When one of my kids remarked that he thought there was a profound sadness in me, I was taken aback. He has seen me in a good, solid, happy relationship for several years now, and while life isn’t without its challenges, in general, I have no complaints.
And then it occurred to me.
He is picking up on some aura, some mood, some indefatigable “something” that I am still carrying around, or that returns on certain familial occasions. And after all, since my boys are no longer children, these days it’s at those events that I am most likely to be interacting with my sons — at the holidays, a graduation, some other special celebration.
It’s been more than a dozen years, but the fact of my divorce, the speed with which the marriage unraveled, the ease with which my spouse moved on, the tumultuous aftermath that dragged on for a decade, the onslaught of related losses… All of it still hurts.
And I still ache at having trusted myself to the institution of marriage, to the man with whom I stood at an altar and exchanged vows, and to the family court and judicial systems that broke my beliefs in fairness. What I learned: Never let your guard down entirely, and he or she with the deepest pockets wins.
You may interpret my conclusions as bitterness or cynicism, more pronounced at moments and evaporating at others. Personally, I consider these realizations to be hard-won wisdom. I also recognize my own responses as a function of marital expectations formed in the way I was raised, and my vision for what constitutes family. That includes old school values like honoring commitments, following through on responsibilities, working through issues rather than walking away.
No doubt my personal history comes into play as well; I was single into my 30s having declined a few proposals, deferring marriage until I was ready, convinced I had made an excellent choice.
I’ve heard the lectures about moving on after divorce many times. They are irritating and dismissive, and predicated on assumptions that may not be true for all of us, including the adage that “time heals all wounds.” But moving on is not as simple as a prescription, especially when the past is the present, and the present is indeed a bitter pill.
Oh, there’s likely nothing so special about my story except perhaps how long it raged. Yet in our many hard years since the marriage ended, there was a great deal of good in our little household of one mom, two boys and a big mutt. But that fact doesn’t erase the sadness of having said “I do” to a man who is the father of my children, and who became a stranger to me. It doesn’t undo the bittersweet clarity that when I look into my sons’ faces, I see my dad (long deceased) and my ex’s mother (whom I once loved), both of whom are no longer in my life. I cannot deny that when I hear echoes of family jokes that trace back to my children’s early childhood, I flash immediately to other days.
Then I feel the empty space profoundly — not for a man I do not miss — but where a family history of four ought to be.
Instead, there is the story of the three of us together, of something in me irrevocably fractured, and I can only hope, less so in my sons. And apparently, my sadness lingers at moments. Perhaps it is an aftereffect of the years I was carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. Perhaps it arises on those occasions that invariably spark old memories.
Lest you think that’s all there is, I repeat: These days, life is pretty good. There remains a post-divorce financial cloud from which I may never recover, and lost opportunities as a result. But we weathered storms, my children are now young men, and they will find their own way as we all must, with time.
I am grateful that the man in my life sees my joy and hears my laughter; these are qualities in our life together that are our “normal.” (How great is that?) Still, I can only imagine that he, too, senses the sorrow that is part of who I am. We are none of us any one thing.
As for my children, I hope I have been a model of resourcefulness and curiosity, of determination and positivism. I hope they see that what is good in life can outweigh the hurt of our deepest disappointments.
And so I come to accept my reality: Sadness can coexist with happiness; some wounds may never heal though we learn to live with the pain; some pain may never subside completely. You may consider it phantom pain, but it’s pain nonetheless. And regardless of its source, shouldn’t we be allowed to acknowledge it when it returns, free to express our feelings openly?
FAQs about the Pain of Divorce:
Does divorce hurt even after years?
It’s possible for your divorce to haunt you even after years as you struggle emotionally over how your marriage ended, how easily your spouse moved on, and how hard it is to negotiate the ebbs and flows of life.
Is moving on after divorce hard?
Moving on after divorce is hard when all you do is live the past instead of the present. You may find all the divorce lectures and traditional wisdom in adages like time heals all, may not fit your circumstances at all. Moving on after divorce certainly requires more than someone’s prescription.
Can you be completely happy after divorce?
You can be happy and sad at the same time after divorce because memories come and go without a warning. Divorce is like living with a painful wound with which you learn to live for a very long time. Some people see divorce pain as phantom pain, conveniently forgetting it is pain nevertheless. Better if you acknowledge the pain and express it openly instead of trying to deny it as if it doesn’t exist at all.
Great article!!! A lot of it hit home with me.
Great article. Being the left behind spouse I struggle a great deal. Granted i have full custody of my two kids but what’s broken can not be fixed with money or any tool in my tool box. It’s good to see I’m not alone
Agree. Shared custody, full custody, whatever custody a parent is granted; there’s a “brokeness” that will never be repaired. No tool and not even with time repairs. Being the spouse left behind hurts tremendously. Add in a young child, and the other spouse refusing to work on things, rather, cut bait and get out immediately with no reason. If left for another person, the pain is unbearable at times. Especially finding out about the other persons affair 2 years later and how it was happening for much longer. For me, the pain will never go away. It becomes manageable, but that’s about it. My son sees a sadness every so often in me. But that’s good, he’s learning from his father, it’s ok to feel certain emotions, no matter how much time has passed. Deep down, if she tried to come back, I’d take her back. I wasn’t perfect, but many people still scratch head wondering why all of this. I gave someone my entire heart, promises, vows, ups, downs, physical intimate moments, and emotional intimate moments I never thought I could give and share with someone. We all grieve differently. Couple years later, I still float back into hope and denial stages.
