I have demons. I have desires. I am divorcing The Genius. My life is in a state of upheaval. I am feeling overwhelmed. While I am not scared of change, I am scared of all the effort that will be required to manage it, to survive it, and to not let it engulf me. I have no rhythm. I allow myself to be bounced around from task to task, thought to thought, without the discipline of self-regulation. I fear that I am not disciplined enough to do that which I have never done before in a climate of total uncertainty. It’s difficult enough to fulfill your dreams when your life is all settled. It intimidates me to know that I must do it, I must achieve my dream, in the midst of chaos.
This chaos exists so that you can achieve your dream.
So I have a choice. I can keep at it as I’ve done all my life, pushing against a deadline, dropping balls, feeling overwhelmed, making progress, but in a painful enough way that I can’t celebrate the progress I’ve made, swimming in a sea of self-doubt, and eventually hitting the goal. But the path to get there was through the brambles and spider webs and not along ridge with fresh air and views to inspire. Each step a labor as if taken at 20,000 feet, weighed down by invasive vines, tripped up by breaching roots, the view impossible to see with eyes burning from salty sweat.
Or I can clear away the underbrush, rake smooth the land, and build a solid foundation for the achievement of goals, a base camp so organized and constructed to support my needs that I am freed from my own demons and distractions, able to make progress each day and celebrate it.
I am without a foundation.
So I’m going to build one. One that suits me. No sharp corners that I can get lodged in, no doors that I can hide behind, and room for only one. This is where I must come to begin each day, alone. Quietly. I’ll sit within its four walls and design my day, the ceiling the sky at first, but eventually each distinct period in my life becoming a room that pops up from this one space. Each day I venture forth from this base camp, I know the trail ahead and what I need to do to traverse it. My mind is occupied with the focus required for the task, leaving my heart free to observe and witness, ponder and create.
But before I can do that I have to vanquish some demons. I’ve talked before about the need to be more organized, focused, and planned. Some progress has been made, but not nearly enough. Not as much as I am capable of making. In pondering the root of the of the problem, it’s easy to zero in on the need to get rid of clutter, plan our meals in advance, put away the laundry as soon as it’s folded, complete each task before setting off on another. But something prevents me from doing that. And that is the crux, the nucleus of the larger issue; I feel like I’m running in air.
I am not grounded.
I have allowed myself to be distracted by the divorce and co-parenting issues, the meetings, the day-to-day white noise, and an endless to-do list that exists only in my mind, making clear thoughts as rare as a white buffalo.
My mind is really ticking me off these days.
It’s been jamming away, exhausting me. Always wanting to lead me away from what I need to do and tempt me with something I shouldn’t be doing. And I let it. It seems hellbent on creating an environment where I am not able to be proud. Yet, really all it’s doing is providing me with opportunities to make choices. Of course, making its desired choice look a whole lot more inviting.
I need to make better choices.
Each decision I make affects me. There should be no alternative to making a choice that is in the best interests of my children and me. My choices are conscious declarations of what is important to me. So if I choose to do something that does not directly support my goals, I am undermining myself, my self-worth, my pride and my future. Which leads to me not feeling free enough to achieve. Free enough to be creative.
Instead I run in air. Never reaching my true potential.
I’m not putting up with that anymore.
My tendency is to now state: I’m going to do ten things tomorrow to make my dreams come true, start a list, get distracted by a moth – oh, I have to Frontline the animals, I really want some water, did I close the windows in the living room? Let me open some mail. Hmmm…let me just sit here and think for a bit. I could use an apple.
Oh! It’s insanity!
So I choose to not do that. I choose to make better choices in the moment. That’s the cornerstone in my foundation. I am simply going to focus on pausing before making a choice and selecting the option that best supports my long term goals. I don’t believe I can boil it down any further. Make a choice, stick with it. Feel great. Make the next choice. Feel even better.
In this moment I have to go to sleep. I have not been rested in days. I am burning the candle, its stand and helplessly watching the table prepare to go up in flames. My choices are at the primal level at this early stage in the construction of base camp. I need more sleep. And I need to go to sleep at a proper hour, like 10:00PM. No more 1 or 2 AM for me. I can’t sustain it.
Tomorrow I will rise at 7:00 AM. I will start my day with 15 minutes of quiet meditation on intentions. Slow down. Ground. Focus on making the right choices. Tomorrow night I will write a post on my choices, which are going to result in some big changes.
There’s no good reason to not give this my all.