fails the test of being ready for divorce.
Dr. Phil says, “You know you’re ready for a divorce when you can walk out the door with no anger, frustration or hurt. Otherwise, you’ve got unfinished business.” We have unfinished business. Husband #2 is still angry and hurt. His door is still closed. When he left in March, he told me how angry he was. He told me how much I had hurt him.
Flash forward to today. Husband #2 may have toned down the anger, I don’t know for sure..he’s always hidden it from me, but he’s still hurt and afraid that I’ll hurt him again.
Do not make life-changing decisions in the midst of emotional turmoil. Such consequential decisions should not be made when tensions are high. Get on flat ground first so you can look at things more rationally.
- Are you still inlove withyour spouse?
- Are you hurt?
- Are you scared?
- Are you angry?
- Are you confused?
If you answered yes to any of those questions, you’ve failed the test. This is not the time to make life-changing decisions. You have more work to do. We don’t even have to move past Question #1. I can say, yes I still love Husband #2. And he told me yesterday that he still loves me too. Obviously we have more work to do.
We’re not ready for divorce yet.