I have had a similar situation. My marriage lasted 21 years, I was with her for 23 years. She up and decided one day she no longer wanted to be married to me or anyone for that matter. We had two teenagers a mortgage, a good life I thought. But, I was wrong. She took the house, my business, my kids… my heart and happiness. I was told many times by her and our therapist that I was too attached, I loved her to much. I never realized you could love to much. It has been just over a year now and I still feel like I have been kicked in the stomach daily. I am now very poor and work my butt off to just pay rent on a small apartment. She on the other hand has had a new home built, and is working at a job that pays her 6 figures. I am happy for her and my kids to be having a good life but it still hurts to be left behind. I feel I was used long enough to help her get her Masters degree and pay bills then I was no longer needed. I wished I had not been so trusting and “in love” 21 years ago. But that is life I am told and at 49 years old, starting over dirt poor and broken is not ideal. I trust in God to get me through until the end.
They say it takes a year per year that you were married to heal. Give yourself that time to focus on what will make YOU happy. Do things you wish you would have done and still can do. Make a bucket list of places and things you want to do and see. Do those things! Not all things cost money that you can do or see!
It’s very hard to move on and not think or focus on the should of, would of and could of. I still do it 4.5 years later.
I was married for 29 years and so I am almost there. I feel like I am in a much better place mentally and feel like my old self somewhat but there is no magical switch to healing. You just have to do the work and know some days you will still feel sadness.
Wishing you happiness and healing.
Thank you for this article. It echos my experience so far. Espcially this: “Then I feel the empty space profoundly — not for a man I do not miss — but where a family history of four ought to be.” Yes, indeed.
Similar experience for me… I met my ex at age 19, he divorced me at age 60 to be with his still-married coworker. Thank goodness our children are grown and have started families of their own, so no coparenting or custody to deal with. I chose to go 100% zero contact, which has helped greatly with moving on. But I really related to the author’s comments about how many family traditions – especially holiday celebrations – have been irrevocably impacted. I still find myself falling into a funk in November and December, and then it takes all of January to get my feet back under me. And the recent weddings for two of our sons? Oh, so difficult! I do hope this improves with time.
This is an excellent explaination of how divorce has affected me. Time does not heal all wounds. Pain can coexist with happiness. I have learned to live with the pain but have not found many people that understand. Thank you for this article. It is nice to know there are others out there besides me.
I agree with you… so hard to find anyone that really understands the lingering pain while living in the present. I have moved on and with a new partner. I think, for me, I will never fully recover from the “betrayal” of the life my ex and I had created over 25 years. I also have no contact. Just an occasional issue with finances. Might have been easier on me emotionally if he had died. I would have been able to still respect him.
You have summed up my sentiments towards my ex as if I had typed this out! My situation is without the financial issues now. My children are grown and many milestones are coming up. It’s so tremendously hard to share these with the people (ex-husb and woman from affair – now married, plus their families) that stood by and made my life absolutely miserable for a few years. Did I handle things negatively, sure did. My life was unraveling before my eyes. Am I happy where I am now, DEFINITELY. But this article said exactly the things that others cannot understand unless they’ve experienced it. Now my one son and his fiancé are choosing the dad’s “side” and have minimal contact with my older son, my husband and myself. I don’t know if I have ever felt such an awful feeling of loss besides the death of my parents. It truly has broken my heart. Somehow, I have ended up the “bad-guy”. I only ever did what I thought was best for my children at the time, but guess that wasn’t enough.
Thank you for this article! And Jennifer L hit the nail on the head. Yes, I am male. Sorry, but I needed to share. I was married for 42 years when suddenly, without warning, a knock at the door, and a sheriff with divorce papers. That was 5 years ago. Never have found out exact reason, except maybe money. I lost a 4 generations family farm, but more than that, I lost an entire life of working toward a financially secure retirement, raising 2 children together, and being so close to her family. Divorce happened the year after I had retired. I went through the divorce process in a daze, devastated. We have 2 grown children now—1 doing very well, the other still trying to find his way. The worst part came a couple years later as I was sorting through papers to be destroyed. I put together this: Ex- had removed $70,000 from her retirement account that never showed up in her interrogatory. Also missing were 3 life policies with cash surrender values and 2 annuities. The final dagger was my grandparents will 23 years ago (which I had forgotten, never thinking anything like this would happen) giving me 20 acres of land— in Indiana, inheritance is not included in divorce settlement. I am still sick about all of the deceit after being together since high school. You really can’t talk to anyone about it. Not only would they not understand, but they would wonder if it all was just for revenge. I am still lost, but all the replies I read show my hurting is not alone. I realize this website was for moms, but couldn’t help but reply.
Valerie and Jennifer hit it right on. Nobody really understands. The betrayal is devastating. It’s like I never existed in her world. Coparenting is difficult. The days I don’t see my son are brutally hard. Not seen ones own child daily especially when very young is so excruciating.
Your piece really spoke to me. I identified with your feelings of sadness many years after divorce. Thank you for expressing and sharing your thoughts.
Thank you for writing this article and for me stumbling upon it I’m so glad there are others out there who understand, and can put into words, how this feels.
