First, apologies for the site being down. On an epic day on so many fronts, the traffic to HGM skyrocketed. And the server was digesting a Thanksgiving meal. We’re working on keeping it running and will have it secured shortly. Thank you for your patience, your interest and your priceless support.
And now to today…because we are finally both on the same day at the same time. By the end of this post we will be for real ‘real’ time. So on with it…
UPDATE: (March 10th, 10:07 PM PST) As you can see by the extreme use of question marks, we have not yet gotten all the bugs out after moving to a new server. I am so not a techie. I’m who techies make fun of. I apologize for the site being down and for the hassle of reading through the question marks. I will painstakingly remove them tomorrow but felt it most appropriate to spend my time honoring all those who have taken the time to comment. And now I must have wine to celebrate Daylight Savings time! L.Y., C
I created my present day reality. Not the affair ? the divorce. I attracted someone who was going to do this to me. Plain and simple. And I was going to enable it. We individually created distinct paths joined by the betrayal of The Genius’ affair. We?re both supposed to learn from it. I?m determined to. I need to take an inventory of who I am, what I love, my morals and boundaries, and my relationships. I?m drifting back to the place where I can start to look at those parts of me again. Had to check out for awhile.
I had my first birthday post-split. It was melancholy. No doubt. Which I did not expect. I now see it as a sign of things to come. I was opening up. And stuff was gonna come out. Mr. Jackpot made sure I saw the Marin coast, Mt. Tamalpais, San Francisco, Oakland, Angel Island, the sunset over the Marin Headlands and had the required birthday meal of red wine, steak, and red wine. Nevertheless, I felt like I was separating from my body. The negative thoughts took over again. About him, The Happy Dance Car Rental Chick, and the fact she spent time with my children. It was a lot to digest.
And there?s The Genius, pissed that I?m not nicer to him. I kid you not. He wants me to be nice. Not rude. Not so condescending. (I wonder, is it being condescending when someone lives in the moral gutter, or does it just appear to him that I am being condescending because of his actual location?) He wants me to be his friend.
I’d rather eat live black spiders. The kind with really long skinny but menacing legs that would grip at the corners of my mouth as I chowed down, fighting to free their puffy, fuzzy bodies from certain death.
But enough of that…now it’s tonight, and
Tonight is the full moon. March 8th. This time I took note that I created this reality, too, as I drove down the 101 to a Couples Counseling Works! (for some) session with The Genius. Living in one of the most beautiful places in the world, with two great boys, in a home I love, with an ever-growing group of friends that I really connect with, and being able to drive a short distance to the coast to watch the sun set and the moon rise after an hour of UGGHH is much to be grateful for.
And I got myself here, to this place, in a state of openness so that I could be grateful when no one would blame me for being anything but.
My “You can’t hurt me.” exterior shattered upon arrival at Dr. K.’s. The massive head cold didn’t help. I sounded like I’d been crying for days. I hadn’t. But I needed to now. So that I could let these emotions have their day in the sun. They deserved it. And so did I.
Today The Genius saw the affects of his affair. He didn’t want to look and tried the old “we were having problems in our marriage, we would have ended up here anyway” line and I stopped him cold.
“We are in this exact position because 4 years ago you decided to have an affair.” He tried to interrupt. So did Dr. K. I gave the hand to both. This was coming out once and for all. I had had it. (I love repeating had…it’s so freeing.)
“You decided to put me in very precarious emotional, physical and financial positions by leading a reckless double life. You may be desensitized to adultery, but it is the worst betrayal a spouse can experience. And in this case it’s amplified by the length of the affair. Having communication problems in a marriage and betraying your spouse by having an affair are in TWO COMPLETELY DIFFERENT UNIVERSES. Stop trying to swap one for the other. Your affair has caused this pain, this anger.”
Then I folded in half and balled my eyes out. I had already blown my nose enough to have it shut down completely. If I refused to breath through my mouth I would have died. Zero air was getting in either nostril. And now I’m sobbing.
Then I heard another sound. He was sobbing too. You may read this as sarcasm, but I was pretty taken aback and mean it sincerely (but for fun read it as sarcasm, too): A few actual tears welled up in his eyes and one may have tumbled down his cheek. That has never happened before. I don’t mean not during these last few months. I mean ever. He would “cry” but there were never any tears. Certainly nothing large enough to be ejected from the eye socket.
Then he apologized. And this time he apologized for lying and for having an affair. Prior he had only apologized for hurting me. You get the difference. I know you do.
I walked out of Dr. K.’s with two fist-fulls of tissues and left behind a lot of baggage.
Stinson Beach was my destination, a sleepy little town nestled in West Marin. I drove there with tears streaming down my face after laying myself bare for 50 minutes. I guess sobbing is a good sign, because Dr. K. was dolling out the compliments like I had just won the Spelling Bee, my March Madness bracket and Lotto at the same time. I watched the sun set and the moon rise, walking in the cold sand, letting my emotions lay on my chest. I felt parched and wrecked. Wrung out and spent.
But somewhere around a mile down the beach a wave of gratitude came over me.
I am grateful to have been willing to let The Genius see how much he hurt me. I am grateful to have been able to know what I needed to say to him. I walked along for another mile just feeling the sand and feeling my emotions. When I returned to my car I felt lighter. I didn’t have a gaping hole in my center from our session. I had survived being vulnerable.
And I didn’t have a single negative thought about The Genius the entire time. Doesn’t mean somebody should take up my cause, but I no longer need to replay conversations I wish I had with him over and over till I go all bat-crazy. I told him what I needed to say.
The reel of negative thoughts stopped playing.
That Couples Counseling stuff really works. Just not in the way I originally anticipated.