I pictured the morning of the divorce meeting, the first time in months The Genius and I would participate in a substantive conversation. I imagined feeling the antithesis of butterflies – big, black, shiny snakes rolling around in my belly, packed tight but determined to move.
Writing the night before was really helpful. It helped to imbed the wisdom showered upon me the week leading up the meeting in my core. As I barely moved on the 101, surely to arrive late, I was pretty relaxed. Paying attention to the stuff that really matters paid off. It reduced the meeting to what it was; two hours of progress on ending a marriage that needs to end. Sure, there’s going to be pushing and shoving, but so what. It is going to end. Eventually.
So there we sat, our attorneys, The Genius and me. In a conference room in Marin. Where I was the only person who had a dead on view of the east peak of Mt. Tam based on the seat left to me when I arrived. The only thing missing was a plane trailing a banner that said, Meow.
It was fairly dull and predictable from the start, and I’m not certain much was accomplished as far as the settlement is concerned. But I did get some sage career advice, which helped to perk things up a bit. It was suggested that my book (described as a self-help book, because he knows, I guess) had no guarantee of being published and that instead, I should contribute to the bottom line by working at Starbucks or Whole Foods.
Truth be told, I’ve fantasized about working at Whole Foods. I’d love to learn all about the produce and how to pick the perfect fruits and vegetables or tend to the cheeses. That would be ideal. When I have the luxury of time and capital, I just might go work for a cheese maker. A perfect fit for my need to satiate all my senses.
But right now I’m busy fulfilling a dream. One that he believes should be swept aside in favor of minimum wage to fund child care. I’m going to chalk it up to anger. And keep my mouth shut, following the guidance of the bobcat: there is true power and strength through silence. I looked at Mt. Tam and felt completely safe. I no longer felt affected by his words, and I wasn’t chattering in my own head about what he was saying to me. It was my lawyer’s job to protect my interests, and it was my job to remain calm, cool and collected, but most importantly, to genuinely feel confident because my goal is simple: to do what is in the best interests of the children. Period. If it’s not in the best interests of the children it’s not happening.
Mt. Tam’s presence in the meeting again brought about these feelings of enhanced intuition. Not future-telling, but being able to read people on a level I’ve not experienced before. That’s been a short-coming of mine. Not only are encounters more fun as a result, but they are enlightening. So even the crappy ones become fascinating exercises in human interaction and soul surfing. The harvest from these encounters is plentiful.
I left the divorce meeting in great spirits. Not because I had claimed some victory in the settlement – there’s no victory to be had. But because I believed in myself. Believe in myself. I’ll write a kick ass book, take exceptional care of the boys, and have a lot of fun in the process. I have the most amazing people supporting me and cheering me on, I am determined to succeed, and for the first time in a long time I feel loved by everyone around me. No more is there a person so close, so in the inner circle who is deceiving me and surely not loving me.
I can’t recall a two week-ish period of time so ripe with guidance from all directions. Or ever feeling that my life was so laden with opportunity. Never before have I felt so equipped with the right tools to live in the moment and to succeed. Perhaps this was all available to me before, and I just didn’t have the ability to recognize it. Or, perhaps this is all coming together now because I’m ready for it. Or maybe it’s just because I’m now paying attention. I’m feeding the field that grows the signs that lead to the opportunities that create joy, abundance and fascinating encounters, my most favorite of all.
The boys and I launched into our weekend with gusto. In one 48 hour period I did something I’ve never been able to do before, something I never had the chance to do before, something I really want to do again, and created a lasting memory with 10 French Canadian hockey players at the Sand Dollar.
I’d love to tell you all about it.
But for now, I must say good night. I start my book tomorrow. I’ll be rising earlier than ever. I’m so excited for US! Thank you, kittens. Your support last week was rock solid. I’m so grateful and truly hope that we’re showing ways to move through the muck of betrayal and divorce with grace and humor, but also to seize it as an opportunity to soar.
I must go rest my wings.