Thank you for sharing. Only now I realise all that I feel, others feel too. It helped me process all my pent up sorrow since there’s no one in my group of friends or family I would like to share this with.
8 years after my divorce, I am right there. Sad. Deeply sad, and still in pain. The divorce was my idea. I initiated it. I never should have married the guy in the first place, but divorcing him was just horrible. I thought it would finally bring an end to feeling trapped, unhappy and hopeless. But the pain of all of it never really went away. Village historic
Wow. It’s pretty impossible to put into words how I feel after 5 years since our family disintegrated. I am with a wonderful man now and I am happy, and still sad too. It doesn’t mean I want to be with my ex again, it doesn’t mean I want to go back, it just means the pain of the loss of all of it is still there. The world wants everyone to “be over things”. It makes me hide a little bit of my truth (the sadness) from people. I love being reminded that we can carry both happy and sad. Thank you for finding those words.
This so much speaks to me . Again if comforting to know that I’m not alone in what I am still feeling . Trying to still piece together some normalcy with my grown daughters and now my 2 wonderful
Grand children .
As a man who was left behind almost 6 years ago and has been parallel parenting two daughters since, I will simply say that I identify with what you wrote.
This surely helped me, & I’m grateful for the article and comments; 12 years after my husband left me, a week before Christmas, & moved on with another woman, as if we’d never had a life of 25 years. The anger caught me off guard today, for I thought my heart had healed; deep sadness can still come around, this time of year, and I am relieved to know it isn’t uncommon. I believe scars remain, but forgiveness can set us free – still, it is a choice we make each time the pain appears.
Good article and I will add to it. I guess I’m the “oldest” divorcee here 🙂 meaning my divorce was in 2003. I used to pray (if you can consider chain smoking outside your apt. with some cranberry vodka and talking outloud praying) for my ex to come back to me – not to BE with me but to apologize and clarify why he truly left. My pain stems from a few things, pain left over from childhood (which I believe we all have to some degree) and pain from him leaving me without any real (as I saw it) truth for me to keep. Although my ex did apologize, he never really clarified WHY he left. He aluded to “not being happy” “This is not the life I wanted” etc. but it still remained as vague and dusky as the smoke from my cigarettes.
Here’s the thing, what hurts the most for me right now is still not having found another love. While I respect and have empathy for the commentors (and wriiter) who have found another partner and know that this does not eradicate their pain I cannot help but wonder why not me? Why was I the one invited to the party but not given a piece of cake (again?).
I think that is because i still have a relationship with my ex – not with him but with my refusal to let go of him. Every former boyfriend has told me I am still in love with him. And here’s an irony – out of the blue, I checked an email account that I only check maybe 2X a year – and my ex had emailed me – I have not heard anything from him in over 10 years, I lived in the same city as him for 16 years and now? I live in another state. I think this is going to be chance for me to finally heal and let go of him. I truly hope in 2018, I can have a clear mind and an open heart. Good luck to everyone here as well – divorce is tough but we are tougher 🙂
This also resonates with me. I do not miss him, nor do I want him back, I feel like I served my time so to speak after 15 1/2 years of marriage. We have two daughters, one who has special needs that is 24/7 high acuity care, and I’m angry. We were supposed to do this together. He took the get out of parenting free card. I barely get 3 hours a night sleep and am super lucky if I get 4 hours, while he goes on cruises several times a year and vacations several times a year with his new wife. I too get sad in these all too often moments “Then I feel the empty space profoundly — not for a man I do not miss — but where a family history of four ought to be.” Our youngest daughter’s future events such as marriage, graduations, etc., that we now have to be a part of as separate families, instead of being proud together and sharing that moment with each other, I’m sitting alone glaring at my ex, reliving the whole scene of him walking out on me with a younger model going on vacations and living it up while I am barely getting 3 hours sleep a night. I see my future as being alone for the rest of my life, I’m too exhausted and too busy careing for OUR severely disabled daughter. I love my daughter dearly and wouldn’t want it any other way. I will care for her as long as I am physically able, but I am so sad that I have to go through this alone, and one day, she will pass away and I will be alone in my pain and sorrow at her passing. Friends don’t understand, and my only comfort is my faith in God and lots and lots of prayer. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us.
My ex husband left our family 7 years ago for my (single w/2 kids) friend. Divorce was 5 years ago. OUR 2 sons are young men now, but I find it difficult to move ahead with my life. I just found out today that the ex and his wife (my friend) have purchased property in a place where WE as a family would spend summers. This has sent me spiralling downward as this was something the ex an I had planned to do…and spend summers with our grandchildren(eventually). I certainly don’t want someone back in my life who is capable of causing such sorrow in others and not giving a damn, but it feels like part of the family is ‘missing’.
I’m very happy to find this essay tonight, and the comments you have all left. It makes me feel less alone, and it lets me know that it’s OK, I’m not going crazy, haha! Once in a while I cannot help but look back, even though I think I’ve worked through it all. We didn’t have children but were together almost 20 years, and I’ve been separated almost 8 years. The pain visits quite infrequently now (thank god) but once in a while it still hits me, hard.
I am proud of all you women as I am proud of myself, for making it through. It truly helps to know I’m not alone in this. Thank you again for sharing your stories.
