Our wedding anniversary is coming up this week. The question came up during a discussion…Would you do it again? If you knew that the first date would lead to a tough divorce and all the issues that brings, would you venture out on that first date? Would you go for that first kiss? Would you accept that proposal of marriage? The big restriction…you would repeat the exact same behavior and not be able to change one single thing during the second round.
I’ve spent the last eight years as Mrs. Husband #2. He asked me to marry him on New Year’s Eve. He was down on bended knee with a ring box presented. I answered “yes” before even looking at the ring he picked out for me. I wanted him to know that the pretty, sparkly thing in his hand had no influence on my decision.
Would you do it again? It’s a hard question to answer without the current pain and confusion and mixed signals and feelings of abandonment influencing my thoughts.
I don’t think this is a Yes or No discussion.
No, I would not do it again knowing the pain I would cause Husband #2. I am ashamed at my behavior during the time we were together. I accept responsibility that I am the one who controls my actions and reactions. Working every day to be a different person, fighting my upbringing, demons, and fears is a full-time endeavor.
Yes, I would do it again knowing how much Husband #2 would bring to my life. I learned a valuable skill from Husband #2 and his business. I loved collaborating with him and the free reign he gave me running the back office. Even simple things, like bringing chai tea into my day.
There aren’t any right or wrong answers here and I certainly am not getting a big cosmic do-over from the universe. So I’ll take part in the conversation even though it’s based in the unchangeable past and just say, “Yes and No.”
And then I’ll focus on the present.