Get down and dirty and real and tell me the truth. I may not like it but I can handle it. Men think we can’t take the truth. But I can. And I want the truth.
By telling me the truth, no matter how upsetting, it allows me to make decisions based on the best information possible. And I have to make decisions. Lots of them.
I have to decide whether I want to go on vacation with you if you’ve got one foot out the door and your bags packed. Maybe I don’t want one last “good time together” before you leave. Maybe I would rather go on vacation with someone who actually values me and wants to be in my company for longer than a dinner or a week. Maybe I don’t want the words, “well if we don’t make it at least we have this to remember” rattling around in my head for the rest of my life.
I have to decide which dreams I’m holding on to. I do have dreams for the future and some of them specifically called for you and your special abilities. If you never planned to be around for those dreams, then the better thing is to tell me so I can start making new dreams. It’s cruel to act supportive all the while knowing that when my turn started to get close you would be leaving.
I have to decide how to make up the gap you left behind. Many gaps, the most urgent one being financial. I let my career go to support your dreams and that was a decision I made based on the idea that you would help me in return. It took a long time to find a temporary position after you left and it will take a long time to find a permanent position. Within that time frame there are still bills that need to be paid: mortgage, tuition, medical, and dare I even hope to tuck away a bit for retirement? Another huge gap created by your leaving.
And I need time to heal. That’s the biggest and most important decision I make on a daily (if not hourly) basis. These last two months of no contact have been difficult but necessary to give me breathing room for healing. I miss you, Husband #2. Every day. But I don’t think you miss me at all. I don’t think I mattered to you at all. I believe that because I didn’t matter to you when you were here.
That’s the dirty truth. The truth I need to hear, for if I had known that I didn’t matter to you, I could have made better choices for myself sooner.
So for today, I’ll forgive myself for being an idiot in the past and I’ll make better decisions for myself because it’s only myself that I’ll be planning a future for. I have respected your decision to leave, now I need to respect my own decision to act alone.