This article resonates every sentiment I feel. I am divorced now 6 years but find every day a struggle. After 28 years, my husband wanted a life with a very younger woman and has subsequently erased his family. His children have never been told his address and were informed of his second marriage after the event. Needless to say, they do not see him and rarely communicate with him. I find it hard to understand and accept that a loving man (believe me he loved all women) could sever his life so fully, walk away and turn into a man I never knew. Are men and women so different?
The process of divorce brings forth a torrent of pain, anger and cruelty, the detritus of which still hangs over me like a cloud. The unearthing of secrets when, like a woman possessed, I became Miss Marple, Agatha Christie would have approved. But, in doing so I destroyed all respect for my Ex.
Our daughter is getting married this year, to a lovely chap but my cynicism remembers the lovely young chap I put my faith and future in! I will give my daughter away to her man at the alter with trepidation and, as has been said, I will smile whilst enduring the pain of a family event without the man with whom I created her.
As for looking to a new love, I have no desire. I will never trust again or be intimate with another man. I do not want to feel this pain ever again.
I wish all who have experienced this, the best of strength and happiness.
Mine left me after 40 years, for a woman 25 years younger. He blamed me and said he had been unhappy for years. I worked hard, did everything for him, but it wasn’t enough.They married 18 months after our divorce ( 9 months ago, and went on honeymoon to one of “our” favourite places) They have a fantastic lifestyle, whereas I have had to go back to work. I have tried counselling, forgiveness, keeping very busy, yoga and meditation – anything and everything recommended, but I can’t let go and have a constant deep sadness.
I wish him a happy life – after all, if you truly love someone, you want them to be happy, even if it is not with you.
In my 60s, I have nothing to look forward to, just existing each day.
I feel so sad for anyone in this position, and hope they get some relief in their situation.
Know how you feel, Sheila, & there is no easy way through the pain. Don’t accept any blame…..it was just an excuse & helped your ex rationalize his behavior. I’ve been alone for over 12 years, the pain has definitely lessened, but there are times it still hurts & always will. Take care of yourself, try to make new friends, & live one day at a time. Don’t allow bitterness to rule – I know it isn’t easy, but we have no choice but to accept what has happened & deal with it. Your ex will find his “happy” life isn’t all he thought it would be….mine surely didn’t, but he’s stuck with it now. Hang in there, perhaps get a pet….mine have given me pleasure & a reason to keep going. God bless you! Joanne
Thank you Joanne. Yes, we have no choice but to keep on keeping on.
Wishing you all the best
Sheila
Shelia sorry to hear about your story. I know what you’re going through.
I can relate a lot with you. I was caring, nice, compassionate person, but people ignore me anyway. You may have stayed in an unsatisfactory relationship for a long time because you were afraid of dealing with the changes that splitting up forces upon you.
Thank God I found this. As I feel like I should be over it 6 years on but I’m not. I feel so sad that we will never be a family and it must be awful for the kids but what can you do. We must live with the choices we made and carry on, I don’t feel bitter just very sad x
Yes, that is exactly what we & countless others must do. There’s no going back, only accepting what lies behind & making the best of what is left. Best wishes to all of us! joanne
This is the best article I have read on this topic. After 25 years of marriage, including couples therapy near the end, my husband left, already in a relationship with another woman. He was a longtime alcoholic, but quit (cold turkey) four or five years before he left. I have not been able to get over my pre-divorce delusion that our marriage was solid, and that he loved me deeply. And I have not been able to shake my own love for him, even though he hurt me so deeply. Now I do not trust myself for having been so wrong.
Anyway, I saved the article to read and reread, and I hope I will get to the point where I do not miss the man any longer. This mistrust of oneself identified by Ms. Wolf is the most nagging problem I am facing. I just don’t know how I could have been so blind.
Thank you, Ms. Wolf, for expressing what I have been feeling. Almost 6 years later and it still hurts. Intellectually I see all the reasons to be apart from him but buried deep in my heart I still have a longing for what was supposed to be. With both of us attending 2 of our children’s graduations, the sadness creeped up on me and has been lingering. At these events, we were supposed to be celebrating together as a couple, as a family, as one. The sadness and hurt came subtly and hovered over me. I never imagined the heart would be in such conflict with the mind. Thanks to your article, I know this is a normal response of the heart.
This article really resonates with me. I have been doing a lot of soul searching trying to figure out the consistent sadness I feel after 7 years. I do not want to be with my ex as he did some very bad things, but I mourn for the loss of our whole family as a unit and broken promises. I feel bad for my children always going in 2 directions and not having the support
from their father when they need us both. The grief of your family broken or split is for sure the hardest thing to get over
and special occasions are the hardest. I am an optimist and hope and pray that eventually for the sake of our children
we will find a common ground to make it as normal as possible..
Good article! I am glad I read this. As the years go by following my divorce, I often think that something is wrong with me because I still feel sad. I had an amazing marriage, and I loved being a husband. I think my circumstances are different than the norm because my ex-wife didn’t leave because something was wrong with us. She left because she no longer wanted marriage and to go down the path we were heading e.g. house, kids, “American Dream”. We were married for 15 years.
Ultimately, I support her decision. But I wish we never got divorced. And my bitterness prevents me from speaking to her, despite her efforts to remain friends. It sort of put me in a bad spot, because I have no family of my own, so her family was my family. Which means that by cutting her out, I cut them out, which leaves me alone. But my heart tells me that interacting with her as a friend is more hurtful. Friendship is not what I want at all.
