The Genius has been away for 4 days and I think it’s already starting to screw with his psyche. I’m trying to be compassionate, but it’s exhausting. Emotionally and physically. Part of me wants to say, How much of your crap do I have to continue to put up with? Another part of me wants to say, I get it. You’re away from your children. My family is here with them. And given The Family Genius, perhaps you’re conditioned to expect that my family is talking trash about you behind your back and they have the boys in a dark room under a Klieg light being brainwashed by
CIA operatives my Mom.
In reality, the boys played in the trees, my Mom did her crossword puzzle, my brother watched the Yankees and I went on a hike. Thank goodness for that or I wouldn’t be able to stay centered right now. Because this is the text I received while I was eating dinner with my family:
“I trust that you and your family will continue to do the right things by my children and not say or do anything that would mar my name or confuse them. Your judgements and feelings about me are just that. Yours and not my children’s.”
“My family doesn’t talk behind people’s backs. And, while I have tolerated this for awhile, I am going to let you know that they are not your children, they are our children. You are scolding me as if I have done something wrong and I haven’t. I imagine it’s unsettling being back on the road in light of our divorce. But I have not in the past done anything to harm our children and I don’t plan on starting now.”
I feel like a human freaking ping pong ball.
I’m trying to be compassionate and see things from his perspective. I understand how it feels to think the boys are being impacted by someone who may not have your best interests at heart. Hello, you did intro the boys to the Happy Dance Chick. I don’t think she’s a member of my fan club. Didn’t feel good to know they were with her. Not just because it could be confusing to them, but because I didn’t want her near them. I don’t want her to impact them in any way. She was a participator, if not the ring leader, in an affair that was a complete betrayal of this family. Not stoked to have her breathing the same air as the boys. There. I said it.
I’m only human after all. (Another great Parlotones song…)
I’m tired of being accused of doing things I’m not doing. I’m tired of being at the whim of his emotional upheaval. I’m trying to do the best job I can at being human. Being here. Being alive. Being a Mom. Being a woman. Being a friend.
I look at what I am trying to accomplish and I wonder if I am doing it solely for me or am I still looking for someone’s approval? Still trying to find happiness outside of myself? If I am focused on being a great Mom, a present and loving woman, respecting the gift of my life by being fully engaged in it, then why would I even care that he questions how I am nurturing our children? If I am excelling at nurturing them and myself, is that not enough?
Why am I sitting here crying?
Because I don’t want to be a doormat. I’m not looking for pity, but I’ve been through a hell of a lot these past 8 months. I’m starting to get whiplash. And that makes me want to wrap myself up in blankets and try to feel safe. I’m trying to be a straight-shooter. I’m focused on open and direct communication. I’m not trying to manipulate his children behind his back. What the hell would I have to gain by doing that?
I want to spend time letting The Genius know about the boys’ day. The fact that one decided it would be fascinating to crack open an Oleander leaf (a completely toxic plant that grows everywhere here) and taste the clear liquid that sprang forth. I wanted to tell him about my first call with Poison Control.
“So, what’s the oddest poison you’ve had to deal with?”
“Um, miss, I have to man the phones. We’ve had many odd calls.”
“K. Well, thanks for telling me he is going to fine.” (Clearly not on the Encounter kick…)
I want to move beyond this tug of war and just raise our children. I didn’t ask for this crap and am just doing the best I can to make everyone happy. I will continue to try to be compassionate, but at what point do I get a little of that compassion?
Or do I only rely upon myself for that? Is that the safest way to be right here, right now?
I’m back in class. The teacher says, “You are letting your emotions run away with you. You have not yet committed to your boundaries. You are confident. Sweet. That will shatter with one punch to your gut. From anyone. Now get down to the hard work and get this stuff taken care of before he or someone else takes a weed-wacker to your entire journey.”
I remind myself that this is not about The Genius. It’s about me. My journey. I have to figure this out for me so that I can move forward without fear. Fear of being hurt. Of being discarded again. Fear of failure.
I feel like I am just starting to get this.
The real bummer is I thought I was much further along than I am. I bet you all knew better.