I am not sure of what to do. My career has suffered. My goals and dreams have suffered. Most days I only want to lay around and play videogames. I have tried to date, but it never works out. We just aren’t on the same level. I am fairly young (late-30s), and I still feel that I want children. I have been thinking about just adopting and doing the single father thing. But growing up an orphan and homeless, I have always wanted to create a nuclear family. My reservations with acting on adopting is that I would be exposing a child to a broken home. I believe that all children need mothers and fathers in their lives.
All in all, I am at a standstill. I wish for better days. And I miss hugs and kisses.
You’re still living in the past, ruminating on what should have been instead of focusing on what is and what will be. There is nothing wrong with you other than you’ve not accepted where you are now and let go of the hopes and plans you had when married. You aren’t able to find joy in your life as it is. You need to get out of your head and into your life. You don’t need to be friends with her but, you need to develop new friends and start enjoying your life. Once you find that life without her can be as fulfilling and joyful as life with her, you’ll get unstuck and be able to let her go. New hopes, dreams, and opportunities aren’t going to come to you if you aren’t emotionally free and receptive. For example, you’re allowing your thoughts of adoption to be muddied by thoughts of the way it “should” be. You aren’t able to create what society defines as a “nuclear” family but, if you’re receptive, you are able to create a family any child, especially an orphan would love to be part of. You would not be providing a broken home to a child, you’d be providing love and stability and a father. Why isn’t that enough? It is more than enough!
As others, I am so glad I found this article, and reading the comments I now realise I am not being stupid. It’s now 10 years since my husband walked out after 29 years of marriage, and having had an affair with his now partner for eight months before he did so. He sat in our porch the week before he left, sobbing. After he left (she demanded he move in almost straight away) he needed counselling and at one point was close to a breakdown. It took him 6 years to make up his mind to go through with a divorce. Obviously the ‘grass is greener’ wasn’t that green…. I can go for weeks being fine, but then something will trigger all the pain, the guilt and the bewilderment. At the moment it’s him using ‘we/our’ in his e-mails because I am having his sister to stay. I have stayed very close to his family (I only have my mother as immediate family) and so now and again I have to have contact with him.
Almost the minute he left I was being told to move on, make a life for myself etc. I found those comments an insult to the (what I thought) was a good marriage – of course we had our ups and downs – and a loving partnership. Other people here have shown me that there is nothing wrong with the way I feel, and I cannot thank you all enough for that. I cannot see me ever loving another man and would I find another at 62? I am coming to terms with that but it’s hard. I wish everyone here the peace and happiness you deserve, and if the pain is still there, so be it – ignore the platitudes (time is a healer. Yeah.).
Perfectly said. My experience is the same as a husband. 25 years gone after her affair. “The dust never settles…” is an apt idiom for those of us who carry an unexplainable sadness deep down even though they have “moved on.” The community of comments was especially helpful in affirming that I am not “unusual” and that this is the reality of the human experience. I’m also thankful that there were no “answers” in your message. We don’t need another answer, do we? We just needed to voice our shared experience. Thank you for putting your experience to paper which identifies the common pain we share…and doing it so perfectly.
This is a very good article. As others have said, it gives voice to some of what I feel.
I am finding it impossible to truly heal from the breakdown of my marriage and family. I feel completely abandoned and alone. It’s been nearly 3 years (which I suppose is not that long really, but it feels like a long time to be so sad) and I cry every day, in private, so hard sometimes that I’m not sure I will be able to stop. I am so sickened by the whole thing, and so, so sad. I feel like my life was a road that led to a sudden precipice that I could not see… that I fell into it – or perhaps I was pushed into it, by the man I loved more than any other – and I am still falling. It just goes down and down. I feel I am now existing in some sort of dreadful limbo. It’s very difficult to see a future for myself. I’m just so broken. I pray daily for all those who have been broken by betrayal and abandonment. God sees our pain, our tears. It matters.
Helen, you need the help of a good therapist or divorce coach. Are you talking to anyone on a regular basis about how you are feeling? There are tactics you can use the get passed the pain, I promise. You are welcome to reach out to me at, [email protected] Bless you!
Wow, I was taken aback by this editors unkindness and lack of compassion. All the “you” statements are certainly not appropriate. I wa interested in this website. No longer. I will search for a gentler and more compassionate website.
I WAS MARRIED 30 YEARS When she left . it has been 5 years she is with no one and I am not eather . I tried dating at first to replace her and I could not I love her to much . I still am working on my self and hope and pray she sees something in me again.
But the pain never goes away . I come from a large family and all the memories of my wife are with them. My father died two weeks before she left . I would say it was my fault she left for sure but she never would stay and go to counseling with me she just walked. now we have three children together and 4 grandchildren together. the pain is there every day . I miss her greatly . after 5 years the pain I think is worse . people say you should be over and done by now . but I met her when I was 20 and she was 17 . if I ever get another chance with her I will treat her as a queen . I wish I could tell people it gets better but it does not when you miss the love of your life. what gets me thru life is God and my kids and grandkids . but is still just a imitation of what are family should and would be.
so I pray every day for her to be back and are family to be one. we see each other all the time with that and every smell and sound and sight reminds me of her and how my family was and could be ..
I will say this never again will I give any women a chance to hurt me . I am not happy but it still gives me joy to see my kids and grandkids and makes me smile. only with God do I hang on. I hate to think I will live and hurt the rest of my life like this, I just love her !!
Sam, have you considered going to therapy to work through your pain? You can still love her without remaining in daily pain. Try to find joy in the fact that you have those feelings for her instead of focusing on the pain of losing her. And, you can still love someone else, in spite of what you feel for her. I highly suggest a good therapist to help you. Good luck!
I’ve been to so many different therapist I can’t count on two hands The first one was a marriage counselor since then it’s been all different kinds psychiatrist psychologist it’s just comes down that I love her and I want to wait on her but the pain going through this is almost unbearable I don’t trust any other woman ever again but it’s extremely lonely I don’t get to see my kids very much at all I have grandchildren I don’t see them a lot some
Part of the reason is my children are grown so I understand that they’re trying to take care of their own family two of them are married the other one is a teenager but every time I see them I just want my family back to normal I just don’t wanna live like this much pain the rest of my life I feel like I’m a man without a country
I have adult children and yes, they have their own lives. I don’t see them as often as I’d like but when I do I enjoy every moment. You’re allowing your pain to keep you from enjoying your children and grandchildren. A question, do you talk about the divorce and their mother when you’re around them. Here is the bottom line, Sam, you’re purposefully holding onto the pain. You’re getting something out of it or you would be healing and moving forward. Why are you holding onto it?
Sam, I find it odd that you don’t trust other women but would trust the woman causing your pain and welcome her back. Maybe it’s her you shouldn’t trust and other women, those who’ve not hurt you, you should give a chance.
Well what I get out of it is I love her and hope and pray to the Lord that I get another opportunity with her since neither one of us are seeing or dating anyone after five years
And the reason why I don’t trust other women is the result I got out of dating women the first two years trying to replace her which I could not I thought about her the entire time .The reason why I trust her is I created this mess and caused her to leave I was not the man I should’ve been .
So I hope and pray that she sees that I’m a different man I’ve worked on myself for five years and finally listen to the Lord and except no for a no from somebody . And I have learned to respect the individual better and how to love not control
I have learned all that but one thing that I have learned looking back I can see how I got like that it’s tough being a man in this world women want both sides of it they wanna man that is strong and can take care of them but at they’re same time they want the freedom to be able to do whatever they want at any time and if you question it you’re controlling I took it as that did not understand that I was being so controlling I believe I was I think although in my heart and mind I thought I was doing the right thing for my children and my wife the things that I tried to get us to do Or the way I had As us live Truly in my heart I thought it was the best for us not just for myself but I can see now that I did not respect her individual feelings I should’ve let her have her space and I’ve learned what it would take to be a good man so the what I hold onto is hopefully she’ll know and understand that I have learned all this and many other things and can love me again and come back
I thought is wasn’t normal to still feel guilty 10 years later. Sadness and happiness can coexist,but it’s not easy,not at all. When you ask your 21 year old how her mom is doing ,she says” not good” and starts sobbing. Her mom has never recovered, neither have my daughter or myself for that matter. I’ve remarried,but the grass is not greener over here.How I wish I could turn back time. Divorce can be worse than dying. So much collateral damage. I’ve got friends I hardly hear from anymore. I’m lucky my daughter still talks to me. My ex gave up her life,family and friends in another country to marry me 30 years ago. How she’s by herself, struggling financially and emotionally . There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t feel terrible.
‘Divorce can be worse than dying’. Absolutely. And yes, so much collateral damage. While on the other side of the coin, your post made me have a lot of sympathy for you. I wonder if my ex ever feels the way you do – it would be a crumb of comfort but not anything remotely triumphant that he may be suffering. I am also 10 years on and, although as you say sadness and happiness can coexist, there is a very quiet, still, invisible ‘presence’ – he has never really gone away from my heart and mind. I do wish you peace, as I wish this for everyone in our situation.
Thanks sasha
You are so right ! Randy
I did not handle the divorce well. I became a shell of a person. It affected my relationship with my children. In the past 5 years I have gained more confident. I have truly tried to find out who I am. I cannot be the women I was before, and I do not know who I am now. I thought I was taking forward steps. I was excited about the changes I could see or at least was trying to reach. Then the shoe dropped. I had spent so many years waiting for the “affair again” shoe to drop but realized, it was not a concern anymore, the cheater was out of my life. I am not a bitter woman. I have my kids back in my life. No, I have not found someone else, but I knew I needed to find myself first.
I received a summons to have my alimony modified. The thought of having to spend the little money I have to defend myself against a frivolous lawsuit is killing me. The accusations are almost laughable. I have done nothing but cried and act emotionally out of control since I received the summons out of nowhere. My head knows the Lawsuit has no value. I have spoken to a lawyer and have all the supporting information. My heart is breaking. Why rock my boat. You choose to leave now leave me alone. I had so many changes to adjust to. I lost multiply job. I never reached out to him for assistance. I struggle through. I cannot seem to get a hold of myself. I feel very lost again. I just do not what I am frightened of.
Best artical I have read on divorce. The descriptors are poignant and cathartic to say the least. I love how it allows us to feel and to be ok with the idea that we are sad despite our happiness. Cheers to a better tomorrow!
Thank you for this. I truly struggle for what was and more for the family and and life I once knew. I do not miss him or want him back, I miss the shared life that we once had and the family and shared traditions that still happen and carry on with the person he left me for. I hurt for my children and having to share new memories with her and that part makes me sad. I know that I am getting better, I don’t think about him near as much but then one thing can make me spiral right back to years before and the process starts again.
The article is dead on. Shared custody, full custody, whatever custody a parent is granted; there’s a “brokeness” that will never be repaired. No tool and not even with time repairs. Being the spouse left behind hurts tremendously. Add in a young child, and the other spouse refusing to work on things, rather, cut bait and get out immediately with no reason. If left for another person, the pain is unbearable at times. Especially finding out about the other persons affair 2 years later and how it was happening for much longer. For me, the pain will never go away. It becomes manageable, but that’s about it. My son sees a sadness every so often in me. But that’s good, he’s learning from his father, it’s ok to feel certain emotions, no matter how much time has passed. Deep down, if she tried to come back, I’d take her back. I wasn’t perfect, but many people still scratch head wondering why all of this. I gave someone my entire heart, promises, vows, ups, downs, physical intimate moments, and emotional intimate moments I never thought I could give and share with someone. We all grieve differently. Couple years later, I still float back into hope and denial stages. It’s like I never existed, shared so many things together. Coparenting is tough. Not seen your child daily, especially when child is still very young, is excruciating. I don’t believe staying together for child sake. But, it better be given deep and long thoughts the effects and consequences. It hurts badly, no matter how long.
I have really enjoyed reading everyone’s story and I realise now that I am very ‘normal’ 10 years on. I was married for nearly 40 years and I have known him for 50 years. He was my one and only love and there will not be another, whilst he has remarried a girl in SE Asia who is only 25 years old. He appears to be very happy whilst me, not so much. I devoted my whole life to him and our 2 adult kids who blame me for everything and no longer speak with me but have welcome the ‘child bride’ with open arms. That alone really destroys me when I think about it but I have to be strong for my little granddaughter who I have not met yet but one day I hope to. Life is very cruel to people who do the right thing and the people who lie, cheat, steal and betray just seem to get on with life as if nothing has happened. I am in a much better place than I was 10 year ago but lately I have been profoundly sad but I now understand that the grief never really leaves us, it sits on our shoulder as a reminder of what could have been. Life goes on and we have to make the very best of what we have, hard and all that it is. I wish everyone going through this agony only the very best. xo
Im so sorry to hear of your sadness. I somewhat relate to you (except that my 2 adult kids do see reality and stand by my side, and at the same time love their dad, which is better for their own well being). Believe me, God sees everything and He is a God of Justice, but His word says that we must forgive, not that they deserve it, but if and when we do, we start experiencing peace within us and start the process of healing. He also says, “Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord.” Romans 12:19. I’m not saying that you want vengeance or wish him wrong, but resentment is not a good feeling either, it hurts you more than it does him. All you have to do is Be Still and trust in God, He will take care of the rest.
I was married 30 years and it has been 3 since we separated and 2 since we divorced. And believe me, it’s been so hard and heartbreaking. And its been tuff, specially when He was the unfaithful, controlling, abusive one. I have not dated anybody because I’m still in the process of healing and I know it would not be wise doing so until I am ready to turn the page over completely. Clinging to the word of God is what is helping me go through all the pain and hurt. As time goes on, there are less and less bad days, and more good ones . On the midst of the storm, He has given me peace. Hang on there, you are so precious to God, and there is not one moment whatsoever that He has not been by your side, He will carry you thru this. Don’t let years and years pass by and cling to the pain, hurt, and resentment. 10 years is more than enough my dear. I encourage you, if you are not already doing so, to have those moments alone with Jesus, talk to Him, He is not only our healer but also Your friend that Loves you so dearly
I will be praying for you Lerlie, and for each and everyone that have shared their pain and hurt as well on the comments
He and “the new wife” (yes I still call her that) have been married the same amount of time we were. I’m happily remarried, yet I’m still sad 17 years later. You see, every dream died with divorce, I was a stay at home mom and we entertained so often. He stopped speaking to me full stop. College, med school, residency and air force payback and then he left us, filed while he was in another country. I didn’t even know he was unhappy, he wrote me a love song a few weeks before he left; confusion. And my son died 7 1/2 years ago at 19, more dead dreams. Every holiday my daughters have to divide the holidays, not just between us and in-laws, but us and the other “us” and the in-laws. I see my family, our friends, most couples I know retiring together, doing life together, enjoying grandchildren together, but everything we do, well it’s not the same. My life is so wonderful, so why the sadness; I’m mostly content, why the emptiness? Dead dreams live inside me. I’m mostly happy, but the corners stay sad.
Thank you for letting us with the dead dreams know we’re not alone on the days it’s sharp.
I come back to these comments, to give me comfort in knowing that others still mourn the loss of what was and what could have been. As Cheryl Lawrence says above, I live with dead dreams. I’ve tried everything to ‘move on’, apart from actively seeking another partner. I am not ready for such a step, nor do I believe I ever will be. He is now married to the woman he left me for, after 30 years together. The day before what would have been our 40th wedding anniversary he sent me an apology for the way he treated me, and brought up the anniversary – I cannot think why as he was married to her, so why mention it. He didn’t ask for forgiveness, nor can I find it in my heart to forgive him – the hurt and emptiness is too deep. I live my life, then something triggers the pain all over again, even a simple thing like a beautiful sunset: ‘why isn’t he here to share this?’ It’s like a phantom limb. All we can do, those who still grieve, is to carry on, realise that we are not weird or silly for not ‘getting over it’, and that there are wonderful moments and times that we can enjoy. Peace to you all.
The story is almost the same, two wonderful boys and was married for 17 years. Even got the dog…she is small not big! I’m 10 years on 51 and there’s a very deep profound sadness…hurt. No anger but deep deep hurt.
I’m so glad to.have found this post and these comments. I’ve been divorced for 1 year and 3 months – after a very messy separation and 17 year relationship. And then the pandemic hit. It’s been a struggle and I have a lot of guilt/remorse/regret – I’m the one who initiated the divorce.
I’m deeply sad about the while situation – and got the whole “just get over it” speech from my therapist this afternoon. Think I’m going to leave her too.
It hasn’t been that long. The relationship- no kids thank God – was very sticky I was 21 when we met, he was 36.
I’ve been struggling with anxiety. And sadness. So.i take some comfort from the fact that others feel this way as well. I want to heal, move in, live with joy and pursue my dreams!
My adult son came to live with me 20 years after his mother and I divorced. I’ve heard his stories regarding his mother and her husband. I didn’t think it would affect me but, it has. I still love the woman I thought I married and I am angry at the emotional manipulation and pain she metered out to me which ended with the beginning of her second marriage. Now, as I hear my son tell me how her second marriage is deteriorating memories that I buried through hard work refresh themselves as if they are new. I worked on becoming a better person for 20 years. It’s a good thing too, for if I hadn’t I know what I feel now would be far worse.
This is a very profound article, it exactly mirrors how I feel about being ‘divorced’ even 35 years down the line. I thought I was the only person who had these feelings as other people seem to move on so quickly. I thought I was going to be married for ever to the man I said my vows to through thick and thin, I never imagined it not lasting. The ‘judgement’ by others(including family) has been searing. as if they knew everything about my marriage and had the right to judge from their high moral (usually married) position. The ‘family’ I thought I had was broken by the man I gave my life to in marriage, nothing is ever the same again. I am deeply saddened reading the pain others feel and the hurt by being on the receiving end of divorce. Articles like this are good- to open the dialogue that sometimes the pain of divorce doesn’t ‘go away’ or that time heals but we learn somehow to ‘live with it and live a happy life where we can’. Dreams are broken but lives have to go on.
It was so good to read something I have been feeling for over 15 years. I’m normal, It’s normal to feel happy and sad, gain and loss after so many years. Thank you for putting in words what so many people feel♥️
Ester’s comment summed it up beautifully. It’s not easy to find realistic articles on the very-long-term type of pain resulting from a divorce, so this one was a breath of fresh air. My divorce happened suddenly and unexpectedly (to me) 12 years ago after 26 years of marriage. Through much pain and even more growth, I’ve built a wonderful new life for myself, but I still grieve sometimes for what was lost. And it’s hard to have to share my daughter and grandchildren with my ex’s affair-partner-now-wife. But I try to be grateful for all they do for her – they live in the same city as my daughter while I am out of state. And I can see now that my ex and I had probably wrung everything we could out of our marriage, so I try to be grateful for the opportunity to become my own person in a way I don’t think I ever would have had he not ended things. Still, it hurts and is sad sometimes, even 12 years on, but now I know that’s okay and I’m not alone!
Excellent article. I’ve been divorced many, many years, but it still hurts sometimes. I still wonder why he left, although the reality was that he lived a double life with me! Thanks agai, appreciate what you’ve written.
While I am not a mom, I am a dad. Six years later I still grieve how my family was split up. The marriage deteriorated. I would have gone to any length to keep my family together. But I could not stop it. Nothing was ever going to be enough. I googled this lingering pain. And your words resonate. I have a great relationship now and am engaged. My kids are well. But the pain lingers under the surface always. I wanted to keep my family together but could not. The hurt will never quite go away. I will never finally get over it I suppose. It is just there. There is so much I can be happy about now. But it still hurts and may always. Thanks for recognizing that. I accept it. I think it just fine to feel it even years later despite moving on in many respects.
Today would have been our 48th wedding anniversary. I’m still feeling the wound 36 years after the divorce. Many subsequent marriage proposals when younger but no remarriage. A moth named “Once-married Underwing” (Catocala unijuga) curiously rests beneath the eaves today. Does it mock me? My ex moved on, remarried a month after the divorce. My heart remains unresolved. It’s a terrible gnawing that can be pushed to the far back but doesn’t seem to go away. Does he ever think of me? Will this date ever come without me noticing? Apparently I get a F grade in “moving on.”
Kay – I join you in getting a F grade in moving on. I take strange comfort in the fact that you still hurt 36 years after your divorce: I realise it sounds odd but the comfort is in knowing that I’m not the only one who cannot ‘move on’ as I was told to over and over again. It is 14 years since he walked out on 30 years of being together, 29 of those married, and he is now married to the woman he had the affair with. But the ’empty presence’ has never gone for me – I was 51 when he left and I have no trust to even think of a new partner. I send you a virtual warm and embracing hug.
I saw my ex at a social function. 15 years after divorce she is bubbling over with joy, energy and health. She is very busy socially and at work. The fact that she decided to blow me off and easily moved on to a wonderful life (without me) hurts a great deal. When we married I thought the deal was made for life. Later she said ‘no, I guess not’ and went on to a great life without nice. It looks pretty hurtful from where I stand.